Saturday, September 5, 2009

31 Weeks: Downs and Downs and some Ups

I waited too long for this post. It's 5:00 a.m. on Saturday morning and I cannot sleep. I've laid in bed for an hour feeling nauseous, hot and completely awake. I'm going to try to write this as if it's last Tuesday.

The last week has been full of stress, emotions and lots of cramping.
I officially cannot walk anymore. It causes too much pain and I cramp the entire time and the longer I go, the worse I cramp. Not to mention that the rest of the day every time I move, stand, try to bend over or take a step I have horrible PSD pain. It's the worst when I'm sleeping - I cannot move - at all. I feel like when I try to explain how it feels all I'm doing is wining and
being a pansy. The pain is very real and I know not very normal for pregnancy. I handle pain pretty well and this is getting hard. It get's worse every day and now it doesn't matter what I've been doing that day; every time I stand it shoots pain, every time I take a step - pain. There isn't anything I can do and it's very disheartening. I take Tylenol, but not always because I really really don't want to be popping pills all day long - even if it is just Tylenol. And the thought of how much longer I have to deal with this brings me to tears. Don't get me wrong, I am still happy I'm pregnant, still so excited about this baby and never one second do I ever regret getting pregnant. I just thought my body would handle it better and now the one thing I felt like I could control and made me feel better about everything and put me in a good mood through the day - I can't do. I can't exercise and it's wearing on me. I'm really trying very hard to focus on everything good and be both inward and outwardly happy. Even when I'm in tears I'm still content with where my life is. I just hope that this isn't how every pregnancy will go, because I'm not sure how well I can chase a toddler around with all of the pain.

I cramp every time I stand. Cramp when I walk more than a few yards. I now have to walk at a snails pace everywhere I go or I'm in pain. Jaren keeps trying to get me to call the doctor every time, but I know it's all Braxton Hicks no matter how painful. It's all irregular, I'll sit down and it will go away, it's only in front and my girl is still squirmy and moves A LOT. So, the signs of pre-term labor aren't there. And I really don't want to call with a question then have to come in. (Jumping forward to 5:30 a.m. today I had a doc appointment yesterday and talked to him about it and if things get worse and more intense, then I go in) So, despite the pain and uncomfortableness everything is ok for now.

Enough about the pain, onto the emotions. OUT. OF. CONTROL. Seriously. I think the stress of my shower; both Celeste (Jaren's best friends wife who threw my shower) and I put in A LOT of work. I worried that no one would show and those who were most important showed. But some did not. I didn't realize it would effect me so much. I took it personally and struggled with trying to move on. The next day during church I started to have menstrual like cramps that I haven't felt this pregnancy at all. It was constant and uncomfortable and lasted 10-15 minutes. I started to cry and when Jaren asked what was wrong I started to lose it. I was so embarrassed, I felt like everyone could see me fighting sobs - and quite a few did. I made it through a beautiful strings solo and then grabbed the keys, booked it for the door and barely made it out the first set of doors outside before starting the hyperventilating sobs. I don't remember crying like that since I first found out I wasn't pregnant in January. It got worse when I got in the car. And I couldn't stop it! Not at all. I tried because I felt like I shouldn't be crying like that. Jaren came out and we both laughed - me through sobs and tears and him through concern at how ridiculous it was that I couldn't hold it together even a little. I tried to get it under control, but every few minutes I'd start sobbing again. So, he took me home and laid me down for a nap and just stayed and talked to me. Made me laugh and calmed me down. I am forever so grateful to him for how he handles my stress.

My shower turned out great, it was beautiful and I had way too much candy, cupcakes and mini sandwiches left over. We played some fun games that I enjoyed a lot and I got a lot of great gifts. Lots of clothes. People were very generous and thoughtful. I went home and pulled everything out again and just looked and handled, imagining her in all her clothes. I am very grateful. When Lindsey wasn't taking pictures of the very cute babies she got some of me - I might post some.

I made a list of everything I still needed and felt very overwhelmed. I think that added to my emotional issues. Baby bills just keep adding up. I've yet to find someone that has spent/will spend as much on a birth with insurance as we will/are. So, those thousands and thousands combined with everything baby we have to buy has worn on me more than it has Jaren. Which is surprising. But for some reason I feel responsible :) Even though I know I'm not. Not to mention my house. I feel like I have so much to do! Cleaning, organizing, getting ready, stocking up and even though I know I have lots of time I don't know where to start. So, the next week (currently in) will mark quite a bit of getting started.

All in all this last week has been very overwhelming emotionally and physically. I'm hoping that was my low and so it will steadily get better - emotionally at least. And so far - today being Saturday - it has.

I debated writing this post so gloomy but I want to keep this up and even though it wasn't a wonderful week it was my 30th week of pregnancy and it needs to be recorded. Pregnancy is full of up's and down's and this just happened to be a down week. I have full confidence that when my little girl reads this someday she wont take it personally. How could she? This has nothing to do with her personally, just the way my body and emotions are handling pregnancy. And I hope she reads this and when she goes through the exact same thing she knows she is not alone and her mommy went through it as well. It's normal and I can empathize and relate. I would have loved something like this from my mom. Even all the negatives. Because it's her and part of her life and she went through it for me - I would feel very special and loved (I already do, Mom, without the journal :)

Speaking of this little/big 3 pound squirmer I've never felt so in love. I have just been watching my belly every night for hours and she has been moving so much. I see her legs and feet moving and now she turns her head side to side and that is a lot of fun to watch as well. She is still Breech and is getting bigger so her head is even bigger under my ribs and she will push herself up (I think to give her legs more room to kick) into my ribs. It really hurts and I have to lean back and to my left side to give her and myself some room. It's so weird, my left side doesn't bother me a bit. But because she is still shoved as far over on my right side as possible and is completely verticle; those ligaments and that side of my rib cage are getting the brunt of the effects. I'm starting to wonder if she has a 4 inch umbilicle cord. But I love her and spend my time wondering what she will look like, be like, how she will come, when she will come and what type of baby she'll be. I just sit and stare at her clothes and the things she does have and I am so excited. Jaren and I talk about it and we are very ready to start our family - she is very very wanted. He makes me so happy with how often he tells me he thought about what he will say when she's 16 or when she brings home a boy or when she cries about wanting something. He usually says he's going to give her whatever she wants, "just like her mother" (can you see my eyes rolling??:) I couldn't be happier with how he is showing me he is excited and how when I even start to move to stand he comes over and helps. How he is constantly worrying and making sure I'm fine. How even though he is incredibly busy he still will let me vent and cry and talk his ear off about things like a crib and our nursery and things we need. He has a lot of stress from work and is exhausted when he comes home and lets me exhaust him further with my petty worries. Because they aren't petty to me he makes such a great effort. I know those things don't matter to him, they are more the mommies worries, but he lets me make him a part of it. I love him and every day, every second my right-for-me choice in a spouse is confirmed. He's perfect for me and I am so excited to give him his little girl.

Ending on a good tearful note! These pregnancy hormones are seriously insane.

31 Weeks:
I thought one cake mix box would make 2 dozen mini cupcakes and oh, how how wrong I was. They make 4 dozen. I made 2 boxes and had eight dozen and it was so many!! So I thought it appropriate to take this picture with one. Even though it's hilarious to see a picture of a pregnant lady who has packed on the pounds posing with a cupcake. Anyone else think it's funny? :)
Baby Shower:
Tasty food - we have had mini sandwiches for days and they are so yummy!

Happy mommies (who have lost all their baby weight and look amazing, so they give me hope)Jessica with her super cute 3 1/2 month old. I got her that onsie :D


An amazing quilt my Sister in Law, Brittney made me - it's beautiful.

Lindsey being the good present fairy
A super cute hooded towel from my Mother in Law (she spoiled me). This is as good of a picture as we're gonna get of myself.
And, of course, the cute babies.
This is Kenzie, my Sister in Law's Sister's baby. (follow?)
We all know this handsome stud. My nephew, Conner.
I would have posted more pictures of everyone who was there, but Lindsey seemed to catch most people at the wrong moment. Thank me later.
A few more things:
  • I now go get 12 dollar spa pedicures at a beauty school. The last time I painted my own nails was the end of July.
  • I also am now showering in our extra bathroom because it's a tub shower, ours in our bedroom bathroom is a standing and I can't bend over in it. It's so sad it's funny.
  • Also can't put socks and shoes on. It's pathetic. Thank heavens for flip flop weather.

13 comments:

Kristina P. said...

I'm sorry you're in so much pain. I always wonder how pregnancy will affect me.

The shower looks wonderful though!

Tiffany Fackrell said...

here is some hope. this pregnancy has been a LOT different from my first, so there is hope for the future.

also I don't think that pic is funny i think that I want ALL of those cupcakes, they look so yummy!!!

and hang in there, you really don't have much longer.

Wendyburd1 said...

Whitney I really wish you would listen to Jaren and call the doctor, these pains do not sound normal, and better SAFE than sorry! Show this to Jaren! He and I agree! And man, is your hubby a gem, he is so sweet with you, he is going to be such a great Dad!

You look so great and man do those cupcakes look delicious!! And so professional, the one you are holding, did you use a pastry bad to put frosting on? Mmmm!

I only hope, this lil spud stretching out your insides makes all other pregnancies VERY easy!

Just think about calling the doctor and asking him if it is braxton hicks or if this is something to be concerned about?? If you need to be on bed rest, you need to find out now. Please??!

The Boob Nazi said...

WOW. Thirty one weeks! THAT IS CRAZY. It seems like it just crept up!

Kate said...

Whitney,

Let me say first off by saying that you are nothing short of amazing. The fact that you are making a PERSON in your uterus is awesome but everything else that comes with it is not so much fun. I am so sorry that you have to go through what you are!! My first pregnacy was a frickin' dream but my second was exactly as you are describing. eww! I'm sorry. I am glad that your shower went well over-all and I know you will get the nursery figured out. As long as you have a bouncy seat, a swing, burp clothes, diapers & wipes and a bassinet, you are set for the first few weeks. Seriously.

Victoria Elder said...

Whit! Sounds like you could use someone to talk to! Call me whenever you want! I know the feeling that everything has to be perfect for the baby comes but it really doesn't! Sorry your in so much pain i hated it when things started getting SO uncomfortable and painful all the time....there's a light at the end of the tunnel!

chelseyfaye said...

I feel so bad that you are in so much pain! She will be worth it! You look so cute! Like I've said before, I am on maternity leave and don't do much. Call me. I can bring Payton and come help you clean, organize, whatever. I leave for Nova Scotia for 3 weeks on Sept 25th, so anytime till then!

Chad, Chelsea and Dawson Davis said...

You are sooo... close hang in there and try to just be so excited! I know how you feel with the PSD thing I am one of the few who also has that pain... luckily I didn't have a lot of cramping added to that though. I wonder if using a cane would help at all it always helped for me to put my weight on something else like... Chad or to lean on the bed it was always so hard to put my pants on with the one leg thing.

Michelle said...

Take heart, every pregnancy is sooooo different. This is my 3rd pregnancy and I've had almost no pain compaired to my first two. But I promise you that it will all be forgotten the second you hold that precious baby. Your doing great! PSD SUCKS!! But you will be surprised how quickly it goes away once the baby comes and you are so close!

andrea. said...

i was sad when i read this post. i wish i lived close by so i could come help you with house work and organizing! i am so sorry that your pregnancy has been so hard. i have heard over and over again that being pregnant with a girl is the hardest. let me know if you need anything though. i am only a phone call away, seriously.

good luck! you are almost to the end! oh and your shower looks like it was amazing!!

Alexis Treese said...

oh man, its really wearing on you. My high risk Dr. Misaki one day listened to me cry and cry about the emotional stress and total discomfort and then some... But instead of saying some dismissing comment like 'Oh but its worth it" **thats the worst. Duh. ANYWAY he said, I'm so sorry. It does suck. And you woman have to go through so much...yadda yadda yadda. I was so relieved and hugged the crap out of him. The first person to just say, Youre right.It sucks. And to think... it was a man to do so. Of course, that was the same doctor that called Ginger a little hussy when she was just a fetus.
PS I love the updates. Youre in the home stretch.

Sara Ann said...

:( I am sorry. Hopefully it won't last the whole rest of your pregnancy! Your shower looked like it was great:) I am pretty excited for mine this weekend!

B and B said...

How do you know Jessica? I grew up with her in Colorado- what a small world. Your shower looked like fun- congrats. I can't wait for this baby to come. You waited so long to come that this pregnancy seems abnormally LONG- I keep checking to see if you've had her yet! Good Luck and Congrats!!
-Breanne