Tuesday, September 29, 2009

35 Weeks: Random Updates

Anything new?

Just that the cramping has come back (and is more painful) even though I'm still taking those pills. I feel like it's such a waste of pain if it's not causing dilation. I wont find out if it is (and it's probably not) till next Tuesday.

Each day I think it's impossible for my body to be more uncomfortable and in any more pain. Then the next day I'm proven wrong.

I would LOVE for her to flip so her head isn't nestled under my ribs. Each day she get's a little bigger and so she get's a little higher and now I'm constantly trying to arch my back to relieve some of the pressure/pain. It has to be rather uncomfortable for her, too, right? She is still kicking pretty good, but they aren't as hard. I'm thinking she doesn't have much room to wind up.

90% of the time I move there is grunting and wincing. I asked Jaren if it annoyed him and he said no. I said, good, because I can't help it.

I came to the realization last night that there is no part of my body that is mine. That is what I worked so hard for all of my life since I was 15. Nothing familiar. That, of course, was something I shouldn't have thought about because it caused a not so fun breakdown.

I prefer crying in the shower because then you can blow your nose without the gross boogery-in-kleenex feeling. Have I ever shared my phobia of blowing my nose?? Ohhhh it grosses me OUT.

I've been super amazingly domestic. I want to share the stuff I've made, but some are gifts and we will just have to wait till the recipients get them and then I'll post pictures of my awesomeness.

I am working on some projects for the nursery and as soon as they are done I'll share pictures of the nursery. Or maybe I'll post some anyway with naked walls so I can post some later with not so naked walls.

Where did my nesting energy go? I'm in a funk. I get up, eat breakfast, then want to lay back down and go back to sleep. Waste my WHOLE morning. I need a kick in the rear. Which I think will only come from my own foot. But it's hard since I cant even touch my foot.

This is projected to be Jaren's last week of spud harvest. It will be full of late nights and a super bored wife. But come Sunday morning - he is MINE!!! Very, VERY excited about that.

Weight is still piling on. Faster than the "in the last trimester you gain about a pound a week..." nonsense. I'm eating well, VERY well and not a lot at all. I'm not going hungry, but I am not shoving all sorts of calories down my throat. It's been a month since I've stopped eating sweets and it's seemed to do diddly. I seem to be getting even more swollen, too. Even my lips. UHG.

Unless it's below freezing in our bedroom at night I am HOT and sweating and trying (unsuccessfully b/c it hurts too bad) to roll around to get comfortable. And I'm not exaggerating about the temperature. It needs to be around 32 degree's. Thank heavens Jaren likes to sleep in the cold.

PSD pain is getting worse and worse. Now when I wake up in the middle of the night to waddle to the bathroom I'm about brought to my knees. But falling down would mean having to get back up, which would hurt worse and when I really REALLY have to pee that process just wont work. So I just wince and make noises.

Jaren sleeps through all of my painful noises when I get up to go to the bathroom and the grunting trying to get back into bed and the rusteling of the covers as I try to get them back over me. Then when my head hits the pillow he wakes up and tries to put the covers over me and asks, "are you ok? What do I need to do?" With which I laugh and tell him to just go back to bed. And he does. :) Wonder if this will be how it will be with the feedings?? We'll have to see.

Read that pregnant women have an increase of mucus (gross, I know). I didn't know it would be like a constant stuffy cold!! Thank heavens for Mucinex D.

35 Weeks:
I am totally completely swollen. I've put on 4 pounds in the last week (HOWWWWWWW?!?!?!!!) and the only thing I can think of is that it's more water. Which would explain why my face is swollen, my LIPS, my hands (can't hardly see my knuckles anymore), and of course, everything else. I can't hardly bend over to put lotion on my calves. How many more weeks do I have?????
Finger on top of her head and hand cupping her rear. She is getting rather large.
Drum roll please.....
I talk about how she is only on one side. She is this large lump that doesn't like to go past my belly button (towards the left of my uterus).

Well, here it is:
From top of head looking down while I'm laying down. So your looking at the top of her head. the smaller lump is her legs.
Please ignore the messyness that is my house. Lots of unfinished projects and I'm currently in the process of decorating for Halloween and Fall. In between naps.

Looking at my belly from underneath. This seems to be the most revealing of shots. My fingers are centered above my belly.
I have room for two in here. My left side is totally empty. Although, since she is getting rather long her legs have taken up space on the bottom left. The thought of two babies in there.... the same pain in BOTH ribs?? Uhg. I'll take my stubborn little one.

What is funny is that people have commented, "is she right there?" while pointing to my right. It's now quite obvious just while standing or sitting. My chiropractor says, "Wow, looks like your pregnant" and I respond, "Yeah, just on one side." Makes him laugh, but he does this every time.

I sure hope this girl flips on her own SOON.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

34 Weeks: How Is She Going to Come Out?!

Your guess is as good as mine.

We went to the doctor Tuesday and everything was going well. I was in a great mood - my blood pressure was off the charts. So they had a nurse come in and manually take it twice: first time was 102!!! Oh man... I about cried. I realized it was the only thing that was constant pre pregnancy that has come out during pregnancy (at the end, of course.... but still). Second time was 110; still MUCH better, but not as low as what I used to be. It made me a bit sad that my very very healthy and in shape self has long since been gone. But I am VERY hopeful and looking forward to getting my body back and making it mine again. What I'm happy with, what I'm used to.

Anywho: quick update then I'll run into the different birthing scenarios.
  • - been taking the "stop cramping" pills for over a week now and menstrual cramps are pretty much all gone. Just get the sharp quick painful ones when I walk - not constantly, but still pretty regular while walking.
  • - pretty sure bladder infection is gone. Didn' t know I had one in the first place.... so I'm assuming the antibiotics did the trick.
  • - Mommy came all last week and helped a TON. Cleaned, helped me de-clutter and kept me company. The biggest project - the nursery - got done because of her. I would have been so overwhelmed.
  • - Jaren set up the crib last Wednesday and I LOVE IT. All I do is go in and just stare and stare.
  • - I also go in and grab my blessing dress and stare and hold it - I'm in love. So glad Mom held onto that.
  • - Really really looking forward to spud harvest being over so I get my husband back. This has been the least demanding (this is my 3rd I've been married to him for) so far, so I shouldn't be complaining. But I miss him.
  • - since regulating my own diet the scale has been somewhat under control.
  • - Still have a super inny belly button
  • - no stretch marks on belly - I check every day
  • - but have found them elsewhere... and found some more this morning - REALLY bummed about it.
  • - rib pain get's worse every day. The bigger she get's the larger her head is and it's constantly lodged under my ribs. Just my right side, but it's lately been hurting on both sides even though she's only on one side.
  • - Informed Jaren I'm going to whine a lot about being miserably uncomfortable and in pain because it makes me feel better. He's ok with it.
  • - Amazing how whining actually does make you feel better
  • - I think I just need those Advent bottles (so expensive!) and then I'm pretty well set.... I think..... I hope.

Oh the possibilities:
She will come one of two ways: C section or vaginal birth (what other ways are there? Unless there's something new that I've not heard of....)

How we will get to either of those points will go one of these ways:

  • At 36 weeks I stop taking my cramping pills and go in for an ultrasound to try to see if they can see why she wont budge. I'll also get "checked" again.....
  • At this ultrasound if we see that she cannot move or budge then we schedule C section from there. We'll see if I can swing 38 weeks.... but I doubt it.
  • Unless I go into labor before or she decides to turn by 38 weeks we will try to turn her. I'll go in the hospital, they will give me stuff to relax my uterus and some stuff for the pain, take an ultrasound find bum, head and placenta then a nurse and my doc will start the pain, I mean... process. He said they will try a front somersault, if she wont move, they will try the opposite way and if she wont move that way either; they give up. No need to try when obviously there's a reason she wont move. And then we would schedule a C section for a few days later.
  • If I go into labor and she is breech and they have already established she wont flip, they will automatically take me in and do a C section.
  • If at 38 weeks they get her turned, my doc is pretty sure that because she will be bigger she wont turn back around. So we wait.... and wait till my body and her's decides it's time to get on with life and get her out.
  • We will enduce depending on the situation and what is going on and what my doctor thinks is best.
I am planning on a C section so that if she flips I will be pleasantly surprised about pushing her out the "normal" way. Then if I have to have a C section I wont be to shocked and freaked, I'll be expecting it. So, I'm mentally preparing myself.

It feels really nice to have some type of plan for each scenario. I'm not just sitting here wondering. I'm more terrified of the turning than I am of the birth(with the birth I get an epidural, not so with the turning). I hear how absolutly painful it is and I've already had a bit of a taste - and THAT was very painful. I cannot imagine a full on attack. I've been assured that she will be fine throughout all of it. They monitor her heart rate and wont force anything. If at any point she is under stress I'll opt out and just go for a c section. I really really REALLY don't want her stressed. She's this poor tiny little innocent thing that doesn't know she's being naughty so I will do whatever is best for her.

I feel very at peace with the whole situation. I know that with whatever happens both her and I will be fine. I just don't know exactly how we will get to that point. It's a bit scary at times.

Lately I can't stop thinking about holding her, seeing her and taking care of her. I can't imagine a little girl that looks like me - all I see is a dark haired, dark eyed and possibly dark skinned little thing. Which is all Jaren. I was a tow head and then my hair started to get dark end of high school and in College went the brown it is now. So it's possible she could come out blonde, but I think it would go dark before she even hit Jr. High because of her daddy.

She's around 5 pounds now and I keep thinking she's a BABY in there. A full sized little baby. She needs to have the finishing touches for her lung and nerve development, but she is getting so big!

I'm trying to be patient... I'm very, very excited. And very uncomfortable, so I'm trying to keep myself occupied. I love this little girl and am soooo excited to have her. She has been very badly wanted for quite some time.

34 Weeks:
I was tired and cranky
The PJ pants(maternity) are courtesy of my sister, Lindsey who had mercy on my "no pants fit me anymore!" dilemma. I have 2 pairs of jeans and b/c of her; 2 pairs of lounge pants. I wear 2 of Jaren's shorts, too. And that's it! I really really look forward to loosing the weight so I have clothes to wear again.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

33 Weeks: Much Better

The 4 days I was on bed rest were no fun. It was hard to not be able to do anything. I had my own body as an enforcer because whenever I tried to do anything I hurt. I made an appointment to meet with my doctor (finally off vacation) Monday. I went in and told him everything that had been happening. He was equally flustered and concerned. We listened to her heartbeat which was heard almost through my belly button - made me laugh. A portal to her heart.

Coming into this appointment I felt calm. I felt like I was going to get answers. Then I stepped on the scale. My last appointment was 4 days previous and I put on 3 pounds. I'm to the point where I just laugh about it... not because I'm genuinely entertained, but because I can't believe it. It's out of control. I'm eating really well and It's still piling on - HOW?! I stopped eating sweets since I was told I was borderline Gestational Diabetic. I asked the doc and he is running my blood again and I'm possibly seeing the nutritionist this coming Tuesday at my 34 week appointment. It's weird to be seeing a nutritionist since it's kind of what I went to school for - I've designed many a meal and exercise plan for overweight or diabetic or high blood pressured people. But, this just means I wont have to think, someone else will! I'm stumped because what do I do if I'm hungry??? It HURTS to be so hungry. I guess that's a sign of GD. I really hope I don't have it, but it would explain the massive water retention, out of control weight gain and why I get rather dizzy and sick if I need to eat. Blah.... So, for now I'm just eating very small amounts often of fruits, vegetables, whole grains, protein stuff and drinking LOTS of water. So far so good.

Doctor checked me for dilation - "cervix closed." is what he said. So that's good news! But, can I just say getting "checked" is rather uncomfortable. Not quite what I expected... not too excited to repeat it, but I think this is just the tip of the ice berg for what is in store in the next month and a half.

Baby is still vertically breech. Pretty sure she's dropped. But then she rises back out of my pelvis to nestle her big head under my ribs - such a sweetheart. It was sure weird, though. Waking up and seeing her head bump about 2 inches lower than normal. My lower abdomen was rather protrudy. We are worried she is much too comfortable and doesn't want to move. I'm to the point where I am expecting them trying to turn her and I'm coming to grips that a C section is just as likely as a vaginal birth for me. Not excited about it.... but I can say I wont ever let her forget that she was the first and set the trend. I'll probably even scare her with my scar regularly so she knows it. (all in a lovingly teasing motherly way - don't want to give my child a complex)

Last Thursday they checked for a bladder infection - came back negative. He checked again Monday and said I had lots of bacteria so the likleyhood of an infection is high. So in the 4 days I developed one. Yes, a bladder infection would explain my cramping. But I doubt I have had one that has gone undetected with all the cup peeing I've been doing for the last month. When I asked him about that, he told me I just have a "naughty uterus". Darn naughty uterus. The cramping causes so much pain and I really really would like to walk. He gave me some pills that stop cramping and then gave me antibiotics for the bladder infection and plus I have muscle relaxers that are supposed to help me sleep and then my prenatals. I feel like a pill popping fool. Two every morning and all 4 every night.

I asked him right before he left if it meant I can move again and he said yes. So, off bed rest! But it's taken a few days for the pills to work. Yesterday was the first day that I didn't cramp every time I moved. Which was very exciting. The menstrual cramps are very very dimmed and just about gone. The sharp really painful ones still hit, but are by no means as regular as before. I now just have all that PSD pain that is getting worse and worse as the little princesses behind get's bigger and bigger and nestles into my pelvis so gently.

My mom came Monday night and it's been wonderful. She and I got groceries, pedicures and all day yesterday cleaned out and sorted through my nursery. We washed all her 0 to 12 month clothes and got them put away. Jaren set up the crib last night and I'm in love. I think I'll do a whole post on the crib drama and the amazing deal I ended up getting. It is amazing to walk in there and see a clear floor and full closet and a crib and I'm very very excited about everything. I'm very glad she's continuing to cook - but I'm ready to have her here in a month. Yeah? Yeah. Sounds good to me.

I was really bummed that I wasn't able to go to Boise last weekend for a special family event for Jaren's side of the family. And was even more so when I found out I wasn't dilated and all I needed were some pills. All of that would have been taken care of if my doctor had been there when I went in on Thursday. But it didn't matter that we weren't able to make it, Jaren's family still spoiled us and sent gifts. Things that will save us a lot of money and we are going to put to very good use. We are very grateful.

All in all this is a crazy pregnancy. And didn't start to be one till I hit my third trimester. I'm hoping hoping that when I hear over and over that every pregnancy is different that this will be my worst. Even if it's not, I'll still do it again. I want to be a mommy to more than one baby. It is but a moment - an uncomfortable painful long moment, but does go away eventually. I am so glad this little girl is healthy and will stay in for a bit longer. My goal is to get her to at least 36 weeks. The last of the important developing is happening right now for the next 3 weeks. Brain and lung and digesting development. I really just want to be able to take her home - no NICU baby. But I will say, if I have this GD thing I'm terrified of a huge baby. But if I have to have a C section, I guess it doesn't matter. We will just have to see how things play out. I'm just glad they are waiting to play out :)

Also - I want to mention my mood. For the last few weeks it's like I've been in this dark tunnel. I've not been able to feel like myself or be myself. All of this crying and moping is NOT me. I know a lot of you have never met me in person, but I am such a happy person. I love to laugh and make people laugh and be happy and spunky. What other way is there to live? I love life and it's worth it to me to be an optimist and make an effort to enjoy it. But the last few weeks have been so hard. It's like I cannot be myself. I was sad, depressed, would cry all the time and I think it took it's toll on Jaren and definitely myself. I would just sit there and say "I want to be happy.... Why can't I be happy?" It was something I've not really experienced before. I can normally control my mood pretty well.... but it was no use with this. I felt stuck and just sad. But something happened at my Doctors appointment Monday. I left SO incredibly happy. Laughing and singing and I think the possibility of a preterm baby and all the pain was really weighing me down. And to have answers and a solution was amazing. The sad thing was I noticed a visible difference in my husband. He was smiling and laughing and very affectionate (which he always is), but this was different. A weight had been lifted off of his shoulders as well and I'm afraid the whole of it wasn't just the fear of a preterm baby, but it was his wife's emotional state. It is a horrible feeling when I think I caused him turmoil and made his life a bit less bright because I couldn't handle myself. I'm so glad I'm out of that funk that lasted way too long. I don't expect to be free and clear - since I still have the insane hormones running through me, but I hope that the depression has been lifted. It's been since Monday and I'm still rather happy, so I hope it's to stay. One of the reasons Jaren married me, in his words, is because I'm, "bubbly, effervescent, fun and happy" and cute. :) We are both looking forward to having all of that back after the pregnancy is over. Because I would regularly jump and wrestle him to the ground - then he'd use man strength (which is cheating) and overpower. We miss that. I can't hardly move - hah. I'm so glad it makes him laugh on a regular basis how huge I am and how ridiculous it is that I can't pick up something I've dropped if I'm sitting. How it's such a struggle to get off the couch or out of bed. Bless his heart for the sense of humor. And he tugs at my growing double chin/waddle and pinches the fat on my face and just smiles. I love him for acknowledging it and laughing and agreeing it's there. Because it's getting rather funny(and sad) at how I am moving further and further from what I used to look like. He is wonderful and makes all of this so much easier to bare. He helps and understands my restrictions. Okay... enough. I've been crying this whole paragraph. The whole point was to let everyone know - I'M (mostly) happy me again! Which is WONDERFUL.

33 Weeks
Jaren decided he liked to be creative and so he held the camera at an angle. Which made me laugh as I was trying to hide my waddle.

I was trying to hide the double chin to see if I'd look more like myself - my unpregnant self.
Here is a "normal" picture - and I tried very hard to suck in. :)Thank you for everyone's nice comments on my last post. Your comments are greatly appreciated. I know these posts are long, but I find it helps to get it all out and I know I'm going to be glad I was this detailed later on.

Friday, September 11, 2009

32.4 Weeks: Better, But With Complications

8 Months:

Alright, I've been so go go go that I haven't had a chance to just sit down and write my 32 week post. And this time I'm going to get it all in one and not try to write like the last 4 days haven't happened. Because they were quite eventful.

First, I had two huge all day shopping trips last week to get me stocked up. I got baby gifts for friends, two of everything: downy, laundry detergent, dish detergent, TP, Paper Towels, massive huge boxes of diapers and wipes (thank you Sams - even though I wish you were a Costco), lots and lots of peanut butter b/c Jaren eats that by the massive spoonful daily. It was very hard to do, because the second I started even in the first store I was hurting. I've never walked so slow in my life. I leaned on the carts and just slowly made my way through each store. I wanted to go home, but I wanted the stuff done more - if I didn't do it right then it would drive me crazy and it wouldn't have gotten done till after the kid was born. Which isn't what I wanted/needed. I cleaned and organized my huge messy closet. I found thank you's for our wedding that hadn't been sent out! Is 2 1/2 years too long for those?? I feel so bad. I hope they didn't notice....

After a while, I was gone so much that the house was getting messy and messy and I didn't have the time to clean it. I was feeling very overwhelmed one day and was, of course, crying and trying to explain it to Jaren, "I feel like I'm in a small room with wall to wall cabinets and each drawer is open with papers everywhere that need filed and put away. I don't know where to start." He got right up, picked up the front room, grabbed the vaccuum and vacuumed and then did the dishes and told me, "There's one less drawer for you to worry about" Of course I have the emotional capacity of a 3 year old and so I cried. I'm so grateful for him. Have I ever mentioned that I love him? Cause I do, quite a bit. I'll keep him.

Why it was better: besides getting things done, Jaren finally let me order my crib bedding which I have had picked out since I was 18 weeks. There are quite a few other things that got done. I found my dream crib, only for it to only be available online. The closest place I could get it was Boise end of October and if you do the math, that wont quite work considering I should be about having her or have already had her.. which is likely to happen considering recent events. While I was shopping I went to Down East home and found a crib I also loved, for 200 dollars less than it's original price, which put it at the same price as my dream online crib. But I had to pay for it in order to make sure I got it ASAP. Jaren is against online shopping now since his credit card number was stolen. So, the pull for the second crib was rather high - not to mention it would be here in 2 weeks. And I want my nursery set up very badly! I was stressing quite a bit over this and then I went to Babies R Us (online, since the closest is Boise) to look at changing tables (b/c my nursery is too small for a regular dresser - a stress in and of itself). When on the homepage was this crib that looked almost identical to my dream one, just a little bit more simple. I ended up buying that and got 30% off and so ended up paying 200 bucks less than the dream one. And Jaren is picking it up today! I'm so excited. My bedding came last night - it's even more beautiful in person and it has made me so extremely happy. Especially since I've been in a bit of a state of worry.

Complications: I went to the doctor last Friday, a week ago. I finally had questions and concerns. Everytime I've ever gone in I've known exactly what was going on myself and didn't need to ask questions. Or I was doing just fine. I wish I had control of my emotions. I started in on the pain and started to cry. And I am SO SO grateful for such a wonderful doctor. I really didn't want to hear what everyone else has been telling me. "Your pregnant" "your in your third trimester" "it will all be worth it(OF COURSE)" "It will all be over soon(yeah, but that doesn't help me now, does it?!)" I just don't like it when people try to brush my concerns and worries aside. So, I don't like to talk about it with many people. But he just looked at me with concern and worry and said, "I wish I could take all the pain away, I'm sorry" I was already crying. Then he asked me more questions and when I told him about the PSD and not being able to sleep he prescribed me a muscle relaxer. Holy cow it knocks me out. B/c the PSD is ligaments and not muscle it still hurts when I move, but I can now sleep! When I told him about all of the cramping he was concerned, but since none of the other signs of pre term labor are there he just told me to take it easy. I asked if all of the contracting would cause dilation and he said yes, but they can't check me now becuase I'm not far along enough yet. Checking can cause dilation and labor so they want to wait as long as they can. He said we just need to get me to 36 weeks and then whatever happens, happens.

We talked about my Breech baby. I had been sleeping on my left side (she is shoved up against my right side and wont go beyond the center of my belly to my left - it's an empty cavern over there!) for a month and she still wont budge. Oh, she'll move further over to my right side, it's so weird, I'll feel her head at my waist. But she's mostly nestled uncomfortably up into my ribs with her head - completely verticle. I asked if her umbilicle cord is 3 inches long (joking) or if she has an abnormal attatchment. He said I might have an abnormal shaped uterus. Which kind of made me laugh. Since I was able to get pregnant I'm not worried about that. He tried to push her over and she wouldn't budge. So, since she has been in the same spot my entire pregnancy and doesn't seem to have any desire to explore any other part of her home we are a bit concerned. He said he's worried she's settled her bum into my pelvis and is too comfortable. So, I'm still on schedule for them to try to turn her if she doesn't flip. And if they can't turn her - a C section. Still not at all what I want, but I am not as scared since finding out they don't slice through my stomach muscles (my rectus abdominus, to be exact). So, we'll see.... I just have daily talks with her and pray constantly that she will flip on her own.

I also found out I am boarderline Gestational Diabetic. "Did they call you about your sugar results?" me: "no?" doc: "They didn't?! Your boarderline, you need to lay off the sweets and drink lots of water." That would have been nice to know A MONTH AGO!!! I've eaten a lot of junk in the last 2 weeks with the traveling and baby shower food. I'm annoyed they didn't call me. I assumed since they didn't call I was fine. Teaches me to never assume. So I'm laying off the sweets and am eating a lot more fruits and veggie's and I already drink TONS of water. Oh, good thing? It explains some of my out of control weight gain. So glad to know it's not all my fault. Because I've just barely tipped over the "healthy" spectrum for my BMI class. I've long ago gone over the healthy limit I had set for myself.

Brings me to what happened yesterday: Might be TMI for some, but I'm assuming most have gone through this being mommies or aren't phased b/c they are women. Here goes. Woke up at 2 a.m. and felt a trickle of watery discharge. Woke me right up and I went and checked, no blood, so I laid back down and sat there waiting to feel more or to start cramping. I was up for 40-60 minutes having all the horrors run through my mind of having a preemie 32 week old baby. I didn't start to cramp and I eventually fell back asleep. I woke up and felt the wateryishness again. Again, no blood, and I couldn't tell what it was. Although, I was sure it wasn't pee. I take pride in the fact that the last time I peed myself was in 1st grade. It was feeling it again when I woke up that started to worry me. I went online and looked up "watery discharge in late pregnancy" and up came this thing where a doctor was telling someone that they can do a paper strip test and see if it's amniotic fluid or not. I decided this was a time to call the doctor because, "what if" was too big this time. Only problem? My doctor decided to go on vacation this week - he is ALWAYS there - except this week! So I went to their nurse practitioner. She walked in with the heart beat thinger and I told her I wasn't there for a check up. So she listened as I explained. She had me lay down and she checked her heart beat and asked about why she is a big lump on just my right side. "Because she's stubborn." She told me she thought maybe I had a bladder infection because those cause all sorts of cramps. I was pretty sure I didn't have one - never have in my life, but I peed in the cup anyway. Meanwhile she did the paper strip test and thank heavens it came out negative for both pee and amniotic fluid. My pee test also came out negative. So, all these cramps are coming on their own and the watery discharge is just weird. She said if the cramping persists and worsens and if the leakyness continues to come in next week and they might check me for dilation so that if they need to they can stop it and put me on steroids. She told me I am on bedrest or, as she put it, "we're going to put you down." I felt like a dog being brought to the gas chamber. Or, at least what a dog who knew what was going on would feel like. Minimal walking, sit, pick up a hobby she say's, read a book, knit a sweater.

So, here I am sitting. I'll probably have time now to catch up on blogs. I'm sewing onsies and I made my daughter a beautiful dress with the instruction and help of my aunt. I'm so proud of myself. I'll take pictures and post them either today or tomorrow. I'm working on thank you's for baby gifts and watching DVR'd TV. Or my Buffy episodes. I'm on season 4! Did I mention I bought a sewing machine with my birthday money? Very excited. And if it weren't for my aunt I'd be sitting trying to decipher the instruction manual. Thank you, Aunt Lori.

I really want to do laundry. Only problem is it's up and down stairs. I think I might, though. I only have like 2 loads and I'm hardly on my feet for long. Only problem is as I'm sitting here, I'm cramping. Used to be that I could sit down and not have any pain. Not anymore, that changed a few days ago. And as of yesterday I've been having back cramps. Feels like I'm on my period again. I just wish I knew what was going on with my body. I wish I knew if I was dilating, if I am in a very long course of labor, or if my uterus just hurts and there's nothing else going on other than that. I also just wish I had a normal pregnancy. I just take comfort in the fact that I hear every pregnancy is different. So, hopefully the next will be a bit easier.

Super long. I know. But there's all sorts of crazy happening now. I'm going to see if I can make it to next tuesday for my 34 week appointment. If not, I'll be going in this next week. My mom is coming and helping with everything. I'm so glad. She will keep me company and take care of me. I don't like watching people do my housework. I don't mind doing it with them, but just sitting doing nothing drives me crazy. So we'll see how we do. I'll have pictures of my nursery! It should all be set up.

I'm mostly sad that this weekend I can't go on a mini vaycay for a night. Jaren and I were going to get the rest of the baby stuff we needed and now he doesn't want me to go for fear we will be hours away from home if something happens. I tried to explain that there is no difference sitting in a car and sitting on a couch. I understand, though. Even though I'm rather bummed. It was going to be my last little trip before parking it for good till she came. I have lots of time to sit and wallow about it all, that's for sure.

Despite how scared I get at times when the cramping get's bad I'm feeling calm about everything. I know everything will be fine with both her and I. I just don't know how. I don't know if she's coming early, or how early, or how she will come (C section or vaginal birth). But I know that either way we will be okay and she will be healthy. She is still moving a lot, which is comforting. I only hope I can make it to at least 36 weeks.

I'll post a picture with the pictures of dresses and stuff I've been working on. This post is without. It's just a long wordy post.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

31 Weeks: Downs and Downs and some Ups

I waited too long for this post. It's 5:00 a.m. on Saturday morning and I cannot sleep. I've laid in bed for an hour feeling nauseous, hot and completely awake. I'm going to try to write this as if it's last Tuesday.

The last week has been full of stress, emotions and lots of cramping.
I officially cannot walk anymore. It causes too much pain and I cramp the entire time and the longer I go, the worse I cramp. Not to mention that the rest of the day every time I move, stand, try to bend over or take a step I have horrible PSD pain. It's the worst when I'm sleeping - I cannot move - at all. I feel like when I try to explain how it feels all I'm doing is wining and
being a pansy. The pain is very real and I know not very normal for pregnancy. I handle pain pretty well and this is getting hard. It get's worse every day and now it doesn't matter what I've been doing that day; every time I stand it shoots pain, every time I take a step - pain. There isn't anything I can do and it's very disheartening. I take Tylenol, but not always because I really really don't want to be popping pills all day long - even if it is just Tylenol. And the thought of how much longer I have to deal with this brings me to tears. Don't get me wrong, I am still happy I'm pregnant, still so excited about this baby and never one second do I ever regret getting pregnant. I just thought my body would handle it better and now the one thing I felt like I could control and made me feel better about everything and put me in a good mood through the day - I can't do. I can't exercise and it's wearing on me. I'm really trying very hard to focus on everything good and be both inward and outwardly happy. Even when I'm in tears I'm still content with where my life is. I just hope that this isn't how every pregnancy will go, because I'm not sure how well I can chase a toddler around with all of the pain.

I cramp every time I stand. Cramp when I walk more than a few yards. I now have to walk at a snails pace everywhere I go or I'm in pain. Jaren keeps trying to get me to call the doctor every time, but I know it's all Braxton Hicks no matter how painful. It's all irregular, I'll sit down and it will go away, it's only in front and my girl is still squirmy and moves A LOT. So, the signs of pre-term labor aren't there. And I really don't want to call with a question then have to come in. (Jumping forward to 5:30 a.m. today I had a doc appointment yesterday and talked to him about it and if things get worse and more intense, then I go in) So, despite the pain and uncomfortableness everything is ok for now.

Enough about the pain, onto the emotions. OUT. OF. CONTROL. Seriously. I think the stress of my shower; both Celeste (Jaren's best friends wife who threw my shower) and I put in A LOT of work. I worried that no one would show and those who were most important showed. But some did not. I didn't realize it would effect me so much. I took it personally and struggled with trying to move on. The next day during church I started to have menstrual like cramps that I haven't felt this pregnancy at all. It was constant and uncomfortable and lasted 10-15 minutes. I started to cry and when Jaren asked what was wrong I started to lose it. I was so embarrassed, I felt like everyone could see me fighting sobs - and quite a few did. I made it through a beautiful strings solo and then grabbed the keys, booked it for the door and barely made it out the first set of doors outside before starting the hyperventilating sobs. I don't remember crying like that since I first found out I wasn't pregnant in January. It got worse when I got in the car. And I couldn't stop it! Not at all. I tried because I felt like I shouldn't be crying like that. Jaren came out and we both laughed - me through sobs and tears and him through concern at how ridiculous it was that I couldn't hold it together even a little. I tried to get it under control, but every few minutes I'd start sobbing again. So, he took me home and laid me down for a nap and just stayed and talked to me. Made me laugh and calmed me down. I am forever so grateful to him for how he handles my stress.

My shower turned out great, it was beautiful and I had way too much candy, cupcakes and mini sandwiches left over. We played some fun games that I enjoyed a lot and I got a lot of great gifts. Lots of clothes. People were very generous and thoughtful. I went home and pulled everything out again and just looked and handled, imagining her in all her clothes. I am very grateful. When Lindsey wasn't taking pictures of the very cute babies she got some of me - I might post some.

I made a list of everything I still needed and felt very overwhelmed. I think that added to my emotional issues. Baby bills just keep adding up. I've yet to find someone that has spent/will spend as much on a birth with insurance as we will/are. So, those thousands and thousands combined with everything baby we have to buy has worn on me more than it has Jaren. Which is surprising. But for some reason I feel responsible :) Even though I know I'm not. Not to mention my house. I feel like I have so much to do! Cleaning, organizing, getting ready, stocking up and even though I know I have lots of time I don't know where to start. So, the next week (currently in) will mark quite a bit of getting started.

All in all this last week has been very overwhelming emotionally and physically. I'm hoping that was my low and so it will steadily get better - emotionally at least. And so far - today being Saturday - it has.

I debated writing this post so gloomy but I want to keep this up and even though it wasn't a wonderful week it was my 30th week of pregnancy and it needs to be recorded. Pregnancy is full of up's and down's and this just happened to be a down week. I have full confidence that when my little girl reads this someday she wont take it personally. How could she? This has nothing to do with her personally, just the way my body and emotions are handling pregnancy. And I hope she reads this and when she goes through the exact same thing she knows she is not alone and her mommy went through it as well. It's normal and I can empathize and relate. I would have loved something like this from my mom. Even all the negatives. Because it's her and part of her life and she went through it for me - I would feel very special and loved (I already do, Mom, without the journal :)

Speaking of this little/big 3 pound squirmer I've never felt so in love. I have just been watching my belly every night for hours and she has been moving so much. I see her legs and feet moving and now she turns her head side to side and that is a lot of fun to watch as well. She is still Breech and is getting bigger so her head is even bigger under my ribs and she will push herself up (I think to give her legs more room to kick) into my ribs. It really hurts and I have to lean back and to my left side to give her and myself some room. It's so weird, my left side doesn't bother me a bit. But because she is still shoved as far over on my right side as possible and is completely verticle; those ligaments and that side of my rib cage are getting the brunt of the effects. I'm starting to wonder if she has a 4 inch umbilicle cord. But I love her and spend my time wondering what she will look like, be like, how she will come, when she will come and what type of baby she'll be. I just sit and stare at her clothes and the things she does have and I am so excited. Jaren and I talk about it and we are very ready to start our family - she is very very wanted. He makes me so happy with how often he tells me he thought about what he will say when she's 16 or when she brings home a boy or when she cries about wanting something. He usually says he's going to give her whatever she wants, "just like her mother" (can you see my eyes rolling??:) I couldn't be happier with how he is showing me he is excited and how when I even start to move to stand he comes over and helps. How he is constantly worrying and making sure I'm fine. How even though he is incredibly busy he still will let me vent and cry and talk his ear off about things like a crib and our nursery and things we need. He has a lot of stress from work and is exhausted when he comes home and lets me exhaust him further with my petty worries. Because they aren't petty to me he makes such a great effort. I know those things don't matter to him, they are more the mommies worries, but he lets me make him a part of it. I love him and every day, every second my right-for-me choice in a spouse is confirmed. He's perfect for me and I am so excited to give him his little girl.

Ending on a good tearful note! These pregnancy hormones are seriously insane.

31 Weeks:
I thought one cake mix box would make 2 dozen mini cupcakes and oh, how how wrong I was. They make 4 dozen. I made 2 boxes and had eight dozen and it was so many!! So I thought it appropriate to take this picture with one. Even though it's hilarious to see a picture of a pregnant lady who has packed on the pounds posing with a cupcake. Anyone else think it's funny? :)
Baby Shower:
Tasty food - we have had mini sandwiches for days and they are so yummy!

Happy mommies (who have lost all their baby weight and look amazing, so they give me hope)Jessica with her super cute 3 1/2 month old. I got her that onsie :D

An amazing quilt my Sister in Law, Brittney made me - it's beautiful.

Lindsey being the good present fairy
A super cute hooded towel from my Mother in Law (she spoiled me). This is as good of a picture as we're gonna get of myself.
And, of course, the cute babies.
This is Kenzie, my Sister in Law's Sister's baby. (follow?)
We all know this handsome stud. My nephew, Conner.
I would have posted more pictures of everyone who was there, but Lindsey seemed to catch most people at the wrong moment. Thank me later.
A few more things:
  • I now go get 12 dollar spa pedicures at a beauty school. The last time I painted my own nails was the end of July.
  • I also am now showering in our extra bathroom because it's a tub shower, ours in our bedroom bathroom is a standing and I can't bend over in it. It's so sad it's funny.
  • Also can't put socks and shoes on. It's pathetic. Thank heavens for flip flop weather.