Better

Today is better.  Much better.

A few things happened after my melt down.  Jaren and I had a few talks, one of which lasting almost 2 hours about "feelings".  Mine, in particular.  I think we got to the bottom of the cause of my increase of emotions.

I have a giant to do list.  Ranging from my photo business, household chores, projects - I have a lot of projects and things I want/need to do.  I can't seem to look at something as an individual.  I group it all together and feel like I need to tackle, not one thing at a time, but all of it.  I want to either finish or start on something all in one day.  Problem with that is I can't.  I start and I get overwhelmed and I shut down.  The next day comes, I decide to start on it again, the same thing happens.  This goes on for days until I get a question, "What's for Dinner?"  and I break.  I cry, I feel horrible because the floor isn't vacuumed, the kitchen isn't glistening, I haven't started on or finished any projects and then I haven't made dinner.  It's hot dogs again.

So then I think, "what kind of housewife am I?"  I'm a failure.  I can't seem to get a hold on all of the things I need to do.  I dwell on those feelings and I am sad, and it get's worse and I feel like a lump of a person.  Then everything sets me off.  Everything.  And it seems like I finally start getting something done and more creeps up.  It's like, I clean the bathrooms - whoo for me!  Then a week goes by and it's time again.  Oh... but I have other things I'm trying to do, two weeks go by and I am feeling bad and every day that goes by I feel worse.  It's a vicious cycle.  But the worst part is that it only takes 10 minutes to clean a bathroom!  So, it's like, seriously?  You can't just do it?

My post the other day was a glimpse of a moment.  A sad, weak moment that I needed to vent about.  I'm not a giant mess like that all day long.  I promise.  Come to find a lot of other people have the same moments.  After talking to some friends and family I realized that they all set to-do lists that grow and can't get a hold of and it causes intense emotions.  I think in this society, being a housewife has this notion that the house is always nice and clean.  That because we/I call ourselves homemakers we should be able to do just that.  Make our house a home.  And when it's not perfect, I feel like I fail.

I didn't have to deal with this before I had Nae.  I was in school and so first, I wasn't home all day and second, I didn't feel like a 100% stay at home Wife.  I was busy - very busy.  So when things didn't get done, it was because I was gone.  Or doing homework.  Or at a group project.  Now, when something doesn't get done it's because I'm doing something else.  But I feel more obligated for everything to be nice and neat and clean.  Always.

Jaren and I have come up with a solution.  After telling him how I felt and why I felt that way he is able to understand why.  Why I start crying when he asks if I got the mail.  So, I am taking things one at a time and am trying to get caught up.  I'm working on getting a routine down so I can get a handle on it all.  I have high expectations that I think I can meet.  I just have to realize it's going to take time and it doesn't make me any less of a person if I can't get it all done in a day.

The thing is.  Is that when I'm having my super low emotional moments I'm still happy.  I'm happy with my life.  Happy I'm married to Jaren.  Happy I have Naomi.  Happy I live where I live.  Happy I'm in the house I'm in.  I wouldn't change a thing.  Except to not be so emotional :)

PPD is real.  And the spectrum is so vast.  If I have it, I think I'm on the itty bitty bit of it end.  And I think exercising and tackling my to-do list and talking to Jaren about it will help.  I think I can go back to my happy carefree - not so quick to take offense as easily Whitney.  Life is about growing and making adjustments and changes and figuring out what works.  With the time it takes to raise a kid, I am making adjustments to the way I normally would do things.  It's the process of making the adjustments that seems to be the hardest thing.

I think one of the worst things you can do is to dismiss the issue.  Like there's nothing wrong.  Because that's the last thing I want to hear.  Is that it's normal for me to be this emotional and sad and take things personal and feel like a failure all the time.  I was not like that before and I refuse to stay like this.  So, yes, something isn't quite right.  But it's fixable and I don't think it's too serious.  Things seem worse when your in physical pain, right?  Like with my root canal and another tooth that has started to be pressure sensitive on the other side. So, basically I can't chew.  Oh, wait, I have my front teeth and very back last molars on top and bottom.  Ugh. That's a whole other story!

And thank you for all of the support and nice words I got.  I really appreciate the advice and a bit of validation that it's not all in my head; that I'm not making it up.  Thank you, again :)

I Get It

I usually have the T.V. on Nick J.R. just playing away and Nae just plays on the floor and watches occasionally.  And I can tell which shows she really likes.  Dora is number one.  She's fascinated by Yo Gabba Gabba and really likes The Backyardigans.  I think it's cute that she squeals at the T.V. every time the backpack song from Dora comes on.  And she dances.  It looks like a shimmy and it makes me smile or laugh every time. 

We were downstairs and she was going through my stuff next to my desk and the Nickelodeon mega music fest comes on.  The first person on is Dora.  I said, "Naomi, Dora's on!"  And she looked at me - the T.V. is on the other side of the desk so she couldn't see it.  I picked her up and turned her to the T.V.  Then it switched to Go Diego Go or The Backyardigans - I don't know.  But she squealed and was glued to the T.V. smiling.  They were singing Black Eyed Peas and so we got up and danced and she was so happy.  And I had tears come to my eyes because she was so happy!  And I realized, I get it. 

I get why parents wake up at 3 a.m. on black Friday to get their kid Tickle Me Elmo.  Or sit at the computer and the second the clock strikes 12 they are clicking away to buy Hannah Montana tickets.  Or whatever it is. 

It makes her so happy!  Such a simple silly thing to us, but whenever Dora is on T.V. she is smiling and making happy noises and talking and squealing.  I guess I adore the girl.  I probably wont buy her any Dora paraphernalia any time soon.  And probably wont pay hundreds for her to go to a concert.  But for now, I think I get it. 

Lately

• I have been a bad blogger
• I have been obsessed with my daughter
• I have not been as on top of housework as I'd like to be
• Lately I have had to put off running
• I have been sad about not running
• I have lost endurance
• I made a decision to continue training
• I have been busy
• It's been hard to see how busy I've been since the house isn't spotless and blogs aren't updated and the miles aren't climbing in my training log
• I've been obsessed with photography and editing
• I've been wanting things I can't have (like CS4)
• I've been very, very grateful for our Heavenly Father
• I have been dying for spring to come (I've not been outside for longer than 3 minutes since October)
• I've been missing family
• I've been missing friends
• I've been lonely
• I have been dreading April as the start of farming and Jaren wont be around so much
• I have been excited for April since that's when my family is coming
• I have been feeling stressed about April because my house is not ready for said family to come
• I've been feeling better about myself physically
• I've been wanting so badly to chop all of my hair off 
• I have been wanting to nap for more than 30 minutes in a day
• Naomi has been sleeping 12 hours strait at night
• I have been waking up in a lot of pain because Naomi doesn't need to eat at 3 a.m. anymore
• I have been mostly, 97% happy (the other 3% has to do with self improvement)

Lastly, here is a picture Jaren took of me yesterday.  One of the last with my long hair since tomorrow is the day I chop it off and send it to Locks of Love for my second time. 

Can you tell I've not been outside since September? 
I'm trying to decide if I want bangs or not.  And not the kind that go all the way across your forehead.  I was annoyed with them while I was pregnant and let them grow out.  But now I think I may want them again....  thoughts?

Thorn In My Side

School is officially OVER!

I AM SO HAPPY.

I finished my last final yesterday and about cried (yes, about. tears didn't actually fall, but they welled). It felt SO good. Like two anvils were taken off each shoulder and I could breathe and function again.

This semester has been the hardest out of all 9 of my semesters. I'm 13 credits from graduating and I've finally had a semester that really really made me want to quit. It was only 13 credits(I've taken 15 in one semester before)! I've taken two anat and phys classes on blocks (one semester of info squeezed into half the time - 6 weeks) and that was tough.... but nothing like this.

So many times I would get so frustrated and overwhelmed, I just wanted to be done. But I know it's ridiculous, I'm about finished and it would be horribly stupid. So that was out of the question, or consideration - whatever.

I guess I just want to write down how hard this was. I fear I will forget the pressure in my chest 85% of this semester. If I ever have a kid that is crying because they don't want to continue on - it's too hard, I want to remember that I felt the same way and I can tell them to continue on, they can get though it because I did.

I've never been so happy with a 78% in my life. Kinesiology was so challenging. So interesting and fun and I loved the class, but it was SO HARD. Took so much time, but I know that if I had spent more time I would have had a better grade. I love health. I love learning about the body and it's functions and how to keep it healthy and how to fix it. This class was perfect for all of that. It just had SO much information. Every muscle in the body I had to know and that was no biggie, I did that in my anat and phys class. But in this class you also have to know each muscles origin and it's insertion and all of the actions it performs and what nerve innervates it. I love that stuff! But it was SO MUCH INFORMATION! And not just that, I had to be able to discect an action (like doing a pull up, or batting or sitting down or crossing your legs) and tell you which muscles were being used (agonists), which muscles were stabilizing and neautrilizing the action and then what class lever system and the anatomical name of the joint and ligaments and how each of those worked and why they are there. UH!! See? Probably causing some of you anxiety just reading about it. Anyway... just really hard.... it's so nice to be finished.

Next semester will be cake compared to this one. I just have a bunch of exercise classes and a few classes that will require studying and tests. I thought I was scared to be done, but after the feeling I had yesterday I am very aware I will be invigerated when I finish. It will be so nice. I will probably be bored trying to find something to fill every second of my day because that's how it is in school, but it wont take long to get me into a groove.

For now I just want to get my house spotless, catch up on blogs and set up Christmas decorations in the next week. I'm going to craft, watch TV and cook and clean and take care of my husband and I'll read a few books - everything I couldn't do in the last 4 months! WOOHOOO! So excited!

Oh yeah! And I'm famous again!!!
I'll tell you all about it later.

Paying it Forward

I decided to play "Pay it Forward". Wendyburd is paying it forward to me and I am going to pay it forward to three other people.

"Here are the rules: The exchange focuses on doing an act of kindness without expecting anything in return other than that the recipient will, in their turn, pass the kindness along and pay it forward in their own way. This is how it works... I am going to agree to send something fun, inspiring or uplifting to the first 3 bloggers who post a comment on this entry (please leave your email address if I don't all ready have it.).

In turn you will then post about this on your blog, link to me, then send something to the first three people who sign up to play along through your blog. There are no cost restraints, but don't go crazy! The little something you send can be something you made, bought, were given or found. No biggie, just a gift that will make the person smile. Maybe something unique from where you live? And remember that kindness doesn't have to involve money; there are untold ways to help others every single day, everywhere you go - just look around."

Comment away!

p.s. Wendy, feel free to scroll down to my last post and send me one of those. Kidding!! kind of....

p.s.s. no, I'm not sending potatoes (especially one in the shape of a heart)

ps.s.s.s.s.s.s.s.s COME TO DINNER FRIDAY!