This life is about making choices. Whether good or bad you get to choose. Down to the mundane things or things that don't have too much of a detrimental impact on your life - like pb&j or pb&honey? Or no sand which, I'd rather have a frozen burrito.
When to wake up, when to sleep. Like now, I've been up since before 4 a.m. just lying awake and so after over an hour I chose to get out of bed and write down my thoughts.
I got pregnant with only one birthing option in mind; going till I went into labor then having her the "normal" way. I also figured that since I was very, VERY healthy to begin with that I would have a pretty easy going pregnancy. I just figured my body would be able to handle it all easily with how in shape I was and with being young.
I was surprised when things started to appear that I had no idea about and didn't think would be possible because I was taking such good care of myself. The pain and weight gain were the hardest to deal with. I had only gained 13 pounds by the time I was 6 months pregnant. Then it was like that was the last bit of it - every week from there on out was shocking and subject to lots of weight gain. And lots of tears of unbelief and confusion. I got to the point where I could no longer exercise
(because of pain and cramping)- the one thing that I was choosing to do on my own and I had control of. That was hard to deal with.
I cramped and could do nothing about it. My baby wouldn't turn and I couldn't do anything about it. I tried sitting weird and laying and lifting my pelvis and all sorts of stuff. Nothing worked. The girl wasn't budging for me or the doctor when he'd try to push on her.
Then I thought I had a choice; do a version (turning from the outside) or not and just go with a c-section. After talking to my doctor and finding out she would be okay, I wanted to do the version. I wanted to hopefully still have that option of a vaginal birth. I wanted to go through that experience. Push her out like every other mommy pushes out their kids.
Come to find I don't even have that choice anymore. When faced with a serious situation you do whatever is best for your baby and yourself. So, I am down for a c-section no matter what. Unless she magically flips on her own before the surgery. But I highly doubt that. I feel like my agency has been taken away and I'm forced with only one option, one way out. And even though it was not what I wanted or planned I know it's what is best.
As much as I wanted her to come early I was totally prepared to wait it out uncomfortably. Because that's what you do. If I ever hear someone tell me I'm taking the easy way out or the easier road of childbirth I'm going to have a conniption. I don't have a choice. I'm doing what is best for my kid. And I don't care the path anymore as long as the end result results in a healthy baby and me intact. Even if it takes some healing to get that way. I do not feel like I have the "easier" path.
How am I feeling about it all? The more I'm learning the more nervous I'm getting. Not about the c-section, but about the preeclampsia. I didn't realize how serious it was. And come to find I have the not so good symptoms. They aren't constant which is nice, but the fact that they are there isn't a good thing. I find out my blood results this morning sometime (probably not 5:30 a.m.). I take my jug-o-pee in tonight. I'm scheduled for my first stress test Thursday. Unless my blood results are bad. I'm feeling a bit helpless. Wishing I knew how serious it was and when I should plan on having my baby. I can't get over how normal, well, normal for the last few weeks/months I feel. If normal is horrible pelvic pain, rib pain and cramping. haha.... which I guess isn't necessarily. But to know that something isn't right with your body and not be able to tell from the outside is weird. I take comfort in the fact that she is so active. She is moving a ton and it's the only thing that makes me rest easily.
I'm okay with the c-section. I feel calm about it. I'm a bit nervous about being cut open. Scared for how the recovery will go, but in the end I'm okay about it all. Just wondering when.....
It's all still a bit unreal. And my mind is going much too fast and needs to calm down so I can sleep. Writing my thoughts helps. I'm wondering if it makes sense to anyone other than myself.