I Just Don't Get It

My body.  I don't understand why it's so finicky. 

My milk has dropped again.  In the last two days it has dropped by 50% or more.  It has to be the running.  I stopped and went from 20 miles a week to 4 for 3 weeks and started pumping/feeding every 2 to 3 hours.  Drinking over a gallon of water a day.  Eating more.  Taking 18 fen-gre pills a day.  Eating oatmeal. Drinking Mothers Milk Tea 2-3 times a day.   It went up a bit, but not enough to give her a full feeding.  So, we started her on rice cereal and I gave her a bottle of expressed milk and formula 3 out of her 5 (including middle of the night) feedings a day. 

I've been doing this routine now for almost 7 weeks.  I started to notice what running was doing for me.  Because when I stopped I got my head aches back, my back was hurting again and I was tired all the time.  No energy.  The torpedo weight loss I was experiencing slowed to about half a pound to a pound a week.  And in the last 2 weeks I've not lost anything.  I'm hovering at 2 to 3 pounds to go. 

I struggled and struggled with what to do.  I went to my doctor, I talked to family and friends and the most important opinion to me was Jaren's.  We decided that the benefits of exercise to me was needed.  So, I started to train again.  It was hard starting over.  Before I stopped I was running 4 miles 5 times a week and ready to jump up to 5.  And starting again, 3 was a chore. 

I kept up my pumping/feeding, water, pills, tea, food routine and it stayed the same.  In fact, because I was supplementing some formula I was able to store quite a bit of milk.  It made me feel better that I wasn't giong to have to just give her a bottle of formula without any weaning.  I hoped I wouldn't have to do that.  I hoped I would still be able to give her breastmilk with it for...  I don't know.  I had hopes to get her to 8 or 9 months.

So.. the weight loss has pretty much stopped.  That is depressing.  My clothes are fitting, but not the way I'd like.  The running, on the other hand has helped my head aches.  They are all but gone.  My back is feeling so so SO much better and I have more energy.   Most days.... because lately she has been a finicky sleeper.  Which means we don't get good sleep.

Before bed I would usually pump 4 1/2 to 5 ounces.  The night before last I pumped 2 1/2.  It just dropped in like, a day.  When I would put Naomi down for bed I would pump 2 to 2 1/2 ounces and now I'm lucky to get over 1. 

I'm feeling so incredibly sad about it.  Because now I'm pretty sure it's all about the exercise.  And it's not even as much about weight loss anymore.  Running helps me in so many ways.  I'm struggling with, "am I selfish to keep going?",  "even if I stopped I still wont make enough to feed her",  "does this make me a bad mom?",  "I feel like a failure." 

Whenever I heard, "Nursing was so hard for me." I figured it was becuase the baby wouldn't latch.  I was asked, "how is nursing?"  I would respond, "Oh it's wonderful, she latches so great!"  Then I started having problems with my supply and I realized there is so much more to nursing than just having a baby who eats properly from you. 

I have a lot of friends who are running more than I am or exercising more than I am and never had a problem with their milk supply.  I have come to the conclusion that my body just can't handle both.  My Mom had a hard time keeping her milk supply up, so I'm wondering if part of it is genetic. 

I'm supposed to run 4 miles today.....  I'm just so sad.  It's hard to feel super motivated when this is going on.  I tried feeding Naomi strait formula yesterday.  Just 2 ounces.  She downed an ounce, then started tasting it and realized it wasn't what she normally get's and pushed the bottle out and spit out what was in her mouth.  I tried to give it to her again and she would start to eat and then do the same thing.  It broke my heart.  Because it looks like she's going to have to get used to something she doesn't like much.

We started feeding her solids.  Peas is this week and she is loving real food.  Now she wants to eat whatever we are eating and she is pooping everyday!  With rice cereal it was every 4 or 5 days if we were lucky.  But yesterday she blew out her diaper TWICE.    We are now, as of yesterday, feeding her solids for two meals in the day.  It feels nice to have some of the pressure off.  That I'm not the sole nutrient provider. 

I'll continue with what I'm doing until I no longer am producing anything.  I'll try.  I am trying.  And I'm realizing that formula isn't the worst thing in the world.  Some women are making me feel/think that it is.  You know what?  A can of formula is 24 dollars and with how I go through it it has lasted me a month.  One bottle of Fen Gre pills is 28 dollars and I go through a bottle a week.  It's insane.  I thought formula was expensive.  Turns out trying to keep my milk up is more. 

I don't want any advice - I've heard it all.  I don't want any guilt - I've gotten that all.  Support would be nice.  I'm struggling and I'm doing everything I know possible and it's draining.  Emotionally and physically.  I need to do the things for myself to help me be a better Mother and Wife.  If I'm constantly in pain with no energy nobody wins.  Especially my daughter who needs someone to take care of her and play with her.  When I wasn't exercising she wasn't getting played with as much. 

I just needed to vent.  I needed to share how taxing this is.  I don't know what else to do.  And right now I'm just struggling with the thought of my milk completely drying up.  And I'm stressed.  I have a huge list of things to do and not much time to do it in.  Today isn't really a good day, I guess.  And it's only 9:30 in the morning.  Yikes.