Tuesday, November 30, 2010

It Takes Two

And it does. Not just literally, but decidedly too.

To have a kid.

I was ready to get pregnant with Nae the summer of 2008. Jaren was nowhere near that. So I held out for October of 2008. That came and I was told no and had to wait another two months till Jaren felt ready.

And I'm so grateful I did. Having him excited and on board with the pregnancy made it that much easier. He helped with housework when I was feeling ill. He made me food the entire first trimester when I just laid on the couch whining and moaning about how, "I can't move, I'm going to throw up... I need to eat! I can't move!" I never threw up... But I really did feel like it.

And he was ready for her when she came. It was a huge huge adjustment. I babysat and have been around babies and kids my whole life. He has not. I felt totally comfortable with a baby. It took him some adjusting.

I guess I never considered that it would be this process  with each child. I figured the ice has been broken - we have one, now we can have more! Not so simple.

First, there is the issue of "do I want Jaren around?" If I have a baby anytime in between April and Mid October I run the chance of not having him available to help when I really need it. And I know I'd like his help for at least the first 2 1/2 months. Because that's the hardest time I think. Once I get that kid to 3 months I have a schedule built up with regular naps and feeding times and life is predictable. Not necessarily easy, but much more do-able than before. And in reality, I guess The hardest hardest part is the first month and a half where I'm healing from a C-Section and the kid is eating every 2 hours. Nursing for 45 minutes and then needing to eat again an hour later.

So, if I want him around ideally for the first 2-3 months I'd need to have a kid no later than January. And I really don't want to go that deep into winter. So, for me, it's November or December. Since we know I'll have to go 3 weeks early we have to plan for the 37 week due date and not the 40 Week one. Just to be safe.

So, that means the time to start trying again is only a few months away. I can't say I feel ready and Jaren definitely does not feel ready. But I know I want Nae and this kid to be around 2 years apart. So that means I have to either get pregnant this coming spring or wait till the next one. And I don't want them to be 3 years apart. I don't want to wait that long. Jaren seems fine with it.... I'm not.

So we are stuck. And it was starting to be a source of emotion between us. Or, more like a source of emotion for me. Like always. I know it's months away. But that comes fast. And we would have to wrap our mind around it now in order to be ready when that time comes.

I think communication is the most important part of marriage. Or for any relationship. You can get nothing absolutely nothing accomplished if you both don't talk. If you don't talk about your feelings and the why's and how's of it, things get left unsaid and then come back later to bite you in the rear.

Sunday (2 weeks ago) Jaren and I sat down and discussed the why's and how's of it. In the end we came to the conclusion that it's okay if I have a kid in June or July. I have plenty of help available and Nae would be that much older and easier to handle. She would be able to understand me and me her. Which would make the not being able to move because of the C-section or nursing easier when she needed something. I don't mind 2 1/2 years apart or so.

Just the knowledge that I'm not stuck on only 2 months out of the year to have a kid ever takes a huge weight off my shoulder. I know Jaren still wouldn't be as readily available as he would if it were winter. But, I'll take that over the alternative.

And the thing is - we don't know if it will be easy to get pregnant this time. We were so fortunate last time. I don't expect it to be as easy. Apparently when the doctor who did an ultrasound to check out my uteri's found out how easy it was for us to conceive he let me know that I was abnormal. Not just because of my innards, but because women with my "condition" usually don't get pregnant for months to years and a lot of times need help to do so.

I'm prepared for it to take time. Which doesn't play well into my "can have kids" months and "can't have kids" months. In the end, I wont care when if it's going to take time. All I'll care is that it happens.  And having Jaren totally ready is the most important thing.  Talking yesterday made me feel so much more at peace with it.  Free somehow.  Free to choose.  I've always been free to choose, but with my guidelines and wants I really am not as free as I'd like.

After a few weeks has since gone by when I wrote this I feel even more calm about it all.  That in the end when we know it's right for us to have a baby, we will try.  And when he/she comes it will all work out.  Even if it might be hard for the first bit.  I mean, my mom had 3 summer babies and my dad farmed.  If she can do it - I can, too.  


Tiffany Fackrell said...

for sure you can do it!!! also the 2nd C section is 2000 times easier and better then the first. not even kidding you. I have heard that from a lot of people too. so i hope it is true for you as well. my second C section was seriously so so so much better then the first, like i was able to get out of bed by myself with VERY LITTLE pain before i even left the hospital...I thought it was a miracle...so maybe there is a little hope that the recovery won't be as bad as the first. and good luck when the time is right!

Steph said...

My mom was in your situation also. She was lucky to have babies mostly during the winter months but my brother was born in early May. My dad was so busy that my grandparents had to take my mom home from the hospital. But, she said the same thing about it all working out because she had lots of family around to help. Plus, babies come when they are meant to, regardless what month it is. I really hope when you decide you want to go for it, that it happens just as easy for you as with Naomi!!

Matt, Katelyn, and Brady Risenmay said...

You will know when it's time for another baby and it really will work out just the way it is supposed to. We really experienced that when we started talking about having another one. It took a little longer but looking back, the timing is perfect. I wouldn't change a thing. Everything works out exactly how it is meant to, of that I am 100% positive.