I Didn't Realize.....

The effect my emotions were having on Jaren.  Or even the extent. 

Since I was pregnant with Naomi I became much more testy, emotional and I took everything personal.  Since I've had Naomi it's been worse.

I cry a lot.  If the house is a mess I feel like it's my fault and I feel like a failure at a housewife.  Jaren says, "have you balanced your check book?"  and I get on the defense, "I haven't had time!"  When really, I could have made time.  But then I feel like a failure and I feel bad, then worse, then I cry. 

Because Jaren is just asking a totally innocent question and I respond in a defensive tone, then cry.  It puts him in a down mood, too.  I think the real wake up call came yesterday.

I had a root canal a week ago.  Yesterday I went in to get my tooth prepped for a crown.  Jaren called after wards and asked how much it was.  I told him and he repeated it, and then complained about it for about 5 seconds.  In those 5 seconds I started crying, almost hysterically.  I was emotionally and physically taxed for one thing.  I didn't expect to have so much drilling done.  And then my tooth ground to a tiny nub, part of my bone scraped away and my gums cut back.  I felt it with my tongue.  It was a bit traumatizing to feel my tooth pretty much gone.  And it hurts... 

Anyway, I had to get off the phone.  Even after I got off the phone I was holding myself together by a thread.  I went to the grocery store to get some carrots for dinner.  On the way home I called my Mother in Law to check on Naomi.  I was starting to cry just talking to her!  It's embarrassing.  Then, I get home and I cry a bit.  I have this horrible sinking heavy feeling in my chest.  And I go about my business.  Making dinner and trying to get over this giant hump.  Jaren came home and after a few minutes, sat down put his hands up in the "don't hurt me" pose and said, "This is just a conversation.  I just want to talk about this"  And he asks about the bill.  Wants it broken down.  All the sudden I realized that it's about 1,400 dollars more than what we were quoted.  How did I not notice that?  Why wasn't I able to be able to just TALK about it with him on the phone in the first place?  Why did I take it personally and get defensive?  It's not my fault I had to get a root canal.  The tooth was DEAD!  Worse than we thought.  Starting to calcify.  Apparently this has been happening for years and I didn't notice.  Started when the tooth was wrongly filled in the first place over 3 years ago, then had to be re-done a few months later. 

Anyway.  I felt bad that I didn't notice that.  That I automatically started to blubber like an idiot and didn't give Jaren a chance to explain on the phone.  This morning it was the same thing.  We were taking Nae in for her 12 month check up and shots.  He took her out and got her buckled in the car while I was putting my shoes on.  I went back, got my ring and another blanket for Naomi and on my way back to the door I hear, "WHIT!!!"  And then stomp stomp stomp, Jaren opens the door from the garage and I say, "What?!  I'm coming, you didn't have to yell."  "I didn't yell..."  "Yes you did, and you stomped up the stairs."  "I just walked up the stairs..."  It took him 10 minutes to get over the bad mood from that tiny encounter.

Before we went into the office we talked about it.  About how I'm always on the defense.  I asked him if he saw a pattern.  (Thinking maybe it's just PMS, so it may happen for 2 weeks or so out of the month).  He said no, it's pretty much constantly sporadic since I was pregnant.  I explained the heavy chest and really sad mood that I can't kick for hours after one of my melt downs.  He mentioned Postpartum Depression. 

I am (normally) one of the happiest people you'd ever meet.  I'm carefree.  I even think I'm kind of funny.   I don't usually take everything personally.  I never ever ever ever thought I would have any sort of chemical crazy imbalance.  My chemicals are just happy with life!  I still am.  I'm still normally happy.  I just don't know how to get past this heavy sadness that comes so often lately. 

I talked to my doctor about it today.  He said first thing is to stop blaming myself for everything.  Ok.... but isn't it all my fault?  Aren't I the governer of my time in a day?  If I don't get the house clean or pictures edited or read my daughter 15 books?  If I take a nap, read a book myself or spend 20 minutes on facebook?  So, if I spend all day editing, and the laundry doesn't get folded, the bathrooms don't get clean, my bedroom is still a mess - isn't that my fault?  I'm being serious.  Isn't it? 

He said if after being conscious of it (and I always have been.  I'll be crying and say out loud, really, this is ridiculous, I know it's fixable and not my fault... but I can't help this sad feeling) and trying to work on it.  Jaren being my wonderful understanding patient husband that he is who will help.  If it starts to affect my ability to mother.  Which, thankfully, I am still happy with my daughter.  I don't get mad and yell.  I never yell.  I don't leave her crying and walk out of the room.  I get frustrated at times and I take a deep breath, remember that she is 12 months old and then I deal.  I wrestle with her on the floor and sing and dance and make her laugh.  She is such a bright light in my life.  Anyway, if it get's worse - then we might do something about it. 

I don't want pills.  I don't want to be diagnosed.  I don't want this to be real.  In my mind this isn't me.  I am having hormone overload.  Maybe I do have a touch of PPD?  I don't know.  I just want to be back to my super happy self.   I'm going to start running again.  As soon as the basement is finished (the post on that is coming tomorrow).  I think that will help a ton.  I'm spending this week finishing up the sessions I am working on and so I'll be free to write, clean, craft, decorate, run - whatever. 

It will go away, right? 

Never Again - Christmas Travel

I am in Washington with my family for Christmas. It's so nice to be with everyone (except Kevin and Lena and Isak, and fetus that has put mommy on bedrest so they couldn't be here - we all miss you).

Oh, but getting here. Getting here has given both Jaren and I migrains. His worse than mine :)

We got to Idaho Falls to fly out at 1 p.m. early and sat and waited... waited... found out our plane was delayed 20 minutes.

Okay, that's not too bad. We have an hour layover in Salt Lake, now we have a 40 minute one, we'll still make our flight.

So we wait, wait, 1:20 comes and goes, now the flight is delayed till 1:50

I start to panick a little, we might miss our flight. We go check with the lady at the counter and our flight to Tri Cities is delayed 40 minutes.

Few! We'll still make it.

So we wait.. wait... 1:50 comes and the plane barely arrives. It takes 30 minutes to get people out, feuled up, lugage unloaded and loaded, then us loaded. By the time we get into the plane I'm quite worried. I tell Jaren he had better be ready to sprint and cut people off.

We land, we are out after everyone else infront of us which drove me crazy. As soon as we get off the ramp I take off. I was a good 15 feet infront of Jaren, we get to our gate to see that our flight is delayed till 4:30.

Oh! Well... that's okay. Just means Lindsey (my sister) will have to wait in Tri Cities a little longer to pick us up.

At this time it's just after 3:00 p.m. and I'm hungry so we walk up, get $9 sandwiches (ouch) and eat. Then go back downstairs to wait. We are sitting by the smoking room, they were the only two seats available in the entire terminal. We sit, I read, Jaren looks at the screen and the time has changed. Our flight has been delayed, again, till 5:30.

Blah! It's 4:00 right now. Better call Linds and tell her it's off another hour.

So I do. She's okay with it because it gives her more time to shop at the mall there. But there were so many people in that room that it was really starting to smell. And I don't do well with smoke, so we decide to go for a walk. We get up, and walk for a while just around the airport to different terminals. It's 4:50 now and we decide to sit at these chairs just by the stairs that lead down to our terminal. We are sitting infront of a flight schedule screen and are watching. We get up about 10-15 minutes later, so just after 5 to go down to board our plane or see if it's delayed again. We go down the stairs and look at the flight board. Our flight is GONE.

From the 45 seconds it took us to leave the chairs and get downstairs and look at the other flight screen they have taken the flight OFF. So I feel my stomach clench and we run to the gate.

NO ONE is there. Half the room is empty when an hour before it was PACKED. No worker at the gate. But there is one at the gate next to it.

Mind you, I am FREAKING OUT. Seriously panicking. I don't care that there is a line. I ask her, "WHERE IS THAT FLIGHT????" "WHERE IS IT?!" "It was supposed to leave at 5:30!!!!!"

She tells me that she doesn't know, but if I went to the service desk they could tell me. I think I remember mumbling something not so nice to the lady (I mean... she didn't deserve it, but who else was I going to yell at?!)

We run, again, to the service desk. There's a line of about 15-20 people waiting. I could care less. I walk up to the edge, ask the people who were being helped if I can ask this lady a question, they say yes (because I'm sure I looked wild and ferocious). So, I turn on the lady, "Where is flight 4720?!" "It was supposed to leave at 5:30 - no one is there! Is the plane out there? Can they hold it? Can i just run out there and flag it down?"

I really did ask these questions.

She typed in the flight number and said, "No, they flew out at 5:06"

"WHAT?!!!" Panicking, panicking... freaking out. what?! calm down... no... i can't, we missed our flight, WE MISSED OUR FLIGHT!!!!!!!!!!

She makes a phone call and I hear this, "We have another one. No. Look, something went wrong here. No, hey, I'm not pointing fingers but we have a problem."

She tells me that she will help me as soon as she takes care of the people that she was currently helping. I say ok and stand there. Sure, everyone in line looked like, if the air port allowed guns they would pull them out and bust a cap in our heads. I did not care. Not one bit. I was so worked up.

Then, the family that was also being helped next to the ladies that let us in tells us that they are also trying to get to Pasco. They have been in Salt Lake, for two days. And the only flight they can get on is on Christmas day.

Two days. Christmas. Two days. Christmas. No.... no... no no no no NO! We can't leave until CRHISTMAS?!

So, I can't help it. With like, 30 people shooting daggers into us, I start crying. I'm sure everyone thinks I'm being dramatic. but NO. I CANNOT miss this Christmas! Esepecailly the Christmas Eve party at my Grandma's that happens every year. My Grandma is very very sick and I HAVE to be there! So.. I cry and try to stop. But I can't. I think I set off some water works because the girl that was being helped right next to me starts crying and is saying, "My babies, my babies, I need to see my babies!" When 30 seconds ago she was fine. The helper lady splits up the mom and daughter to get the daughter to Arizona tonight. The mom will come on Christmas, she just wants to get her daughter to her babies.

Then the helper lady says, "Okay, I can help you now." So we start to step up to the counter and the guy that was next in line walks up infront of us and the helper lady says, "No, sir, they were waiting." He is MAD. Looks so mad and annoyed and backs up and glares at us. I didn't look.. I didn't look at the line, I knew they all wanted to throw us out to get run over by a plane. Did I care that I cutted? NO. We just got hosed by Delta. I don't care.

She brings up flights. Christmas night is when we can get into Pasco... no.... There's nothing going to Spokane. She asks if we want to split up. One of us could get to Pasco tonight and one of us would have to wait till Christmas. I look at Jaren and there's no way. No way we could be split up. So we say no. I wish that we could just share a seat. I mean the flight is just an hour and 50 minutes, it wouldn't be too bad. Stupid saftey regulations.

Then Jaren asks about Seattle. Seattle was closed the day before but has been taking flights all day now. She says there are two seats to seattle tonight, we would get in at 8:45. I grab my phone, call my mom, tell her that someone needs to get to seattle (3 hours away) to get us. She calls my dad, arrangments are made, and we are on that flight. Unfortunatly the only seats available are first class. Oh man, that's too bad. I guess i'll take those complimentary tickets. That was the only thing I was excited about.

1st class... never been in first class before.... hmmm....... they have big seats. that will be nice.

We take the tickets, go to the gate and sit there and wait for 2 1/2 hours. Neither of us gets more than 20 feet from that gate. We have learned our lesson.

About an hour before our flight was supposed to take off Jaren got nervous and wanted to make sure that the tickets we had were not standby, that they, were in fact, real tickets for real seats - just for us.

He goes to the desk and asks the lady. This is their conversation
Jaren: I just wanted to make sure these are not standby tickets.
Lady: (looks at the tickets) Nope, these are real tickets.
(loos at them a little further)
Lady: wait, your not supposed to have these
Jaren: (with a huge knot in his stomache and blood boiling) Be that as it may, we HAVE them and we are going to Seattle tonight.
Lady: (still looking at the tickets) Sky west was not supposed to do this. They do not have authority to do this. (getting worked up)
Jaren: They did because you guys screwed us
Lady: Hey, a lot of people today here are getting screwed.
Jaren: No, not like this. They had the time our flight was going to leave, then left without announcing it or changing the time on the board. So we missed it.
Lady: (softening up) Oh.... okay. Here you go (hands him the tickets)
Jaren: Thank you.
And then walks away

That was a close call! I know I would have died. DIED if we couldn't have gotten on that flight. I mean, our bags were alrady on their way to Pasco. Lindsey picked them up, thank heavens.

So we get on the plane - it's delayed 30 minutes. It's okay. Were on it, I don't care. Everyone get's on - there are NO open seats. We had to get someone to move to another seat so Jaren and I could sit by each other. She was nice and didn't mind.

Then a couple comes on and says, "these guys are in our seats" Pointing to the first row in first class. The stuardess (sp?) looks at their tickets (which were just little reciepts) and at the peoples tickets who were already sitting there. They have big tickets and the seats, go to them cause they have the more real tickets? I think the reciept people just had standby reciepts. So the girl says, "there are NO seats on this plane???" Looking sad and mad. The stuardess says, no. The girl says, "we have been here since 5 this morning!" and then leaves.

Me? I am so so so sosososososososo grateful to be sitting in those seats. That we still got to where we wanted to be in the same day. We are SO LUCKY.

We fly into Seattle - the view is beautiful. I wish I had my camera, I would take picutres, it was so clear, breath taking. I hoped that I would fly into Seattle sometime again at night and sit on the right side of the plane.

My dad picked us up. We got home at 2 in the morning. I'm exhausted it's 3a.m. my time and I slept horribly the night before. Vicki and Stephanie and Nathan and my mom and dad are all up and gathered around us talking to us and are glad we are there. I still don't care that I cutted in line. Do I feel bad? A little.. but really, we got hosed.

I got 5 hours of sleep last night and I don't care. I'm home. I'm with my family. I get to go to the family party tonight. Jaren and I are together. I am happy and grateful and full of thanks and still feel so so lucky and blessed to have gotten on that flight.

Jaren has an upset stomache from all of the events yesterday - I have a huge headache and I just don't care. I'm home!

I hope everyone has a wonderful day today and tomorrow. Remember why we really celebrate Christmas. Christ is the reason that we can all return home someday. I'm full of thanks and happy feelings.

Merry Christmas!

and if it was any of you or your relatives i cut off in line, sorry. the lady told me to stay :)