I find myself thinking often of how I used to journal. At least once a week and often more than that all through Jr. High, High School and a little less in college, but still did it. It fell off to the side after I got married and turned into two to three times a year. Then I started up this here blog and posted 4-6 times a week sometimes! I enjoyed feeling some sort of connected to the world through that and being able to voice my thoughts while living in a world where I have little social interaction while living out here.
Since having kids I've not been able to keep a very good schedule of writing. My life is different every day. Just when something starts to get comfortable and the same something changes. School starting, nap times changing, farming season beginning or ending, vacation throwing wrenches in things.
What I see when I see my girls is how badly I want them to know how much I love them. How badly I wanted/want them. How I want them to know me, know the things I went through, the way I thought, that at every stage in their life they can look back and see their Momma went through it, too. So often I think, "What will I talk about?" And I sit down, open up blogger and stare and stare at the white page.
I just want to be remembered. I want to be an example to my children and I want them to know me. Know me as an 8 year old, 15 year old, 20, 24, and now 27. That comes from writing experiences and my reactions to them. Tonight Jaren went to dinner with his bestie and Naomi came and sat on my lap and asked me to sing Primary songs to her. It was the best experience I have had one on one with her in a long time. It was a special moment and for a while she just stared right up into my tear stained face while I sang. Usually a question like, "Why are you crying, mama?" comes the second she see's tears. But not tonight, she looked into my eyes for 2 or 3 minutes, then laid her head on my chest.
Having babies is hard for me. The pregnancies and the infancy part is hard on me. Adalyn has been particularly tough. Feeding times have been a struggle since she was born and she is 15 months old now. I am so grateful for both of them; I fear I may only be able to do this one more time. I'm hoping my body allows me two more, but I'm not in control of that.
It's moments like what happened tonight that I want frozen in time. I want to never ever forget and I want my daughter to remember the love we both felt. That I have for her. She immediately told me, "I love you, mama" the second I was done.
I want my daughters to want to be like me. I want to be that person that allows them to look up to me. I want to be someone they should emulate. I want them to read my past and feel connected to me. I don't think I care if in 70 years no one remembers me except my children, grandchildren, great grand children. I hope it goes further than that. I wish I knew my great great's. I want to make it easy for my descendants to know me. Hopefully I can attain that. Sometimes I feel that's all I need to do in life; raise good, respectful people and document life. I sure take a million pictures; I just need to follow up with words.