I Didn't Realize.....

The effect my emotions were having on Jaren.  Or even the extent. 

Since I was pregnant with Naomi I became much more testy, emotional and I took everything personal.  Since I've had Naomi it's been worse.

I cry a lot.  If the house is a mess I feel like it's my fault and I feel like a failure at a housewife.  Jaren says, "have you balanced your check book?"  and I get on the defense, "I haven't had time!"  When really, I could have made time.  But then I feel like a failure and I feel bad, then worse, then I cry. 

Because Jaren is just asking a totally innocent question and I respond in a defensive tone, then cry.  It puts him in a down mood, too.  I think the real wake up call came yesterday.

I had a root canal a week ago.  Yesterday I went in to get my tooth prepped for a crown.  Jaren called after wards and asked how much it was.  I told him and he repeated it, and then complained about it for about 5 seconds.  In those 5 seconds I started crying, almost hysterically.  I was emotionally and physically taxed for one thing.  I didn't expect to have so much drilling done.  And then my tooth ground to a tiny nub, part of my bone scraped away and my gums cut back.  I felt it with my tongue.  It was a bit traumatizing to feel my tooth pretty much gone.  And it hurts... 

Anyway, I had to get off the phone.  Even after I got off the phone I was holding myself together by a thread.  I went to the grocery store to get some carrots for dinner.  On the way home I called my Mother in Law to check on Naomi.  I was starting to cry just talking to her!  It's embarrassing.  Then, I get home and I cry a bit.  I have this horrible sinking heavy feeling in my chest.  And I go about my business.  Making dinner and trying to get over this giant hump.  Jaren came home and after a few minutes, sat down put his hands up in the "don't hurt me" pose and said, "This is just a conversation.  I just want to talk about this"  And he asks about the bill.  Wants it broken down.  All the sudden I realized that it's about 1,400 dollars more than what we were quoted.  How did I not notice that?  Why wasn't I able to be able to just TALK about it with him on the phone in the first place?  Why did I take it personally and get defensive?  It's not my fault I had to get a root canal.  The tooth was DEAD!  Worse than we thought.  Starting to calcify.  Apparently this has been happening for years and I didn't notice.  Started when the tooth was wrongly filled in the first place over 3 years ago, then had to be re-done a few months later. 

Anyway.  I felt bad that I didn't notice that.  That I automatically started to blubber like an idiot and didn't give Jaren a chance to explain on the phone.  This morning it was the same thing.  We were taking Nae in for her 12 month check up and shots.  He took her out and got her buckled in the car while I was putting my shoes on.  I went back, got my ring and another blanket for Naomi and on my way back to the door I hear, "WHIT!!!"  And then stomp stomp stomp, Jaren opens the door from the garage and I say, "What?!  I'm coming, you didn't have to yell."  "I didn't yell..."  "Yes you did, and you stomped up the stairs."  "I just walked up the stairs..."  It took him 10 minutes to get over the bad mood from that tiny encounter.

Before we went into the office we talked about it.  About how I'm always on the defense.  I asked him if he saw a pattern.  (Thinking maybe it's just PMS, so it may happen for 2 weeks or so out of the month).  He said no, it's pretty much constantly sporadic since I was pregnant.  I explained the heavy chest and really sad mood that I can't kick for hours after one of my melt downs.  He mentioned Postpartum Depression. 

I am (normally) one of the happiest people you'd ever meet.  I'm carefree.  I even think I'm kind of funny.   I don't usually take everything personally.  I never ever ever ever thought I would have any sort of chemical crazy imbalance.  My chemicals are just happy with life!  I still am.  I'm still normally happy.  I just don't know how to get past this heavy sadness that comes so often lately. 

I talked to my doctor about it today.  He said first thing is to stop blaming myself for everything.  Ok.... but isn't it all my fault?  Aren't I the governer of my time in a day?  If I don't get the house clean or pictures edited or read my daughter 15 books?  If I take a nap, read a book myself or spend 20 minutes on facebook?  So, if I spend all day editing, and the laundry doesn't get folded, the bathrooms don't get clean, my bedroom is still a mess - isn't that my fault?  I'm being serious.  Isn't it? 

He said if after being conscious of it (and I always have been.  I'll be crying and say out loud, really, this is ridiculous, I know it's fixable and not my fault... but I can't help this sad feeling) and trying to work on it.  Jaren being my wonderful understanding patient husband that he is who will help.  If it starts to affect my ability to mother.  Which, thankfully, I am still happy with my daughter.  I don't get mad and yell.  I never yell.  I don't leave her crying and walk out of the room.  I get frustrated at times and I take a deep breath, remember that she is 12 months old and then I deal.  I wrestle with her on the floor and sing and dance and make her laugh.  She is such a bright light in my life.  Anyway, if it get's worse - then we might do something about it. 

I don't want pills.  I don't want to be diagnosed.  I don't want this to be real.  In my mind this isn't me.  I am having hormone overload.  Maybe I do have a touch of PPD?  I don't know.  I just want to be back to my super happy self.   I'm going to start running again.  As soon as the basement is finished (the post on that is coming tomorrow).  I think that will help a ton.  I'm spending this week finishing up the sessions I am working on and so I'll be free to write, clean, craft, decorate, run - whatever. 

It will go away, right?