Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Choices

This life is about making choices.  Whether good or bad you get to choose.  Down to the mundane things or things that don't have too much of a detrimental impact on your life - like pb&j or pb&honey?  Or no sand which, I'd rather have a frozen burrito. 

When to wake up, when to sleep.  Like now, I've been up since before 4 a.m. just lying awake and so after over an hour I chose to get out of bed and write down my thoughts. 

I got pregnant with only one birthing option in mind; going till I went into labor then having her the "normal" way.  I also figured that since I was very, VERY healthy to begin with that I would have a pretty easy going pregnancy.  I just figured my body would be able to handle it all easily with how in shape I was and with being young. 

I was surprised when things started to appear that I had no idea about and didn't think would be possible because I was taking such good care of myself.  The pain and weight gain were the hardest to deal with.  I had only gained 13 pounds by the time I was 6 months pregnant.  Then it was like that was the last bit of it - every week from there on out was shocking and subject to lots of weight gain.  And lots of tears of unbelief and confusion.  I got to the point where I could no longer exercise
(because of pain and cramping)- the one thing that I was choosing to do on my own and I had control of.  That was hard to deal with. 

I cramped and could do nothing about it.  My baby wouldn't turn and I couldn't do anything about it.  I tried sitting weird and laying and lifting my pelvis and all sorts of stuff.  Nothing worked.  The girl wasn't budging for me or the doctor when he'd try to push on her. 

Then I thought I had a choice; do a version (turning from the outside) or not and just go with a c-section.  After talking to my doctor and finding out she would be okay, I wanted to do the version.  I wanted to hopefully still have that option of a vaginal birth.  I wanted to go through that experience.  Push her out like every other mommy pushes out their kids. 

Come to find I don't even have that choice anymore.  When faced with a serious situation you do whatever is best for your baby and yourself.  So, I am down for a c-section no matter what.  Unless she magically flips on her own before the surgery.  But I highly doubt that.  I feel like my agency has been taken away and I'm forced with only one option, one way out.  And even though it was not what I wanted or planned I know it's what is best. 

As much as I wanted her to come early I was totally prepared to wait it out uncomfortably.  Because that's what you do.  If I ever hear someone tell me I'm taking the easy way out or the easier road of childbirth I'm going to have a conniption.  I don't have a choice.  I'm doing what is best for my kid.  And I don't care the path anymore as long as the end result results in a healthy baby and me intact.  Even if it takes some healing to get that way.  I do not feel like I have the "easier" path. 

How am I feeling about it all?  The more I'm learning the more nervous I'm getting.  Not about the c-section, but about the preeclampsia.  I didn't realize how serious it was.  And come to find I have the not so good symptoms.  They aren't constant which is nice, but the fact that they are there isn't a good thing.  I find out my blood results this morning sometime (probably not 5:30 a.m.).  I take my jug-o-pee in tonight.  I'm scheduled for my first stress test Thursday.  Unless my blood results are bad.  I'm feeling a bit helpless.  Wishing I knew how serious it was and when I should plan on having my baby.  I can't get over how normal, well, normal for the last few weeks/months I feel.  If normal is horrible pelvic pain, rib pain and cramping.  haha.... which I guess isn't necessarily.  But to know that something isn't right with your body and not be able to tell from the outside is weird.  I take comfort in the fact that she is so active.  She is moving a ton and it's the only thing that makes me rest easily. 

I'm okay with the c-section.  I feel calm about it.  I'm a bit nervous about being cut open.  Scared for how the recovery will go, but in the end I'm okay about it all.  Just wondering when.....

It's all still a bit unreal.  And my mind is going much too fast and needs to calm down so I can sleep.  Writing my thoughts helps.  I'm wondering if it makes sense to anyone other than myself. 

Does it?

14 comments:

Michelle said...

Well, I don't think anyone would concider having a c-section as the easy way out...at all. I don't know of many people who would actually CHOOSE that route if they had another option. Really though, it's a miracle we have that option today. Lets face it, many mothers and babies would die without it. Makes me grateful for modern medicine. Good luck with everything. Can't wait to hear news of this little one. :)

Trudy said...

C-section is defiantly NOT the easy way out! And you have NO choice! This may seem way weird and out there but it does work, take it for what’s it worth, but have you tried talking to her? I know it sound wired but I swear by this, Do it like a prayer, ask permission to talk with her tell her who you are (she already knows but just to clarify) tell her in adult language what’s gonging on, and what you need her to do then end it like a prayer. She may move if that’s her divine order, or not, this may be one of those life moments we all have in our own way. Like I said it may seem weird, if it’s to be then so be it. Go with the flow and hang in there your almost done. Lvoe and hugs I'ts almost over and soooo worth it ;) not to pry but have you had a blessing?

Jenna said...

I think there are few things more frustrating in life than a loss of control, especially in a situation where you worked so hard to try to make sure that you did everything "right" to prevent the situation. I agree with the above posters, c-section is NOT the easy way, and for that very reason is the last possible thing I want, and like you, I plan on doing everything I can to avoid it. Here's to hoping you get that magical flip in the last few days before you don't have any other choice.

At least, with a c-section rate of above 30% in the US, you know you're in good company! At this rate close to 1 in 3 moms have had one, and they're all walking around fine living life and loving their babies.

Lena Gilbert said...

Well you're kind of having a harsh introduction into motherhood....the idea that you're willing to pretty much die for your kids. I remember after my awful labor with Isak I really appreciated that concept.I guess it helps us love them all the more..even when they give us stretch marks, gray hair, and put us on bedrest!

Kristina P. said...

You are having such a postive attitude about things. I will send you a GoGirl!

Jon, Julee, and Maddie said...

I'm sorry I remember being freaked out about preeclampsia I remember though it was probably 36 weeks when it surfaced. But if you start feeling really sick like your immune system is shutting down you had better get your blood pressure checked. I remember feeling really super crappy like nasty cold and flu and then doing my routine check up my blood pressure was 160/100 something. So just be careful you don't mess around with high blood pressure becaues it can kill the placenta and cause brain ruptures.

Que and Brittany are adopting a baby boy! said...

Not every mommy pushes out her kids. :)

Life as Ashley said...

TOTALLY understand your feelings. I felt the same way. I wanted to push my kid out the natural way. The way it is supposed to be done.

When I was told my only choice was a c-section, I was devastated. I made the doctor go over and over again why it wasn't possible for me to keep trying. I only had an hour to wrap my mind around dealing with having the sudden change of plans. And it was hard. I felt like I was less of a mother. A failure. I could only imagine what it would be like to have days (weeks?) to think about it.

The good news is: you are no less of a mother for having a c-section. And it is BY NO MEANS the easy way out. It takes a huge toll on your body, but I think the mental aspect of it is probably the hardest.

I LOVE (LOVE) Brittney's comment!

Victoria Gilbert said...

I'm sorry Whit. It's scary, and not at all what you were imagining for yourself. And I don't think anyone would ever accuse you of taking the easy way out with a c-section, because that will be a tougher recovery and no one wants to undergo surgery. We are all feeling for you and praying for you and for your doctors to know the best way to help you. It will all be worth it when you hold your sweet little girl! :) Love ya.

littlefamilyJLD said...

Your thoughts are most definitely totally normal. It's a hard but amazing experience to give up YOUR wants, YOUR body, YOUR plans in order to bring that baby you love so much to the world. And just when you think you have YOUR life back, you realize what it means to be a mom. I am continuing to discover that the sacrificing doesn't stop once you have the baby. But it is always worth it, b/c you love your child so much.

I wish you all the best as you prepare to have your baby!!

By the way, I read that you made some nursing covers? Did you get a pattern off a website or anything? I'm interested in making some as well.
:)

Wendyburd1 said...

You are SO not taking the easy way out at all!! I actually have most of my knowledge on preeclampsia from TV, which may sound funny but i have learned about a lot of medical conditions that way, and I know you must be very scared, but i think you are going to be fine, and you are going to FEEL so much better once the lil spudette is here!!

Victoria Elder said...

I would have to say the recovery of a c-section is definately dramatized, I think you recover fast if you want to. i recovered faster than people who had vaginal births. People who baby themselves will act like babies and drag it out & milk it. that's just my personal opinion & experience.

A-n-D said...

I've been following your blog for a while and appreciate your honesty about your feelings. I know that when we have ideas in our mind of how we plan/hope things will work out, it can be very disappointing when they turn out so different. But I have to say, your attitude is great and it will get you through anything! Here's wishing you continued peace of mind with whatever life/pregnancy throws your way!

Debbie:)

Jillybean said...

All four of my kids were born via scheduled c-section. I didn't really have a choice. My first weighed 10.5 lbs and had a good sized head. My doctor did give me the option of "experiencing" labor, but said there was still no way that he would be coming out the "regular" way. My second baby was laying transverse (sideways ) so I had no choice for that one either.
My advice on recovering from the c-section is to not overdo it. If I climbed the stairs too many times in a day, I would pay for it for two days afterward. You need to give your body a chance to heal.
Also, if they offer you a mirror to watch the surgery, DO IT! It seems like it would be wierd watching yourself cut open, however, it wasn't. You can see the baby immediately and with my last one, they angled it toward the table where the nurses were cleaning him up so I was able to watch that too. I didn't get to watch my first c-section, and I really wish that I had.
Two of my kids did need to be on oxygen for a while, however, the other two were able to come with me to the recovery room and I was able to nurse them there.
Also, ask for a belly support band after the surgery. I only had it with my last one and it made a HUGE difference in being able to move around.
This is getting long. Email me if you want a list of things that I had no clue would happen after the c-section. Things I wish I'd known........ ;0)