20 Weeks: Half Way! And Some Other Happenings

The funniest thing just happened. I'm laying reclined and so I have part of the computer on my belly. The little girl who is the size of a "small" cantelope (accoring to baby center), or as long as a banana (according to what to expect) in my belly doesn't like to be pushed on. She kicked or punched or head butted or boxed out (if you speak basketball lingo) kind of hard right where the computer was. So, I picked it up thinking it was just a normal hit. Then put it back down - hit again! So, I picked it up and was laughing, Jaren started to get defensive. "she doesn't want the computer on her!" I told him I barely had any pressure and set it back down - wam! So I'm laughing even more and Jaren is trying to tell me to sit up and put it on my lap, to stop "squishing his little girl". I didn't want to do that b/c it pulls on my neck looking down at the screen and I already have a head and neck ache. So, I just pushed it down off my belly and had the belly hanging out b/c I'm hot. And I felt another hard kick and looked down and my belly jumped! Jaren said he saw it and she kept movin for a few minutes. It sure made us happy. She's a lot of fun already :) But Jaren says she is stubborn (which he seems to think she got from me - I have no idea what he's talking about :D

That is what I was going to mention was the first neat thing about this 20th week. This morning I felt some harder than normal kicks so I looked down and could see my stomach moving. It was the craziest looking thing. It sure makes me happy, though!

Weight: Oh man... I can't fit into my pre pregnancy jeans. Not because of my belly, oh no, I just unzip and they SHOULD fit, but nooooo, MY THIGHS ARE TOO BIG!!! It's rather disturbing. Sure, I should be gaining weight, that's fine, but WHY do I need it in my thighs?! Someone told me fat stores. Fat stores my rear (which is also getting bigger). I eat ALL the time. She get's enough food just from my diet! Apparently so do I since I'm packing it on. In the last week I've noticed my face has also gotten fatter. Which has been the hardest blow. I knew it would happen, but I honestly truly didn't think it would happen till 7 or 8 months - NOT 5!! I even asked Jaren if he noticed - AND HE SAID YES!!! Also, I've decided as soon as I'm whole again and she is out I'm training for a half marathon. It should help with not having to buy a new wardrobe. Again. Now, I hope that you all realize I'm just being dramatic. Sure, it bothers me, sure it's depressing at times and sure, I wish I was gaining the weight a bit differently (like some more up top instead of down low). But I eat enough and my number one goal/concern is the health of this little girl. So, none of the "your SUPPOSED to gain weight" stuff. I KNOW. And none of the, "You had better not starve yourself! Your supposed to be eating more!" I KNOW. I do. And NONE of the "your eating for two! So it's okay that you ate an entire bag of hot cheetos in 2 days because it was the first thing that tasted REALLY good that added up to over 1,700 calories" becuase NO, I'm not eating for two. Unless my second half only takes in an extra 300 calories instead of 1,500. Drives me nuts when people say that. That's how I'm going to get fat. Or fatter. I've got 5 more months left to get fat!! Yikes....

And whining and complaining and being dramatic about this stuff helps me cope. But know I'm totally happy with where I am. I fall more and more in love with this little girl every day.

Exercise: I had a bad run for a few weeks. With traveling twice during that time and getting sick and then having it rain and be nasty for the other bit of time I've not gone walking. And really, I'm convinced that's why my face is fat. Also part of why my lower back is KILLING me all the time. So - goal this week. Walk every single day. I usually jog as well, because I can't just walk - drives me nuts. But I do have a treadmill now, so inclimit weather is no excuse. Lofty goal, my friends... but it's the only way I feel okay about the fatness.

I still have the tired days, but lately if I get myself up and take some of that Drenamin that my Chiropractor gave me and eat I feel better. It's so hard for me to fall asleep, though, that I can't take naps very well. It's ANNOYING. Yesterday I laid down for 30 minutes and was wide awake. So was my girl, moving and kicking and keeping me company. I finally got sick of it, got up and ate some Ramen, took some Drenamin and vacuumed my house. I slept amazingly last night!

Today I bought my first pack of diapers. I went to Sams Club and got size 3 huggies - HOLY COW. Almost 50 bucks. Oh my! This was my conversation with Jaren when I got home:
me: Diapers are EXPENSIVE!
Jaren: oh yeah? how much?
me: 50 bucks for a box!
Jaren: so you didn't buy them? (sounding hopeful)
me: of course I did. we are going to have to get them either now or later, mine as well spread it out.
Jaren: yeah......

Also, clearance at Gap Kids - AMAZING. I got three things. I'll post a picture later. Two were 5 bucks and another was 7. I think once a month I'll go raid their clearance. There was a VERY cute pair of jeans for when she's walking, but even on sale they were 17 bucks.... I couldn't do it. I really, really wanted to. But it's still early and I'll find cute stuff again for cheaper. Or so I tell myself.

20 Week Picture

It seems that when I wear some of the stuff that I bought on my maternity shopping trip it falls on days that I don't take a weekly picture. But not this time! The shirt I'm wearing I got at Nordstrom rack, normally 88 bucks. I got it MUCH much cheaper. And I can wear it for just about the whole time, I think. It's a medium where I normally would wear a small. Man I hope I fit into my stuff again. The jeans are maternity. I got them at A Pea In the Pod which used to be MiMi's Maternity. Normally 80 or 90 bucks for 38! Nothing I bought was full priced. Oh wait, some of the stuff at Old Navy was, but it was cheap. I wear them all the time now. Because my beautiful non belly panel jeans DON'T FIT ANYMORE. don't rub it in.
Also, all of my pictures have been inside. I didn't really notice until a cousin of mine posted a belly picture outside. She suggested stainding in a potato field. Brilliant! So I did. The sun was awful bright this morning, but the spuds are beautiful!

The next three pictures are of a dress I also bought with the intent to wear with a growing belly. I am in love with this thing. It has some weird bustle thing in the back, but I don't care. It's light and flowy and cute. I found it at Down East when Victoria was trying on jeans. I put it on over my clothes and walked around the store with it - I was amazed that it fit! It's an XS. But I think it's the draw string thing in the front. I just take out a bit as my belly get's bigger and it fits! It's Deisel and was normally 80 bucks and I got it for 30. Sweet deal if you ask me.
So, it has been brought to my attention that it looks like I'm arching my back in my pictures. I guess it would give you that impression if you had a huge belly hanging off your front and a huge REAR poking out your back. If you remember my 6 week picture (where I am actually wearing the same shirt as the picture below) where I was basically not pregnant, there was just a peanut in there, I still had a rear that stuck out. Well, the rear has gotten bigger and there is no arching of the back. Just a large front and back.

My sister Lindsey came up this weekend to watch her boyfriend, Nate, run a marathon. And spend some time with him. I went to hang out with her while she volunteered at the Dam Marathon (she REALLY wanted the shirt:). She pulled my bag away from me to look at my belly, "Your not that big! You look so much bigger in your pictures. Do you arch your back?" Me - "NO." It really is funny, becuase I don't think I'm very big, then we take a picture and I look huge. She didn't believe me. Until we took this picture:

She agreed that okay, it is as big as it looks :)

Here is Lindsey and Nate.

So, half way done! Every day is a bit closer to meeting my girl! Every day I wonder what she is going to look like. In my mind I see a little girl with dark skin, dark hair and dark eyes. I guess I just see a very cute teeny girl version of Jaren. It's hard to see how I can contribute much when I love the way he looks. Although, we do hope she has my nose. Jaren's is a little bigger and in his words, "a boy nose" :)

Oh, one more funny story. I went to Idaho Falls today with my friend, Sharlene and we were eating at Red Robin. A guy came out to bring us our food. The order was messed up so he went back to fix it. He came back, brought it to us and left. Then our server came over and said, "Don't talk to him very long, he'll get you pregnant." Both of us looked at each other, then at her and said, "We already are." haha. I think she was a little embarrased. I really hope I look pregnant and not fat. But with my face and thighs catching up - maybe not! Also, I'm curious as to the story behind that statement about the boy..... hmmm.....

Also, when I was in Boise I went swimming with Lena and her kids. I thought one of my swimsuits would fit - wrong. I had brought a pair of bikini bottoms to wear with the tankini top I thought would fit. And I also brought the top to wear under the tankini b/c I feel naked in some swimsuits. I ended up wearing the bikini - which was VERY uncomfortable. I'm glad no one was there. I felt like a massive whale chasing a toddler around. Lena let me borrow one of her maternity swimsuits for the summer. I've seen a picture of this swimsuit on the sidebar on facebook. So while I was in Target I found it, tried it on and liked it just as much as the picture - so I got it.
It's so nice being covered up! I don't feel as whalish. I also found a pair of shorts that aren't swim shorts, but should work anyway.

19 Weeks: So Tired

Over the last 2 weeks I've started to get nauseous again. Not every day and only when I get really hungry. It's really annoying. It's not as bad as when I was in my first tri, but it's still inconvenient and uncomfortable.

Back aches: I've always had back problems but never any with my lower back. Oh, how that has changed. It's now my whole back and my lower is so much worse. My Chiropractor says that everything moves so much while your pregnant that you go out all the time. I can attest that that is true.

I feel her move more and more. She is much stronger so I'm feeling more of the smaller movements. I love it. It makes me so happy.

Tired: I am SO SO tired. SO tired. Especially today. It seems like it just get's worse. I get more and more tired as each day goes on. I wake up and not even an hour later I'm ready to go back to bed. And getting out of bed is such a chore! But it always takes me about 10 minutes to fall asleep, but once I'm asleep I'm OUT for at least an hour and a half. It's so hard to wake up again! I feel like I can't get anything done. My Chiro gave me some pills, all natural, because that's what Chiropractors do. Those are supposed to give me energy. I've taken them for two days - I didn't today - and I'd say they worked for about 2 hours. So, I should probably be taking them all morning so I can actually get some stuff done. It's ridiculous. Jaren is so good about it. It's taken me FOUR days to get the laundry done and I still have to fold the last 2 loads! I love him to death for spending all of Monday morning helping me clean. The house got clean! Something that hasn't been done for quite some time. I just hope I can keep it up. I am nervous for my 3rd tri because your supposed to get energy BACK in your second tri and I've lost it. I was fine in my 1st. I guess I can only hope I'm backwards and I'll hit my third and just be bouncing all over the place.... but I really don't see that happening.

Here is my 19 week picture! I really feel like I'm posting pictures of me all the time. I hit the new weeks every Tuesday and that's when I take the picture. I should probably start posting the same time each week.

I still have to post about my NEW couches!!! (I'm in LOVE) And yes, there is a preview up above in that picture.

Babies Cost Lots of Money

I've been very good about not buying anything. Up until last week. But what are you supposed to do when you find out you are having a girl?! Or boy, I think I'd have spent just as much on a boy.

I refused to buy any clothes until I found out what I was having. I didn't want to buy girl clothes, then find out I was having a boy and just have them sit and take up space in the closet till we finally had a girl, or the other way around which would be the case now.

This has been my baby stuff purchasing journey so far:

October 2008

My mom came over to Rexburg for Mothers week and took me and my Sister in Law Stephanie to J.C. Penny's to get her some stuff since she had just found out she was having a boy. While there my mom said, "Whitney, you get to pick out a boy and girl outfit, too!" I was so excited. But sad, too, because this was while I was crying almost daily because I wanted a kid so bad and Jaren wasn't ready. I put the outfits in a bag and shoved them in the bottom of my closet. I pulled them out after I found out I wasn't pregnant in January - BIG MISTAKE. I cried and cried and cried and cried some more. So I haven't touched them until just a few days ago. I found just bunch of onsies that I liked the colors of for the boy. But went a little crazy for the girl.
Here is the girl outfit. Long sleeved onsie (she will be wearing this during the winter) with super cute jean dress! I couldn't stop there, I bought tights and socks. Well, my mom bought them. Thanks mom! You technically bought her her first outfit! Wait a second.. I bought a little dress last summer and handed it to Vic for Claire to wear since she fit into it then. So... you bought the second one! Thanks mommy!

June 2009

This is what I came back from Boise with. The blue plaid dress is the first thing I bought the day I found out what I was having. I got it at Target. It's 18 months.. so two years from this summer she can wear it! I love all of these.

These are my buying conditions: nothing under 6 months (because I figure that's what you will get at a baby shower) and nothing that I absolutly don't adore. That should weed out the justs "that's cute!" as opposed to the, "Oh my, that is beautiful!" My favorite thing here? Ummm.. between the brown skirt and the white onsie with super cute sleeves!! And I also love the sliver/grey dress with a hood. The brown onsie is 24 months! So weird to look at that and picture a little girl waddling around in it....
Here is a close up of the beautifulness of the skirt that I love. I really like things that are girly but not super pink and frills girly. More classy girly? Is that how to describe it? So I love this skirt and how it's brown striped and has that little detail of toole and sparkly thread. Next summer she'll be crawling around in this!

Here is the reason I love this one. The sleeves are beautiful. I think it would be so cute with a jean skirt or pants. Can you tell I love details? Again, this is frilly girly, but without the frills. I really hope I am making sense.

This is a close up of the grey dress. I love the color. How it's not just grey, it's sparkly. And the sleeves and dress isn't flat. I'm no good and describing things... I don't how else to explain it. And the little bits of pink - love that.

Here is the outfit that cost me 45 bucks. That's right... a dress, hat and shoes. I died when I saw it. How could I not?! I vowed this was the only thing that I would spend that much on and justified it by saying it was because I just found out it was a girl. And I loved it. And it's not a onsie, so if she doesn't get too round around the middle and neck she might be able to pull that off for longer than the 6-9 months. It could be a shirt with a pair of jeans (Jaren suggested that :) so proud!) And the shoes! They match, and can be worn with more than just this. And the hat! That matches too and can also be worn with more than just this.
Here is the dress by itself. Uhhh, I love tutu's. So girly, but the kind of girly I like and it's such a beautiful tutu!

Detail

The fabric under the tutu layer toole, thing. It's the same as the hat and bow in the above picture. I love it. LOVE. IT.
Onto the next dilemma. A stroller. Now, what I want is something that I can maneuver around a crowd of people easily, but also something that I can go jog with. I'm going to buy an infant car seat and an adapter for whatever I buy. I want something that will last for more than one or two or three or four kids. I do realize I might have to get a double with two, but I don't have to worry about that yet.

So, here is my first option. A B.O.B. I like it because it has the same name as my Dad. That's the whole reason I'm buying it. Kidding. I'm kidding. But really, my dad's name is Bob. What I like about this? Cheaper than my other option. Nice shocks and amazing reviews. Great maneuverability.
Second option: Baby Jogger. The store I went to called this the Cadillac of strollers. Can't argue with that. But it's another 50-60 bucks more than the BOB. I like the color better. Also, this has an adjustable handle which is great since I'm not even 5'4" and Jaren is 6'. I love all the view flaps that have magnets to hold them open. And closing this thing? AMAZING. Right where the harness is is a handle. You grab that and pull and wall-la! Folded stroller. The BOB has two things you have to do. You need both hands, you pinch two levers on each side of the handle and then behind the seat is a handle like that of the baby jogger's and you pull then it's folded. Both steer great. And both front wheels lock so you can go strait which is what you want for jogging. Oh, AND, where the kids legs fall on the Baby Jogger, that raises up and gives you access to the storage basket and can raise your kids legs if they want when you recline them so they can sleep.

Both of these are great and the price difference... well, it will help with the decision, but if I absolutly love the Baby Jogger then that wont stop me. I'm just having a hard time deciding. I'm reading wonderful reviews with both. The only thing that is pulling be more towards the BOB is that it is a more rugged stroller. And I live in the country and will be taking jogs on dirty roads. I might need the suspension and larger wheels it offers. And the price difference helps. Anyone have any experience with either of these? Advice? (Victoria, I know you just got a Bob... tell me all about it!)

Onto the most amazing wonderful find. While in Boise Lena took me to a baby botique so I could look at all of their strollers. Babies R Us didn't have the particular stroller I had been researching online. I still really like it, but it's too expensive, and you have to buy a car seat seperate and their car seats ONLY work with their strollers and vice versa. So, no option to buy a cheaper carseat even if I wanted that stroller. And, it isn't made to be jogged with. So I dismissed that right away and moved onto these two that I can't decide between.

But while we were there I walked past a crib with a beautiful bedding set. I looked and said, "WOW, that is beautiful!" Stared for a minute, then went and looked at everything else I was there to see. Then Lena and I walked around the store and looked at everything else. Oh, so beautiful. And so pricey! But I kept coming back to this bedding set. It's so pretty. I love everything about it. I started the drive home struggling. Thinking about it and imagining it and going over the pro's and con's. The only con? It's more expensive than we had bargained for for a crib set. I called my sister in law, Vicki and she looked at it and said what I knew and needed to hear. That it's beautiful and wonderful and that I should do it. And that we could make a lot of stuff to match it for the room.

I came home and talked to Jaren about it. Showed it to him, but he is a boy. And took my word for it. He said I can! I'm so excited. SO EXCITED. It will be used for every girl and the wall color will be a brown so it will be easy to change when we have a boy. This is the only thing I'm getting that is gender specific. Bedding. Everything else; carseat, bouncer, swing and high chair will be good for both boy and girl. When we have a boy the only thing we will need to buy is bedding and some clothes.

Well... feast your eyes. It's so beautiful! I just stare and stare. I go to the website and just sit there with it on. I'm on the hunt for the cheapest set. I've found it for 50 bucks cheaper than the store in Boise so that is comforting so far. But I'd like to find it for 100 bucks cheaper. We'll see.

Really, this picture doesn't do the details justice. It's absolutly amazing. Stunning.

I look at stuff all day! If anyone has any advice on anything baby, go ahead and give it. Things you wish you had known. Things you wish you had, things you wish you hadn't bought becuase you could go without. But also let me know what you think of all this stuff!

18 Weeks and Some Big News!

I'm back from Boise and I have the internet again! I was rather sad I didn't get to put a picture of pink frills and lace and all sorts of stuff girl to announce, but Jaren's little one liner was good enough.

Let's see how well I can recount Tuesday morning:

I had spent the night before packing and getting ready so I could leave first thing after the appointment. I was going to Boise to help my sister in law, Lena with her two kids while my brother was away on business. A visit was due anyway, since I hadn't seen much of them since last summer. My brother, Nathan had told me that he and his wife, Stephanie were too excited the night before their appointment they couldn't sleep and I really really wanted to sleep since I was going to be driving 5 hours the next day. So I took some Unisom and had Jaren wake me up at 7 (the appointment was at 9). I slept! All night, well, unless you count the one trip to the bathroom and the half an hour it took to fall back to sleep. I was so so so incredibly nervous. I couldn't exactly figure out why I was SO nervous! I guess it was just finding out what our first kid was going to be. To me, it wasn't just finding out the sex of the baby. It was finding out if the rest of our kids was going to have an oldest brother or sister. Sending a boy on a mission first or a girl off to college first. What type of teenager I was going to have to learn on. If it was going e to beasy to figure out a name or difficult(we have a few picked out for a girl, and cannot for the life of us, agree on anything boy). It was all of this and more I couldn't stop thinking about. Also, Jaren is the last boy in his family. No 1st, 2nd, 3rd or 4th or even 5th that we know of cousins that share his last name. Great thing if boys are ever enlisted again, cause they can't touch him :) but bad if your the wife and bearing the children (even though girls have no say in what the gender is going to be). I had hoped all along it would be a boy so that we(more like I, Jaren says one will come when he decides to come) could breath a sigh of releif and know there would be an heir to this family. But for about 2 weeks previous I had decided I wanted a girl. It was when I thought about having a boy, I would be happy, but I would really want a girl to dress up and watch dance and giggle like little girls do and boy's don't do as well. I thought, "well, having a boy will be fine, but I hope that a girl comes next" and when I thought about having 2 boys in a row I got really sad and realized I just wanted a girl now and I could have all boys next. I never voiced it because I thought, "what if it's a boy and here I've been saying I want a girl, will he not feel wanted when he reads all my thoughts I think outloud someday?" I journal, and write on this blog. Neither have I had any feelings as to which it would be. No leaning more towards a boy or a girl. None. But while we were driving into town I looked at Jaren and said, "Well, this will be our last time to talk about this not knowing. What do you think it's going to be?" He said, "I don't know" which isn't want I wanted to hear, but okay. And it was then I realized I felt like we were having a girl. I was afraid to admit it for fear I'd be wrong, but I told him, "I don't know why, but I kind of feel like we are having a girl." I was SO NERVOUS!

When I get nervous I get fidgity and I need to talk. When Jaren is presented with stress he needs to sit quietly and just think. Really not a good combination, if you ask me. So here I was, trying to talk to ease my nerves and basically talking to myself. I have the emotional tolerance of a 2 year old at the moment and so I was about to cry becuase I was so frustrated! I don't think he believed I felt the way I felt until we got in and they took my blood pressure. Where I am normally under 105, I was 127. It was then he started to tell me to calm down. We were sitting in the room waiting for our doc and he was trying EVERYTHING to distract me. Which made me tear up becuase he was finally talking and making an effort to distract me becuase NOW he believed that I was freaking out. I mean, had me count all the leaves on a mirror. Asking me questions like, "which of those leaves have the most veins?" there was some wall art that had 4 different leaves on it. Silly stuff that was making me laugh and want to kiss him. So, I guess it worked. I was still sweating like a sinner in confession, but it helped to finally have him helping.

Doc came in and told me I could pee in the cup (yay) after we were done. I needed a full bladder. And it was FULL. I sat in the chair for about 5 minutes before the doc came back in and in that time I taught Jaren how to use the camera. He took the short video that I posted at the bottom and then recorded the entire ultrasound. We also got a DVD of it from them. He didn't talk much throughout, which irked me, but it was becuase he was videoing and didn't want to talk into it. The video and DVD are 14 minutes long. So I wont be posting them :)

Well, this little girl must have known she'd be getting in big trouble when she came out if she didn't perform. Or maybe the pounding of my heart made her bury her face into my bladder to try to get away from the noise. Which left her little bum raised high against my belly. She also doesn't like to close her legs - something we'll have to teach her little ladies don't do when she comes out. But as for now I was very proud. The second he put the ultrasound stick on my belly he knew. I had no idea what to look for, I didn't know we were staring strait at her lady parts. He said, "Woah.. you are definitly pregnant (duh)... was there anything you were hoping for?" Jaren shook his head, I said no and he said, "Well, I hope it was a girl, becuase this is definitly a girl." And I, who had already been crying the second I saw the little person on the screen, screamed, "A GIRL?!" A mix of emotions went through me. A lot of are you sure? and what now and so it's not a boy? and, oh my gosh.. a girl.... oh my.... a girl.. I kept looking at Jaren and mouthing, "Oh my!" and "A GIRL?!" and he just smiled and nodded. The excitment built and built throughout the ultrasound. She is measuring right on. Some were a few days a head, and some were one behind. I was crying the whole time. I watched the video and Jaren always seemed to come back to film me while I was whiping my face. I don't think I realized until I watched it. Her stomach was full - drinkin that amniotic fluid - her pee. Her bladder is full which means her kidney's are working.

My favorite part of the whole thing (besides finding out the he was really a she) was when he was trying to find her face. Which he did for about 6 or 7 of the 14 minutes. She was face planted and had her hands infront of her face as well as the umbilicle cord. I told Jaren she had better not be like him (camera shy) because she was going to be the center of A LOT of pictures. She had better be more like me! I'm all for the camera. If you haven't noticed already. So, we didn't get a good look at her face, he tried to move her around, which was the weirdest feeling, let me tell you. But after he moved her all we got was one eye. She covered her face and looked right at us or at my uterus with one eye. So funny. Kind of creepy looking, though. But that wasn't my favorite part. My favorite part was while he was looking for her face he caught her hand. It was so clear. She would open her fist so she was giving us 5 and then would close her little fist one finger by one finger until it was all the way closed. Then she would open her hand and do it again. It was the coolest thing. I don't know why I was so amazed. I feel her move all the time, but that was so real. So incredibly real. And re-watching the DVD (which I have done twice) I love seeing her little thigh and her foot and her ribs and her spine. I'm in love with this little mini person. I still have 21 weeks to go, but I can't wait to meet her. What will she look like?!

We are very, very excited. While I was gone, when I would talk to Jaren on the phone he would ask, "How are my two girls doing?" and "I can't wait for you to come home, I miss my two little girls" :) He is excited, too. I think every day that goes by we both get used to the idea of a girl and we get more happy and excited about it.

This is super long so I will end now. But while in Boise I bought a few things and picked out crib bedding, and have two strollers I'm trying to decide between. Have my car seat picked out, swing. And I spent all morning looking at cradle bedding and looking up reviews on diaper bags. I'll save that post for another day :) I have to pace myself, now and Jaren has been so good about all my ideas and purchases and talk of future purchases even though I know he is cringing when I mention price. He is a good boy. :)

Speaking of - here he is. This was right before I left on Tuesday. I'm so happy to be home with him! Do you like my sparkly popcorn ceiling?! Who needs to lay out in the grass to stargaze when we can do it on our living room floor?

Here is my 18 week picture taken after our appointment. The shirt isn't maternity, it's one I bought at Maurices in January, but works quite well and will probably for another month :)

Here is the video. It's very short. Please forgive the akwardness that is my double chin at that
angle :)

We are having a...

GIRL!


Whitney doesn't have the internet and is gone for a few days, but when she gets back she'll write all about it. But we are excited!

17 Weeks

I am VERY late with this post seeing as I hit 17 weeks on Tuesday. Hopefully I'll catch up and I'll post my 18 week one Tuesday evening, because with it will be the BIG ANNOUNCEMENT!

I guess I can reflect back on the last 2 weeks. During my 16th week I ran my first full mile while pregnant. It didn't hurt or pull much and it felt really good. I probably could have kept going but I had to turn around and the wind was no longer blowing on me, it was blowing with me and I got too hot. I went to Utah, then came home sick and haven't had a chance to go again and I'm really sad about it. Tomorrow I plan on getting back into the swing and at least walking if I'm not up to par with jogging yet. The other exciting thing that happened during my 16th week was the No Doubt Concert Monday Night. It was so loud! I don't remember concerts being that loud, even though I know they were. I think I was just much more aware because I'm pregnant and I couldn't help but think, "what is the kid hearing?" "is it going to be deaf because of this?" "wonder if the noise vibrations are sending vibrations through the amniotic fluid and vibrating the baby", you know, things like that. Laugh all you want, but I had to plug my ears and when it sounded muffled and just fine I was able to enjoy it much more. I don't think I've stayed up past 11:00 p.m. since I've been pregnant and so I was dragging by the time we finally got home to go to bed at 12:30 a.m. I had to talk and talk the whole drive up to Spanish Fork to keep myself awake and Victoria was falling asleep and just giving me, "uh huh's" to keep me appeased. Even then I was still up before 8 a.m. gosh darnit. I can't even sleep in properly!

The last 6 days have been eventful. I shopped all day Tuesday and I think it wore me down. That's the day I started to sneeze (first symptoms of that nasty thing I caught). I also went to dinner with a few of my girlfriends and had a good time laughing and chatting with them. Wednesday, Victoria and I went to Ambers and her husband Joe made us breakfast (thanks again, Joe!)(he also wins husband of the year for making his wife and her friends breakfast). Then I started home and about fell asleep at 2:30 p.m. It was horrible, my eyes were closing and I had to call my mom and make her listen to me tell her about each and every outfit I bought. Such a good Mommy (Happy Birthday, yesterday!). I felt the baby move for the first time around 5:30 p.m. after I got home. It was amazing, I cried like a little girl, then was mad because it made my nose run even more. Also that night I got horribly sick - Jaren thought it was Allergies, I did not. So the next day I went to the doc and had him tell me it was most likely strep and if I hadn't come in it could have turned into Pneumonia (how is that for frightening when all you were expecting was, "yeah, a cold, here's some antibiotics). Had to have an antibiotic shot on my rear that STILL hurts like a big bruise and tomorrow is my last day of antibiotic pills. I feel tons better, but am still not quite over it.

Friday went to the Chiropractor and tried not to cough or have my nose run (REALLY hard when your lying face down on a table with your head stuck through one of those holes) so he wouldn't know I was sick. He really doesn't like it when people come in who are sick. But since I was leaving Tuesday and wouldn't be back all week I couldn't go another week and a half without getting adjusted when I had already gone over 2 and was starting to feel a bit out.

Yesterday I FINALLY got a nap (first one in over a week). I also got my hair cut Thursday because it was the only day the girl who I like to cut my hair was in. Again, tried not to cough or sneeze or booger all over her, too. I hate being out and about when I'm sick.

Saturday night I was reclining on the couch and the baby kept kicking in one spot so I called Jaren over and put his hand right where he/she had been kicking. We waited maybe 45 seconds and I said, "come on baby, kick your daddy" and he/she kicked and he felt it! I cried, he did not. Aren't men supposed to get sympathy hormones or something??? It would be nice if I wasn't the one always blubbering. He has felt him/her move today as well and I can't wait for the kid to get stronger so you can feel it even better. I only feel him/her if i'm sitting still. It's still really faint, but sometimes she/he get's in a good roundhouse kick to my belly button and I LOVE it. You will all say, "just wait till the kid is in your ribs!" because that is what everyone else is saying to me. Sure, okay, I'll wait for it, but right now this is the most amazing feeling ever. I can't wait for it to get stronger. In fact, I think even when I'm getting beat up internally I'm still going to be happy becuase it just means I have a strong baby. Yes, I say this now, you can quote me when I start to whine about it in a few months.

Here is my 17 week picture. I always have the one hand above my stomach and the other over my love handle. So here is one without all that. But I don't think you can see the full size of my belly like this.

So I do this!

Tuesday at 9 a.m. is when we find out if we are having a girl or a boy. I'm so stinkin excited I really can't think about it too much. I'm now to the point that if I'm having a girl this will be my reaction, "A GIRL?!!!!! YAAYY! A GIRLL!! oh... but it's not a boy??" And if it's a boy, "A BOY!!!! WWOOHOOO! AN HEIR TO THE THRONE! I'M SO EXCITED!!!! but your sure it's not a girl??" I want both. I told Jaren if somehow there were twins in there I would cry out of joy (and then get nervous and have to do A LOT of mental preparation). I would LOVE it. He, on the other hand, would probably need to be excused to go shed a few tears in the restroom. :)

I'll be driving to Boise that day, so I wont have time to post about it right away. But I'm going to get a post ready tomorrow and so when I get to Boise I'll be able to post it right away. So be expecting it tomorrow night!

Utah: Fun and Infectious

I arrived on a Monday afternoon and never had a chance to sit down unless it was in the car or at a restaurant until I got home Wednesday evening. That may have had something to do with getting sick so fast.

I started my shopping Monday at Nordy Rack, found 2 shirts and 2 shoes. DSW also provided me with a cute pair of sandals that were not flip flops - which are all the sandals I have (until now). I stayed with my friend Victoria and got to spend some time with a few other girlfriends. It was a very busy 3 days.

Tuesday was spent shopping - ALL DAY. I got most of what I needed at the Gateway and had to hit a few stores on the way back to Provo for dinner to get the rest. I got 2 dresses, 2 skirts, 1 pair of jeans, 2 pairs of shorts and a LOT of shirts. I think I'm pretty well set for the summer. There is a small chance I might have to pick up a few more undershirts and another bella band. Possibly another pair of jeans towards the end of the summer and maybe a few long sleeved shirts come September. 50% of what I bought is maternity and the other 50 is not, but is a size up and a bigger looser style. I'm thinking of posting pictures to see if you can tell the difference - it's pretty amazing.

This is me and my beautiful cousin Lisa who I don't get to see very often. We grew up together and despite our 2 year age difference were very close. It's hard to keep up with each others lives living in different states. She left to Africa Friday to help at an orphanage and I can't wait for her to come home and tell us all about the amazing experience! I sure hope she get's to go on an African Safari, at least someone will get to go and tell me how it is. (for those of you who don't know, it's my dream to go on an African Safari, but Jaren is too scared he will get eaten by a Lion and tells me he will take me to the San Diego Zoo instead. Uh huh... waiting for that to happen, too)

These next photos are from the concert taken by my phone. So the quality isn't superb.
Victoria and I after Paramore performed, waiting for No Doubt. We were so rushed to get there that we had to grab dinner there: chicken strips and fries, the most greasy fries I've ever had.
This is the best picture of Paramore's set I got. They put on a great show. Hailey (the lead singer) has a phenomenal flawless voice that sounds just as amazing live as on their albums. They played quite a few new songs that are coming out on their new album at the end of the summer. It was nice hearing them, but we would have rather heard more stuff we knew and could sing to. I cannot figure out how to flip this. Even when I flip it in a photo editer and save it it still comes out like this. This was how they entered the stage. One by one each bandmember walked out and then the curtain dropped and they were standing at all different areas of the stage - it was really exciting. I have been a fan of No Doubt since I was in 6th grade and this was my first concert of theirs. I had a chance to go when I was a Senior in High School but my dad wouldn't let me - I'm still bitter about it.
One of my favorite things was their opening song. They played "Excuse Me Mr.", but it was a different version. It was awesome. They had a big white TV screen that played video's that went with each song. It was so much to look at! My favorite video was to their song, "Bathwater" where each bandmember basically just jumped around to the beat.
Towards the end of the show she brought out her son, Kingston. His birthday was the next day and since it was 12 a.m. on the east coast she brought him out. He was wearing big black ear muffs and we all sang happy birthday to him and during the song Gwen tried to take off the muffs but he got scared and covered his ears even though it wasn't loud. It was very cute. He smiled and waved at everyone and I tried to see if Gavin would come out and get him, but it was a nanny. Bummer. You can see them on the screen and even see his black ear muffs.

She said they were going to have to come back, which I'm hoping after they release their next album (which they are currently writing) they will. And I'll be there. :)

I'm thinking I got whatever it was I got at that concert (hence: Utah being infectious). Close quarters with everyone breathing on you can't be a good thing. I'm feeling tons better, but still really congested - so gross. Tomorrow is going to be really busy, I'm going to try to get my house clean before I'm gone for the rest of the week in Boise. Lena has a pool in her development and we plan on spending all sorts of time out there. I'm going to lay out and get some color. I may even tan the belly. Might be fun.

My Poor Poor Rear

This is an update to the post below:


I made an appointment to go to the doctor to find out if this cold was viral or bacterial so I could find out if I could take antibiotics or not. I'm going to Boise next week to help my sister in law, Lena with her two babies while my brother is out of town. Because of this I really felt like I needed to get the cold or whatever it was taken care of quick. Otherwise I probably would have waited to see if I would feel better later.

I waited in the waiting room for about 20 minutes, then in the patient room for 40 minutes. I about left. I was SO tired I was falling asleep before I left my house for the appointment. I thought about canceling and just going tomorrow so I could take a nap, but I didn't. And I am SO glad I did.

The doc came in, poked around, listened checked down my throat, then told me the vampire would be there in a minute. 10 minutes later the vamp lady came in, poked my finger, then left. I waited another 15 minutes and the doc came in:

"Goodness Girl! You have a serious infection!"
me: I do?
doc: Yes, your white blood cell count is over 20,000! You haven't had a fever?
me: umm, no, not that I know of
doc: hmm, well, your tonsils and glands are very swollen, it looks like strep, but we would have to test for that and since your cold is bacterial and we can treat it with antibiotics we will just see if you get better
me: oh... well, I'm glad it's bacterial!
doc: I'm worried about pneumonia, so can we give you a shot?
me: a shot? sure, if it will make me better
doc: it will help speed up the process, since your pregnant we want this gone as soon as possible. I'm also giving you the z pack (5 day antibiotics)
me: ok!
doc: see you next week for your ultrasound!

So... along comes this sweet looking little girl nurse with this needle with ugly yellow stuff in it. I hold out my arm, she says, "Uhh, actually, we have to do this one on your butt." WHAT?! Crrap. I said, "well, if it will make me get better faster".

I haven't had a shot in that particular region since I was 6 and a girl I played with all the time moved away and shortly after found out she had Hepatitis somethin and I had to get a shot. I remember that encounter vividly. Infact, the nurse didn't even put the bandaid on the owy! I remember being annoyed and having to put it on the correct spot myself.

Can I just say that a little pinch really means 40 250 pound grown burly men coming and taking a sucker punch to your left cheek all on the same spot. And the "sting" was the numbing agent. The numbing agent was what hurt so bad!! It didn't make sense... It took an hour and a half to start to feel a little bit normal.

So, I was informed that if I don't feel better to come rigth back in. I'm taking Unisom tonight so I can actually sleep and I plan on sleeping for a good 15 hours. I need to catch up.

Tomorrow I will post some pictures.

A Cold or Allergies?

I have been so busy the last... week? Now that I think of it I don't think I got a nap at all in the last week. The last 3 days have been particularly draining. Constant driving, a full 9 hours of shopping and trying clothes on and walking, late nights, no naps, waking up early. Before I was pregnant I would be fine - that was normal, but now... oh man.. I was so tired yesterday I about fell asleep driving home at 2:30 in the afternoon! I had to call my mom and make her listen to me talk on and on about each outfit I bought. Which was a lot by the way. I bought a TON of clothes, but I'm so happy that I finally have clothes to wear. I'm going to go through my closet and put away all of the stuff I know I wont be able to wear until I'm back to my pre pregnancy size to make room. Maybe I'll take a before and after picture. It'll be pretty crazy. I'm also very excited about the stuff I found. Deals, things that aren't maternity but will work better than some.

Anyway, back to the exhaustion. I'm pretty sure (99%) that I have a cold. I have never had allergies in my life (yes, I know you can get them and especially during pregnancy), but this feels so much like a cold. The symptoms started yesterday with a really annoying runny nose into my throat (gross, yes) and a lot of sneezing. Then my throat started to feel really sore and raw. And my glands are swollen and achy. Jaren refused to believe it was a cold which for some reason drove me up the wall and made me really angry. I don't get upset that easily, but I think being tired along with my crazy hormones is really throwing me off. I took Mucinex-D which was prescribed last time I had a cold which was before I knew I was pregnant, but knew I could be. That helped a little, but when it wore off around 1 a.m. it was horrible. No sleep, I kept waking up turning around sneezing... uhg. I would look at Jaren all peacefull sleeping with not a care in the world - he kept pulling the covers away from me! I was so mad at him! Every time I rolled over I was mad. And I wasn't even hogging the covers. Apparently he didn't realize he was doing it.

I don't really get mad or angry at him. But when I woke up and looked over and saw that he wasn't there I was so mad! He came right in when he heard me rustling around and I told him... "I don't know why, but I woke up so mad at you." And I was. For another 15 minutes so angry. I don't know why, don't understand. He was very patient, like always, but kept trying to get away, which made me more mad. haha... it was ridiculous. I knew it was the whole time! It didn't help that he kept saying, "sounds like allergies" every time I whined about how I was feeling.

So I googled, "Allergy symptoms versus cold symptoms" and found that the two key things are the length of the symptoms and a sore throat. I have a scheduled doc apt for Tuesday morning (to find out what the kid is- shh... I can't think about it, I'm too excited and it's still too far away) but I don't think I am going to wait till then to find out if it will just go away or not. I'm going to Boise that day as well to help watch my niece and nephew and I don't need to be sick if I can help it, so I'm going to go in and see if there is anything I can do about this COLD. I'll sure be embarassed if he comes back and is like, "Actually... you don't have the cold virus, just allergies". But I don't believe that. I feel too horrible.

I think I'm going to go back to sleep.

Also, I have my 17 week picture to post, but I'll do that later. And I am going to post pictures of a few of my maternity outfits, but again, that will happen later.

I also have to make a hair appointment, change my chiropractor visit (they called me, but I have to call them back), run a few errands in town, call the dentist (the sensitivity never went away since February, but I was too scared to go in again... but I need to get it taken care of), and then call the doc. Too much work! I'm tired.

Also - I felt the baby move yesterday!!! I'm finally 100% sure I felt it. Before I thought.. maybe... but maybe not. I have been constantly running around, talking, driving and jostling the kid around that the second I got home last night and sat down about 2 minutes later I felt him/her on the right side of my uterus movin like crazy. I got so excited I pressed pause on the TV and waited and about 30 seconds later felt it again. I cried and cried and cried... about called Jaren, but knew he was going to be home in a few minutes so I waited. He tried to put his hand on my stomach, but I told him it will be another few weeks till he can feel the kid move through my belly. When could other people feel your kid move??

p.s. the concert was amazing. I'll post about that as well. I don't remember a concert being that loud, even though I'm sure they all have been, but I'm so much more aware. I was scared I was making my kid deaf, but when I plugged my ears and just heard it all muffled it sounded fine. So feeling the kid move yesterday confirmed he/she is still alive. I'm so glad my rock concert didn't kill my kid. I was worried. :)

Statcounter Secrets

I was looking at my stat counter and noticed a recurring theme. No, not stalking, that I know of, but people from all over the place were googling a famous name and coming to my blog for their picture. So far it looks like anywhere from 3-7 people in a day.

Remember this post?

Apparently I'm not the only one interested in Interpol or just their lead singer - who is rather good looking.
I'm not sure whether they are googling Interpol or just Paul Banks. Either way, they are international stars just from my records.

Here are a few places people have been coming from:

Carcas Venezuela
Guignen, France
Mexico
Poznan, Poland
Dubai
Conception, Chile
Quebec, Canada
Grange Mouth, United Kingdom
Genoa, Italy
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
LA, California
Rio De Janeiro, Brazil
Moscow, Russia
Sao Paulo, Brazil
Salerno, Italy
Mannheim, Germany

The next top thing that googling brings my blog up for is "expensive things". Kind of funny, but because of this post it makes sense.

I'm compiling a list of really weird things that people type in and come to my blog for. I need to check statcounter more so I don't miss some of these gem's! (Like the boy, in Trinidad and Tabago who googled "Am a boy and am seventeen years old and pee like every 3 minutes what does that mean" took him to my toilet post where I whine about having to pee all the time, but I have no toilet. Sorry, Trinidad boy... my condition only happens to women.)

16 weeks

I couldn't decide which picture to do this time, so I did two.
This one was taken Tuesday. I took one of my naked belly and the love handle was too big. So down came the undershirt - so much safer!
Jaren took this one today. I had just eaten a big Bajio salad, but really, I'm huge. I don't know if you can see well enough.. but seriously.... even my Young Women girls, "Whitney... your REALLY big... your going to be HUGE" Think I will?? I'm only 16 weeks and I feel like I should be 22 or something. Okay... looking at this picture it doesn't do the belly justice. I'll see if I can dig a better one out.

This last week has been good. I think my belly has doubled in size. A few times I felt sick again and that wasn't exciting. I had to stay at the in laws because I can't go without a toilet for a night. I only exercised once and it ran it's toll. I put on more weight this one week (week 15 of pregnancy) than any 4 weeks combined so far. I'm having a bit of a hard time with the weight going to other places than my belly. Like my face, arms, thighs.... I know you are supposed to gain weight while pregnant, don't start on that. I'm fine with the weight gain, it's just when it's on other places other than my belly or chest. I mean, I'm not carrying the kid in my thighs! It's just taking some getting used to and the only way I can be happy about it is if I exercise on most days. So, that's something I'm trying to work on - more than three days a week.

Sleep: falling asleep is hard. But once I'm out.. I am OUT. Until I have to pee.. that wakes me right up, then I have a hard time falling back to sleep again. I've been so much more tired this trimester than in my first and so I need naps. If I don't get one I'm ready for bed at 7 p.m. It's so crazy, though, because once I fall asleep it's like it's nighttime. I wake up and my body feels like it has been woken from only 5 hours of a needed 10 hour nap. And if I don't set my alarm, I sleep for 2 hours. It's been interesting :)

I am still just trying to feel movement.... I know it will probably not be for another week or two, but I just keep trying anyway! Why not? I've thought I've felt it a few times, but usually I toot so that must mean gas and not baby. I am so sore down there around my uterus that I'm wondering if I'll even know when I am capable of feeling it. It will probably be mixed in with all the other ouchies that have been goin on.

Less than two weeks and I'll know what I'm having! Then what? Just wait for another 22 months, I guess? I can start shopping!

I think this one is at a better angle for the hugeness. The hole in the wall is supposed to have a light switch for lighting on the ceiling that hasn't happened yet, but has been talked about for the last 2 years :) Jaren's a busy boy....

And since lately all we've seen is me and my big belly here is my very good looking helpful husband who I get to see maybe, if I'm lucky, for 2 hours out of a day. It's wearing on me.. it's been going on for over a month and before that I was in school so I saw him maybe 3 hours a day. I think we need to just get away for a day or two. I miss him. And I live with him! But I miss him like crazy.
Our vacuum was smelling horribly, so he peeked and it was the belt (which is what I thought). Worn too loose so it was slipping and just burnin rubber. I'm picking up a new one tomorrow.

Testing, Testing

I have been messing around trying to figure out a new layout and blog header and signature. I've been busy the last few hours!

So far.. so good, I think.

There are a few things I want to figure out. I'll be changing quite a bit on my sidebar, too. But I'll leave that for tomorrow. Or the next day....

Also, my signature - HUGE. I don't know how to make it smaller. Or maybe I do. I'll be messing around with that as well.

Water Update:
I'm home! It was a bad wire that was replaced this afternoon. I have dishes soaking that need scrubbed because I had no water to soak them in so they have dried crustied food stuck to them - yummy, I know. I took some pictures of the mess that was made because of it - which seems like a small price to pay for running water! I'll post them tomorrow.

Also, my cute little pregnant lady badge thinger is gone. :( Very sad. I think their website is having problems. So I'm on the hunt for one of those floating babies... creepy, I know - but it provides me with a visual since all I see is a fat belly getting bigger and bigger.

Tell me what you think!

The Beauty of the Toilet

Seriously all I can think about....

Why? Because I can't use mine!!

Why? Because the pump for our well is BROKEN!

What does that mean? No running water. None. Luckily we have bottled water, but what use is that when you can't dispose of the aftermath properly? It's no use!

Jaren informed me that I can, in fact, use the toilet, just can't flush. I can't do it.... I can't... maybe if it was just once, but since I go every hour and it wont be fixed till tomorrow it is not really doable.

He's not phased, though. He was born with man parts that make it so that the universe is his toilet.

Luckily, his parents live just a few miles down the road and haven't cleared his room of a bed yet so we will be staying with them. It's actually funny.... after it's distressing. It's more funny, though, that we stay with them and our house is just 3 minutes away. But it's off limits if I want to be comfortable at the moment.

Never have I been so grateful for running water before in my life. At least when you go camping, there are sometimes faucets for you to wash your hands. None of that here! And some camping sites have toilets!

Have fun with your running water you civilized generation!

p.s. I'm thinking I'm going to reschedule the little meet and greet for some other time. Not anyone can make it so we'll just figure something else out someday.

Bloggy Meet and Greet

It's true - I want to see everyone again!

I'm coming to Utah on the 25th and will be there for a few days. I'm thinking Tuesday, the 26th for dinner.

I have no idea where or exactly what time. I'm thinking 6 or 7 and somewhere where they have good seating - preferably a big round table would be nice.

Let me know if you can make it so I can get a count for the restaurant. I'll take suggestions. I hope I can see everyone and maybe meet a few people I haven't met yet!

Here is the post from the Meet and Greet in October last year.

15 Weeks

Here it is - the once a week picture:

15 weeks:

For the last week I have had a huge massive head ache. I got them very often before I was pregnant, but I could take Excedrin for them and that helped a lot. Now... I can't. I've been getting head aches since I was in elementary school. I remember being in about 4th grade and going to the office and asking for some Excedrin because I had a head ache. The ladies there were shocked I even knew what that was. Come to think of it.... did my mom let me have it that young? I don't know, probably. haha

Then, 6 years ago I was thrown off a 4 wheeler while trying to jump a dune (stupid, stupid, stupid) and messed up my neck and back very badly. I went to a Chiropractor - did nothing for me, so I went to Physical Therapy for 10 months and that seemed to work quite a bit. But then that ended and it got bad again and there was nothing I could do about it because I couldn't afford to get help and I was at school.

I was married for a few months and Jaren had had enough of my whining and crying about how bad my back/neck/head hurt so I started to get massages twice a month. Those helped a teeny bit, but not much. So we found a Chiropractor that does Atlas adjustments and I have been going to him since March of last year. He is great, it has helped, but I can't seem to hold my adjustment. If I exercise, it holds for a very long time... but now that I'm pregnant.... doesn't matter how much I exercise it just wont hold. So, I'm stuck with this horrible head ache that I know can be helped if I get adjusted again. But, I'm so sick of having to go every 2 weeks! It's not the cheapest of things AND we are now paying for a kid. So... it's a little frustrating.

I'm going tomorrow and I'm going to talk to him, but I don' t think he'll tell me anything I don't already know.

I had my monthly check up this morning and I was told I can take Tylenol every 4 hours all day long if I need to. That makes me feel so much better so I'm going to. Baby's heart beat was 146 bpm today and turns out my home scale is way off. I was feeling depressed last night and this morning because according to my scale (which is 2 years old and was probably 20-30 bucks) I have put on 6 pounds. But according to the doc's scale (which is probably hundreds and I'd say is pretty accurate) I've put on 3 pounds. So I left feeling MUCH better about myself. I'm aware the weight will just start piling on in the next few months and that is fine, but I just didn't think I needed a ton in my first trimester since the kid wasn't even an ounce then. I just want a healthy, steady weight gain if I can help it - which I can't. Except I just need to eat well and exercise. That's about all I can do. :)

The appointment is scheduled - June 2nd at 9:00 a.m. we will find out what we are having! I'm so excited I can't stand it.

p.s. the wind is blowing about 50 mph right now. sounds like my house is going to blow down. i'm a little nervous.