****written Tuesday, the 28th*****
I'm not sure why, but this week I have had more emotional days than normal. Things making me sad or cry a lot more and I really really don't like it. I've been easily overwhelmed and can't handle it very well. Jaren has been so wonderfully patient and let's me throw my fits and whine and he listens and is there to hug me when I'm finished being difficult. He never fails to make me feel better. Even when I was frustrated with him Saturday for not helping me clean when I asked him to (so it didn't get done) - he waited for me to finish my rant and then came and gave me a hug and I felt better.
This particular funk started last night. I fell asleep on the couch while he was gone changing water up on the hill (20 minutes away). It was a fitful hour and when he came home and I woke up I had a massive head ache. And I was cranky because of it. He helped me to bed and I didn't do my nightly routine so I woke up with my feathers ruffled. Then I was rushed and was almost late to my doc appointment and then there was a girl in the waiting room that they made wear a mask - I've never seen someone with a cold or flu have to wear a mask. Swine flu? There have been a few cases in Rexburg in the last few weeks. So we sat on the other side of the waiting room.
I was doing ok until they weighed me. And why didn't they take my blood pressure BEFORE they weighed me?! I was trying so hard not to cry that my blood pressure was high agian. Not as high as last visit, but still higher than what is normal. So, I go into the room with Jaren and am fighting tears. I've gained 6 pounds in 4 weeks - I'm at a total I didn't want to be at till I had a month left and even then, I would be happy if that was my overall total. I'm feeling huge and fat and I couldn't fit into a pair of shorts that were HUGE on me before a few days previous so that was still depressing. So Jaren made me laugh by demonstrating the proper way to cough in your shoulder. And it looked more like a dance move than anything else. I love him for it, becuase I stopped crying before the doctor came in.
He gave me the glucose drink for our next visit, then when I told him how much I've gained he said he wanted me in in 2 weeks. I'm thinking he would have wanted me in two weeks anyway, but the fact that he said it after I gave him the weighted total was my first pinch of worry. He said it's wonderful that she is so active - I asked if she is supposed to be sleeping ever, because it seems like she never does. He said she's just sleeping when I am - hope she keeps this schedule!
Then came the ultrasound, I was excited, but the pre existing funk combined with the new one for the weight gain took away some of my excitment. I was most excited to find out how she was positioned because of her kicks. Turns out she is shoved up against my right side - which I could obviously tell beforhand; and she is completely verticle. She is breach, has her face hidden by placenta, feet, hands, arms and umbilicle cord. I want to see her face!!! The head up thing started a discussion on what if she doesn't flip. Which lead into talk about c-section, which led me to freak out a little inside. Which led me to cry after we left because that terrifies me. But in 2 weeks we are going back to check on her progress. We have 3 months for her to flip on her own and if she doesn't we will try everything else before we jump on the cutting bandwagon. It's just a scary thought. Jaren drove me around and let me cry and made me feel better for about half an hour afterwards.
So the rest of today has not gotten a lot better. I'm so emotional - I really really don't like it. And I still have a massive headache. I got tons of ultrasound pictures and saw her moving around - that was wonderful. She has super cute thick thighs - doc said she was very musclar. I call her shapely :) And she is healthy. She is so squirmy and she gave us a thumbs up - Jaren said she was letting me know everything was fine. I'll let myself think that. Yes, she is still a she. But when I go back in in 2 weeks he is doing another ultrasound. I know your not supposed to have a ton during pregnancy, but he is obviously not worried, so I'm not either. He wants to check on her progress and see if we can see her face this time. We want her to start to turn. He tried to move her - oh, the pain. That hurt VERY badly. It was the worst when he hit my linea alba (the ligaments that divides your 6 pack). It's already stretching so pushing on it.... I didn't yelp, scream or cry(then), I was tough. :) But I'm hoping she turns on her own so I don't have to experience that again if he has to try to turn her. Because I'm sure that would be worse.
Besides today this last week has been good. I felt her have hiccups while we were in Yellowstone Thursday night. At least I'm sure that's what I felt. It was a faint little pop that was constant for about 10 minutes. Perfect rhythm. So I figurd that was what was going on.
I've been exercising a ton still and trying to eat healthy. I don't deprive myself of something sweet if I want it. This is why the weight gain is so hard to take. I'm trying. And it's not working. And it's not all baby. I asked my doc how much of it was not baby and he said 10 pounds. hahahaha (that's me laughing hysterically). I'm thinking I'm retaining a lot of fluid. But the thought of even 8 pounds of fat distribtued everywhere (which would explain why my body looks the way it does - and I am not talking about the belly - that's fine getting bigger! Supposed to!) really does wonders for my self esteem. And I'm not fitting into clothes - so I don't feel cute, which leads to me feeling even worse. What makes me feel better? When someone confirms the weight gain(that I oviously look different), but tells me I don't look fat. Great! That's what I see, too! Sure, I call it fat, but what else am I supposed to call it? Extra lipids around my thighs, butt, face and arms? What doesn't help is when someone tells me I look the same as before, but with a belly. I do not look the same! My thighs are bigger! My face is fatter! My arms have lost their muscle tone! And I know it will all come off - it's just hard right now. So I like to vent and I don't need something that honestly bothers me to be pushed aside by those who I am confiding in. Can you tell it's happened? It helps me to joke and talk about it. It's how I deal. But I am still so happy to be pregnant and apparently my body just thinks it needs to gain this much - so it's fine. It's just hard. As I'm sure it is for every other pregnant women who is losing their pre pregnancy thin shape(that I couldn't see as thin then, but I do now).
I can't wait to meet her. I want to see what she will look like - who she will look like. I want to get to know her temperment and her personality. I'm so in love with this little itty bitty 1.75 pound baby that I cannot belive is mine. That she has my DNA. It's amazing. I'm so ready to be a mommy.
Long post - but I feel better.
I really wasn't in the mood for a picture yesterday (Tuesday) so we took one today. I woke up feeling much better about everything. I realized the weight came from extra blood and water from the constant exercising and the fact that my belly has doubled in size since 22 weeks. I have time, she has time to flip. Everything is good. :)