That Time We Were "Snowed In"

One week ago yesterday.  So, last Tuesday we were technically snowed in.  A giant blizzard had hit Monday and the wind blew and blew and blew and it snowed and snowed and snowed for over 2 days strait.

I decided that was the day I really wanted to see Harry Potter.  We had tried to go once before.  Saturday, the day after Jaren's birthday but after Nae woke up at 10:30 p.m. vomiting giant amounts of whatever was in her tummy over and over again we decided we had better stay home.  Don't worry, she was fine after we changed her and let her take turns sleeping ON (she wouldn't sleep in our bed) us.  Needless to say we didn't sleep much.  Or at all.  Well, I did when Jaren had his turn because I brought out my own pillow out to the couch.  J-boy did not.

So, when you have plenty of big giant tractors at your disposal you can go anywhere!

We just decided to go 2 miles to his parents house, where we would drop Nae off, and borrow their SUV.  Because from their house (closer to civilization) the roads are a bit better taken care of.

I took lots of pictures...

Leaving our driveway - can you even see the road?

See how it's already about a foot deep?  The dark you see on the bottom of the picture is ground level.  That is a ditch.

Ok... looks a little creepy.  Like we are in some enchanted medow with misty floors.  Except we are in a tractor....  Kind of takes away the romanticism of it all.

So I dropped the exposure so you could see the drifts a little more clearly.  You can see the road, then you can see the drift in front of it that a truck couldn't plow through. 

Then there was the time, or 90% of the time it was a white out and we kept on the road by following the telephone polls. 

And there was that other time that we went over a drift instead of through it and Nae and I were thrown to the side because Jaren's side of the tractor was 3 feet higher than our side.  That was weird.

These tree's look a little droopy.....

We made it to Jaren's parent's.  Dropped the kid off and took off again.

You can at least see some road.

We were driving along, just driving a long when we came up on this little fella.

We were so glad, because when it looked like this we could at least follow our friend up there.

I floated down this river with my Young Women girls this summer and suffered from a 1st degree sunburn.  Sigh..... 

And the closer we got to town the better it looked!  It usually does.

It didn't even look like the wind was blowing!  

Remember this?!

The long awaited tasty delicious Cardne Asada.  It's probably my most favorite Mexican concoction ever.  I kick myself often when I realize I grew up in an 80% (or something like that) Hispanic town and never learned how to make this and the rice!!  I think I'll call an old friend and see if her mom will teach me over Christmas.

And my studly date who let me get Rolo's at the movie.  He's fantastic like that.

I'll tell you what I thought of the movie.  It was the first Harry Potter movie that I walked out of happy with how they took it from the book.  There are only two things they left out that I wish they hadn't.  I don't want to spoil it for everyone... even though the 2 parts aren't that big of a deal.  Ok, don't read the next paragraph if you don't want to know what is left out...

1.  Dudley and Harry's goodbye.  I liked what Dudley said to him, and that Harry wasn't hated by him.  I'm a sap.
2.  The poster's in Luna's room.  Why didn't they show them?  The pictures of Harry and his friends with the word, "Friends".  Again... I'm a sap.
Both of these things combined would have taken all of 4 minutes.  And then I would have been 100% happy with the movie!  Instead I'm just 97.5% happy.

And also, on the way home we passed a truck who thought he was way too cool for the 3-4 foot drifts and plowed right into one.  He was stuck.  Poor guy.  And also again, when we were within 100 yards of our driveway we hit a particularly unruly giant drift that the tractor almost didn't make it through!  And also again again, Naomi loved the tractor ride.  Talking and singing the whole time we were bouncing and being thrown around.  Silly girl.

Tomorrow I'll post pictures I took the next morning before the plows came.  I know you're all on the edge of your seats!

It Takes Two

And it does. Not just literally, but decidedly too.

To have a kid.

I was ready to get pregnant with Nae the summer of 2008. Jaren was nowhere near that. So I held out for October of 2008. That came and I was told no and had to wait another two months till Jaren felt ready.

And I'm so grateful I did. Having him excited and on board with the pregnancy made it that much easier. He helped with housework when I was feeling ill. He made me food the entire first trimester when I just laid on the couch whining and moaning about how, "I can't move, I'm going to throw up... I need to eat! I can't move!" I never threw up... But I really did feel like it.

And he was ready for her when she came. It was a huge huge adjustment. I babysat and have been around babies and kids my whole life. He has not. I felt totally comfortable with a baby. It took him some adjusting.

I guess I never considered that it would be this process  with each child. I figured the ice has been broken - we have one, now we can have more! Not so simple.

First, there is the issue of "do I want Jaren around?" If I have a baby anytime in between April and Mid October I run the chance of not having him available to help when I really need it. And I know I'd like his help for at least the first 2 1/2 months. Because that's the hardest time I think. Once I get that kid to 3 months I have a schedule built up with regular naps and feeding times and life is predictable. Not necessarily easy, but much more do-able than before. And in reality, I guess The hardest hardest part is the first month and a half where I'm healing from a C-Section and the kid is eating every 2 hours. Nursing for 45 minutes and then needing to eat again an hour later.

So, if I want him around ideally for the first 2-3 months I'd need to have a kid no later than January. And I really don't want to go that deep into winter. So, for me, it's November or December. Since we know I'll have to go 3 weeks early we have to plan for the 37 week due date and not the 40 Week one. Just to be safe.

So, that means the time to start trying again is only a few months away. I can't say I feel ready and Jaren definitely does not feel ready. But I know I want Nae and this kid to be around 2 years apart. So that means I have to either get pregnant this coming spring or wait till the next one. And I don't want them to be 3 years apart. I don't want to wait that long. Jaren seems fine with it.... I'm not.

So we are stuck. And it was starting to be a source of emotion between us. Or, more like a source of emotion for me. Like always. I know it's months away. But that comes fast. And we would have to wrap our mind around it now in order to be ready when that time comes.

I think communication is the most important part of marriage. Or for any relationship. You can get nothing absolutely nothing accomplished if you both don't talk. If you don't talk about your feelings and the why's and how's of it, things get left unsaid and then come back later to bite you in the rear.

Sunday (2 weeks ago) Jaren and I sat down and discussed the why's and how's of it. In the end we came to the conclusion that it's okay if I have a kid in June or July. I have plenty of help available and Nae would be that much older and easier to handle. She would be able to understand me and me her. Which would make the not being able to move because of the C-section or nursing easier when she needed something. I don't mind 2 1/2 years apart or so.

Just the knowledge that I'm not stuck on only 2 months out of the year to have a kid ever takes a huge weight off my shoulder. I know Jaren still wouldn't be as readily available as he would if it were winter. But, I'll take that over the alternative.

And the thing is - we don't know if it will be easy to get pregnant this time. We were so fortunate last time. I don't expect it to be as easy. Apparently when the doctor who did an ultrasound to check out my uteri's found out how easy it was for us to conceive he let me know that I was abnormal. Not just because of my innards, but because women with my "condition" usually don't get pregnant for months to years and a lot of times need help to do so.

I'm prepared for it to take time. Which doesn't play well into my "can have kids" months and "can't have kids" months. In the end, I wont care when if it's going to take time. All I'll care is that it happens.  And having Jaren totally ready is the most important thing.  Talking yesterday made me feel so much more at peace with it.  Free somehow.  Free to choose.  I've always been free to choose, but with my guidelines and wants I really am not as free as I'd like.

After a few weeks has since gone by when I wrote this I feel even more calm about it all.  That in the end when we know it's right for us to have a baby, we will try.  And when he/she comes it will all work out.  Even if it might be hard for the first bit.  I mean, my mom had 3 summer babies and my dad farmed.  If she can do it - I can, too.  

Art

So, before I start on this post I'm going to set a goal.  My goal is to blog every day this week.  Hoping this will get me in the right mind to write more!

I've been a little obsessed with pictures for the past year.  I think you can guess why.

Because of this I want to put them up all over my house.  I already did a picture wall in my dining room and now that we are making our downstairs into a nice family room I'm aching to do something similar, but different.

I found a whole bunch of frames at Porters (a craft store) for 40% off, so they were only a few bucks a frame.  I bought black, white, blue and pink.  Weird colors?  I don't know, I wasn't sure what I wanted to do with them, but now I'm seeing a theme come together with some fabric I had on hand.  I put them into a few of the frames.

And then I have this amazing picture of Naomi I had blown up and framed.  The best frame to match it was a bright pink and blue one.  Coincidence?  I think not.  I think it will match the other frames and such beautifully.

And then I came across a girl who is doing water color paintings to raise money to take her sister to Disney Land or World.... one of the two.  Send her your photo and she will paint it and take whatever you choose to donate.  I had her paint two.  One of Nae and one of myself.  I think it will make a good picture for our bathroom - where I get ready.  It's not often that I find a picture where I think I look pretty, but with these I do.

I sent the money and as soon as I get them I'm going to frame them and then I'll share them and the pictures they were painted after.

I'll definitely have her do more for me in the future.  I think they could make a beautiful present.

If anyone knows of any artists who will paint/draw/anything like that to one of my photo's let me know.   I'm looking to fill my home with more than just photos - I want paintings of photos :) 

Photoshop

I love Photoshop.  I love that I can take a pretty picture and make it beautiful.

I also love some of the black and white actions I have.  Here is a color of myself and then the black and white.

My favorite thing?  The clone and content aware tools.  Because with them I can do fantastic things.  Like this:

Notice anything?  Like how Mommy is in the first picture with little sister and not in the second?  There may be easier ways to accomplish taking them out.  But I had to super zoom in to where I could see each individual pixel and rebuild the sidewalk, bush and even some of the grass.  And I took care of what you could see through her hair.  I'm not really good yet.  I hope that with more experience I can get better.  But this little firecracker was everywhere so fast and so this picture was a good one.  With a pretty background, except for the legs sticking out of her arm.  So, being able to save it was really a necessity.  And I was particularly happy with myself when I finished it.  It took me over an hour and a half.  I think if I were to re-do it, it would take half that time since I have become more efficient.

I can take a picture that I love and do fun actions that change the color a bit.

Here is the original and below is the change. 

Not too drastic, but enough to make it feel different.  

And those are just a few of the reasons I love Photoshop!

Hapity Birthididityday

To my Jaren! (On the 19th)

He is wonderful.  And sweet. And fantastic.  And my favorite.  And nice.  And patient.  And thoughtful.  And super good looking.  And he makes really good sponge bob mac and cheese.  And he is 4 years and 8 1/2 months older than me.  And he doesn't act it.

What I mean is he doesn't treat me like I'm so much more immature and inexperienced than he is.  That I'm only 24 and he's a big whopping 29.  The wisdom he has on me.

Nope.  He comes to me and talks to me about his day.  About work.  About friends.  About situations.  And then he listens when I talk back.  And when I give my opinion and advice and suggestions.  And what's even better is that when I suggest something, he usually does it.  And a lot of the time it works out.  Because even though I'm 24 I'm pretty much mature enough to be 25.  And even though Jaren is 29 he is mature enough to be 34 and he even looks 26.   I told him so.  And he said "thank you".

The point is that I love him.  And that I am so grateful every single day for him because there is no one else on this earth that would respond to me in the way that he does.  When I'm super emotionally charged he is incredibly patient and understanding.  When I need to talk and talk and talk because Naomi just doesn't talk back and I need someone to talk back he listens and talks back.  In fact, when I'm particularly pent up and need to vent and go on and on about everything he sits down, turns off the T.V. and says, "alright, let's talk about feelings"  Which means let me know exactly what your thinking and feeling and we will discuss it.  And I always always feel better.  And it makes me feel important when he asks for my advice on things.  And keeps me in the know with things going on.  I need those things and I'm grateful he knows that.

He also let's me know how much he appreciates me.  Even when all of his shirts aren't ironed or the floor isn't picked up.  Because a lot of times he notices that I vacuumed, then the toys were scattered on the floor.  And he notices that because there is a sink full of dirty dishes there is dinner for him in the oven.  And he says thank you.  And he goes back for seconds (because he knows that's how I determine if he liked dinner).

The point is that he is wonderful.  And he is mine.  And he is the best baby daddy I could have ever hoped for.  Naomi says he's the best daddy she could have ever hoped for, too.  Because today she decided to let go of furniture and walk into the room until something got in her way.  My baby is walking....  And she said, "Bye"  At least that's what it sounded like.  And she said it while waving bye to her Grandma and Grandpa.

Anyway.  I drove back from Twin Falls (where I was visiting my brother Nathan, his wife Stephanie (who also used to be my roommate in college) and their little boy, Conner) this afternoon and when he ran into town to get his picture taken for his new lisence I finished the card I was making him and I wrapped his presents.

And I numbered them.  Because there is order to this chaos.  Kind of.

The front of the card.  

I can call him old all I want because forever he will always be 4 years and 8 1/2 months older than me.

I'm no artist.  I think I'm the equivalent to an 8 year old when it comes to drawing.  But this is how we like to do our cards.  We draw pictures and write on them.  I tried to find the ones from years past, but couldn't.  As soon as I do I'll share them.

The best thing about this?  That his arms are longer than his legs.  He has quite the shapely behind.  I'm wearing a spanx dress that hides every out of place bump and I'm wearing heels! (can you tell?)  And I'm always the one behind the camera capturing priceless moments.  Like Naomi's first steps (that I haven't take a picture of yet.... and barely caught on film tonight)

He loves my cards.  They are very wordy.  I'm always very wordy if you haven't noticed.  And I am such a great artist he knew right away he was the sumptuous bummed kneeler in the picture.  Oh, and Naomi wrote him a little note, too.  She's so thoughtful.

This big giant Time book that I'm particularly proud of getting for him.  He loves history and was pleasantly surprised.  Normally I'm a pretty predictable present giver.  Clothes.  

Here is the rest of his loot and booty.

A snazzy shirt that he really liked.  I knew he would.  And some super nice socks because he is kind of a sock man.  Ask his FOUR sock drawers.  Seriously... FOUR.

This fancy little number.  He was excited about it, except that we don't have room in our closet for it yet.  I told him I'd make room or we could wait till we build a home and have a giant closet.  He said we could wait, but I think I'll surprise him by moving my coats to another location....

Can you tell what these are?  I told him I'd make him lasagna.  The kind where I make the sauce from scratch and slave over it for hours.  He said no, I want mini pizza's.  So the three on the right are his - with just canadian bacon.  I'm not so picky.  I have canadian bacon, green pepper and mushrooms.  Mmmm...  Did I tell you I worked at a pizza restaurant for a few years?  I am a master pizza maker.

UPDATE:  In the process of writing this post my daughter started vomiting in her crib.  So I ran upstairs and she continued to throw up a good 4 to 6 times after that until 2 a.m.  During that time Jaren was there every second.  She refused to lay down by herself - even in our bed.  Which is unusual.  Usually she likes to sleep all on her lonesome.  She wont sleep on you.  Not last night.  It was so sad.  Anyway, he got me set up on the recliner and each time that she'd start to vomit again he was there with a towel.  He traded me off a few hours later because I couldn't sleep in that position and my head was killing me.  He couldn't sleep either, but didn't let me know.  I slept beautifully next to him on the couch.  He could have asked me to trade him off again or simply kept me up to keep him company.  Nope.  And when she decided it was wake time at 6:30 I told him he could go sleep and I'd take care of her.  Nope.  Stayed out with me because she was still not in the best of moods and was very needy.  He is the most wonderful father.  The best husband and I am so grateful for him every moment of every day.  It's time's like last night that remind me why I want to have 325 of his babies.

Happy Birthday to my Jaren!

New Bedding

I have been on the hunt for new bedding for a while.  Like a few years. 

We have quite a bit of left over paint from our accent wall in the basement and we like it so much we want to paint our bedroom that color.  And I found the perfect bedding to match.  And it will go especially well with the upholstered headboard I am going to attempt to make sometime soon. 

Beautiful?  Yes. 

Thank you West Elm.

What I Need To Be Better Oganized

A super fantastic friend of mine sent me a link to a blog post that made me feel better about cleaning.  Then I realized this blog had tons of posts like this.  And other stuff, too.  For the last two days I have been reading and reading her stuff.

I really like the way she talks about things and tackles problems.  And I like her solutions to problems. 

I've come to realize a few things.  I don't have a lot of clutter in my home.  Everything has a place.  When my house is totally picked up and clean the only eye sore/thing that bugs me is this bin that has all of the bills/important things that need to be filed away.

Why can't I file them away as I get them?  I don't know....  I guess the first time I put the bills or receipts in the bin was due to laziness.  Didn't want to walk over to the cupboard, grab the filing folder dealy and put them in their respective folders.  The next time and so on when one came I didn't put it in it's folder because it would have been out of order!  And from then it has piled up.  It's so easy to put it in the bin, it's out of the way and we are so used to it being there that it doesn't look out of place to us.

But it really is.

We have too many for one of my little mini filing folders.  I need a filing cabinet.  Jaren mentioned getting one.  We have one down in the basement but it's locked and there isn't a key or something like that.  I'm going to try to find something that will work and will look good out in the open.  Lately I've really wanted design to my home.  Jaren doesn't quite get it... but he will when he see's the finished product.

Besides, they make much better toy's than a filing thingy.

So, I'm file cute file cabinet hunting.  And thank you thank you to my dear friend, Ali for thinking of me. 

Projects

 I have a lot that I want to start.

Two of which have to do with Christmas.  One of those is a HUGE project that I should have started months ago.  There's a possibility of another big giant project for Christmas that I really want to do, but would have to take second place to the first giant project so I don't know if it will happen at all.  Vague?  Yes.  But my family reads this and since each one of these projects are for them...

Projects for my new basement family room remodel thing.  I have another picture wall (I have one upstairs in my dining room, but this one would be different).  Art for the wall.  Art for other people. 

I still have one thing I need to do for Nae's room. I KNOW.  She's over a year old!  Get on it, Whit.

Is exercising a project?  I've not regularly exercised since I ran my half marathon in JUNE.  I've started and stopped about 4 times.  I'm hoping to start and not stop soon.  (Update:  Started today! Yahoo!)

I want to re-do my personal blog, private blog and my photography site.

Blogging!  Biggest being my daughters.  I need need need to catch up and record these milestones.

But really, the first things on my list are the Christmas projects.  So daunting.  So huge.  So long.  So time consuming.....  I'll tell you all about it in 2 months. 

Update:  And in the week since I've written this I decided I wanted to make my own headboard.  I'm really excited about it, but wont start until I figure out what the heck I'm going to do for my Christmas tree this year.  I don't' want to rope it off - I want ornaments Naomi can play with and stick in her mouth.  Going between making some out of felt or buying the unbreakable balls she can roll around, suck on and throw and then put back on the tree.    Ideas?

Upstairs, Downstairs, Family Room, Living Room?

I wrote this post on Sunday and had planned to post it on Monday, but then thing's came up - I had my crown prep and didn't feel much in the mood for anything.  Then Tuesday happened and I vented about something else.

Anyway - sorry about hearing about my giant to-do list again, but this was written before Tuesdays or Thursdays or Friday - whenever I wrote that last one's post. 

10-31-2010

Lately I've been going nuts.  Nuts with how I feel like I don't have a handle on anything.  My house seems to constantly be a mess.  I am behind on balancing my checkbook.  Laundry, editing, taking pictures, videoing, blogging, reading blogs, phone calls, cards, exercising, projects, dinners.... ect...  How do you just get a grip!

One thing at a time... I know....

Jaren has brought up making our upstairs family room into a living room for a while now.  I'm always hesitant because upstairs is where I've decorated, painted and made into a nice homey warm home.  Downstairs is cold - figuratively - it's white, not really decorated.  Basically it's where we stick stuff.  But since I've started my photography business my computer is set up down here.  And so we've put half of Nae's toys down here and I'm down here every day.  It's become more familiar and not so cold.

And because I feel like there isn't a room in the house that is in order - except Nae's room - I'm all for roping off the upstairs and wrangling the circus to downstairs.  First thing on the list is to paint.  Painting the downstairs will give it the finished warm homey feeling that I need.  We will move some of the furniture from upstairs downstairs - bookshelf and T.V. stand.  That will help.  I'm going to decorate downstairs.  And over time it will feel more like the upstairs.

What we are most looking forward to is after Nae is put to bed we can walk upstairs and sit in a nice, clean space.  And the mess is all in one place.  And when people decide to drop by I wont feel like the worlds most horrible house wife because my house looks like it was ransacked.

I'm hoping this will help me to not feel like a housewife failure.  Which happens quite often....

Better

Today is better.  Much better.

A few things happened after my melt down.  Jaren and I had a few talks, one of which lasting almost 2 hours about "feelings".  Mine, in particular.  I think we got to the bottom of the cause of my increase of emotions.

I have a giant to do list.  Ranging from my photo business, household chores, projects - I have a lot of projects and things I want/need to do.  I can't seem to look at something as an individual.  I group it all together and feel like I need to tackle, not one thing at a time, but all of it.  I want to either finish or start on something all in one day.  Problem with that is I can't.  I start and I get overwhelmed and I shut down.  The next day comes, I decide to start on it again, the same thing happens.  This goes on for days until I get a question, "What's for Dinner?"  and I break.  I cry, I feel horrible because the floor isn't vacuumed, the kitchen isn't glistening, I haven't started on or finished any projects and then I haven't made dinner.  It's hot dogs again.

So then I think, "what kind of housewife am I?"  I'm a failure.  I can't seem to get a hold on all of the things I need to do.  I dwell on those feelings and I am sad, and it get's worse and I feel like a lump of a person.  Then everything sets me off.  Everything.  And it seems like I finally start getting something done and more creeps up.  It's like, I clean the bathrooms - whoo for me!  Then a week goes by and it's time again.  Oh... but I have other things I'm trying to do, two weeks go by and I am feeling bad and every day that goes by I feel worse.  It's a vicious cycle.  But the worst part is that it only takes 10 minutes to clean a bathroom!  So, it's like, seriously?  You can't just do it?

My post the other day was a glimpse of a moment.  A sad, weak moment that I needed to vent about.  I'm not a giant mess like that all day long.  I promise.  Come to find a lot of other people have the same moments.  After talking to some friends and family I realized that they all set to-do lists that grow and can't get a hold of and it causes intense emotions.  I think in this society, being a housewife has this notion that the house is always nice and clean.  That because we/I call ourselves homemakers we should be able to do just that.  Make our house a home.  And when it's not perfect, I feel like I fail.

I didn't have to deal with this before I had Nae.  I was in school and so first, I wasn't home all day and second, I didn't feel like a 100% stay at home Wife.  I was busy - very busy.  So when things didn't get done, it was because I was gone.  Or doing homework.  Or at a group project.  Now, when something doesn't get done it's because I'm doing something else.  But I feel more obligated for everything to be nice and neat and clean.  Always.

Jaren and I have come up with a solution.  After telling him how I felt and why I felt that way he is able to understand why.  Why I start crying when he asks if I got the mail.  So, I am taking things one at a time and am trying to get caught up.  I'm working on getting a routine down so I can get a handle on it all.  I have high expectations that I think I can meet.  I just have to realize it's going to take time and it doesn't make me any less of a person if I can't get it all done in a day.

The thing is.  Is that when I'm having my super low emotional moments I'm still happy.  I'm happy with my life.  Happy I'm married to Jaren.  Happy I have Naomi.  Happy I live where I live.  Happy I'm in the house I'm in.  I wouldn't change a thing.  Except to not be so emotional :)

PPD is real.  And the spectrum is so vast.  If I have it, I think I'm on the itty bitty bit of it end.  And I think exercising and tackling my to-do list and talking to Jaren about it will help.  I think I can go back to my happy carefree - not so quick to take offense as easily Whitney.  Life is about growing and making adjustments and changes and figuring out what works.  With the time it takes to raise a kid, I am making adjustments to the way I normally would do things.  It's the process of making the adjustments that seems to be the hardest thing.

I think one of the worst things you can do is to dismiss the issue.  Like there's nothing wrong.  Because that's the last thing I want to hear.  Is that it's normal for me to be this emotional and sad and take things personal and feel like a failure all the time.  I was not like that before and I refuse to stay like this.  So, yes, something isn't quite right.  But it's fixable and I don't think it's too serious.  Things seem worse when your in physical pain, right?  Like with my root canal and another tooth that has started to be pressure sensitive on the other side. So, basically I can't chew.  Oh, wait, I have my front teeth and very back last molars on top and bottom.  Ugh. That's a whole other story!

And thank you for all of the support and nice words I got.  I really appreciate the advice and a bit of validation that it's not all in my head; that I'm not making it up.  Thank you, again :)

I Didn't Realize.....

The effect my emotions were having on Jaren.  Or even the extent. 

Since I was pregnant with Naomi I became much more testy, emotional and I took everything personal.  Since I've had Naomi it's been worse.

I cry a lot.  If the house is a mess I feel like it's my fault and I feel like a failure at a housewife.  Jaren says, "have you balanced your check book?"  and I get on the defense, "I haven't had time!"  When really, I could have made time.  But then I feel like a failure and I feel bad, then worse, then I cry. 

Because Jaren is just asking a totally innocent question and I respond in a defensive tone, then cry.  It puts him in a down mood, too.  I think the real wake up call came yesterday.

I had a root canal a week ago.  Yesterday I went in to get my tooth prepped for a crown.  Jaren called after wards and asked how much it was.  I told him and he repeated it, and then complained about it for about 5 seconds.  In those 5 seconds I started crying, almost hysterically.  I was emotionally and physically taxed for one thing.  I didn't expect to have so much drilling done.  And then my tooth ground to a tiny nub, part of my bone scraped away and my gums cut back.  I felt it with my tongue.  It was a bit traumatizing to feel my tooth pretty much gone.  And it hurts... 

Anyway, I had to get off the phone.  Even after I got off the phone I was holding myself together by a thread.  I went to the grocery store to get some carrots for dinner.  On the way home I called my Mother in Law to check on Naomi.  I was starting to cry just talking to her!  It's embarrassing.  Then, I get home and I cry a bit.  I have this horrible sinking heavy feeling in my chest.  And I go about my business.  Making dinner and trying to get over this giant hump.  Jaren came home and after a few minutes, sat down put his hands up in the "don't hurt me" pose and said, "This is just a conversation.  I just want to talk about this"  And he asks about the bill.  Wants it broken down.  All the sudden I realized that it's about 1,400 dollars more than what we were quoted.  How did I not notice that?  Why wasn't I able to be able to just TALK about it with him on the phone in the first place?  Why did I take it personally and get defensive?  It's not my fault I had to get a root canal.  The tooth was DEAD!  Worse than we thought.  Starting to calcify.  Apparently this has been happening for years and I didn't notice.  Started when the tooth was wrongly filled in the first place over 3 years ago, then had to be re-done a few months later. 

Anyway.  I felt bad that I didn't notice that.  That I automatically started to blubber like an idiot and didn't give Jaren a chance to explain on the phone.  This morning it was the same thing.  We were taking Nae in for her 12 month check up and shots.  He took her out and got her buckled in the car while I was putting my shoes on.  I went back, got my ring and another blanket for Naomi and on my way back to the door I hear, "WHIT!!!"  And then stomp stomp stomp, Jaren opens the door from the garage and I say, "What?!  I'm coming, you didn't have to yell."  "I didn't yell..."  "Yes you did, and you stomped up the stairs."  "I just walked up the stairs..."  It took him 10 minutes to get over the bad mood from that tiny encounter.

Before we went into the office we talked about it.  About how I'm always on the defense.  I asked him if he saw a pattern.  (Thinking maybe it's just PMS, so it may happen for 2 weeks or so out of the month).  He said no, it's pretty much constantly sporadic since I was pregnant.  I explained the heavy chest and really sad mood that I can't kick for hours after one of my melt downs.  He mentioned Postpartum Depression. 

I am (normally) one of the happiest people you'd ever meet.  I'm carefree.  I even think I'm kind of funny.   I don't usually take everything personally.  I never ever ever ever thought I would have any sort of chemical crazy imbalance.  My chemicals are just happy with life!  I still am.  I'm still normally happy.  I just don't know how to get past this heavy sadness that comes so often lately. 

I talked to my doctor about it today.  He said first thing is to stop blaming myself for everything.  Ok.... but isn't it all my fault?  Aren't I the governer of my time in a day?  If I don't get the house clean or pictures edited or read my daughter 15 books?  If I take a nap, read a book myself or spend 20 minutes on facebook?  So, if I spend all day editing, and the laundry doesn't get folded, the bathrooms don't get clean, my bedroom is still a mess - isn't that my fault?  I'm being serious.  Isn't it? 

He said if after being conscious of it (and I always have been.  I'll be crying and say out loud, really, this is ridiculous, I know it's fixable and not my fault... but I can't help this sad feeling) and trying to work on it.  Jaren being my wonderful understanding patient husband that he is who will help.  If it starts to affect my ability to mother.  Which, thankfully, I am still happy with my daughter.  I don't get mad and yell.  I never yell.  I don't leave her crying and walk out of the room.  I get frustrated at times and I take a deep breath, remember that she is 12 months old and then I deal.  I wrestle with her on the floor and sing and dance and make her laugh.  She is such a bright light in my life.  Anyway, if it get's worse - then we might do something about it. 

I don't want pills.  I don't want to be diagnosed.  I don't want this to be real.  In my mind this isn't me.  I am having hormone overload.  Maybe I do have a touch of PPD?  I don't know.  I just want to be back to my super happy self.   I'm going to start running again.  As soon as the basement is finished (the post on that is coming tomorrow).  I think that will help a ton.  I'm spending this week finishing up the sessions I am working on and so I'll be free to write, clean, craft, decorate, run - whatever. 

It will go away, right? 

Sippy Skippy!

I am skipping because Naomi drank a good 3 ounces or so from her sippy cup today!  I have been trying every day - 2-3 times a day to get her to drink and maybe 3 or 4 times total she has taken a few sips and then let out an angry cry and pushed it away. 

I started to get discouraged because - I mean - she wouldn't even TRY!  And I don't want to do a cold turkey, take bottle away in a few months.  I really wanted it to be a gradual thing.  But she wasn't showing any progress.  But today she chugged water.  I almost cried.

And she's taken her first steps and wants to hold our hands and walk EVERYWHERE.  All the time.  She'll let go of something and take 2 or 3 steps, but get's scared when she falls.  So she's not too brave yet. 

Walking, drinking from a sippy and a cup.  What's next?  Soccer?  She's going to be a toddler.  Time flies. 

Holy This Is Getting Ridiculous

That phrase applies to a few things.

How long it's taken me to post.  Seriously.  The biggest thing going on in my life right now is my daughter and her blog is elsewhere.  And that is terribly neglected too.  Especially since she is so funny and fun and doing so many new things now.  It's a shame.  Shame on me.  I'm aware of the shame.... 

The other biggest thing is my photography business.  And I guess I'm not 100% comfortable going on and on about my annoyances, stresses, ideas and complaints.  I want it to be professional and so I can't vent about it all in a public forum.  But call me and I'll tell you all about it.

The other ridiculous thing is that I didn't realize how badly I need to vent!  Or talk!  It wasn't until I talked my Mom's ear off today for about 40 minutes, I think, about everything.  I didn't give her hardly any time to get a word in and she tried to end the conversation a few times.  Sorry Ma.  :)   On my way home I realized how badly I wanted to call someone else and just TALK.  But I wanted to talk someone's ear off and I couldn't do that in 10 minutes.  So.. I sat in my car thinking.. and thinking.. .and realizing that I'm so very ready for Jaren to be done with harvest.  Done with being busy and being gone.  We were able to have a quick lunch in town today - haven't had lunch with him in a while and usually he comes home for lunch.  We were talking with no other distractions and I remembered things that had happened days to a week ago that I hadn't had a chance to tell him!  Seriously.  He's been coming home around 9 each night and leaving around 7:30 each morning.  I just miss him.  Miss everything about having him around. 

What's funny is that normally this feeling happens much earlier during the farming season.  Sometimes even before harvest!  But I think having Naomi to take are of and keep me company is helping a lot.  But she isn't the best conversationalist.  Sometimes she doesn't even listen very well.  She interrupts me frequently by blurting out some obseinity such as, "Ma!" or "Tah, Tah, Tah, Tah" or "Dadatayada!".  Or she wants a hug, or she runs away for her bedroom (which she loves) when I didn't even tell her to go to it.  Or she starts playing with a toy that makes noise to drown out my ramblings.  She's not very subtle.  It's obvious I'm torturing her.  So then I smother her with kisses to tell her I don't care.  :)

Anyway... right now Nae is sick.  Poor thing, she's so boogery and tired and rubs her nose and get's boog's all over her face and hands and toys and me.  Jaren is sick with a sinus infection and I'm starting to not feel so well.  I feel pretty bad for Jaren.  He doesn't get to rest; we do.  He's not even home yet and it's 9.  Their projected date to be done is Wednesday next week.  I cant tell you how much I'm looking forward to how happy and free he will feel when he comes home that night. 

And Nae's birthday is in two weeks and I need to make invites.  Well, I don't need to I want to.  And I have a bunch of stuff I'm working on for my business.  And I have to plan the party.  I mean, she'll be one so she wont care.  She'll wonder why there are so many people in her house.  Oh man... the house!  I have to clean clean clean!  And what will we do?  What do you do at a one year old's party?  I suggested pin the diaper on the Nae Nae and Jaren said no.  It's a really hard game.  We play it daily.  I'm going to make cupcakes!  That's decided....  Maybe I'll google "One year old birthday party games that adults will want to participate in and wont require a walker because mine isn't quite there yet"  But then pictures of old people walkers will come up and I'll be back at square one.

Oh!  AND I want a blog makeover.  But I don't have time to do it right now.  And I want to read blogs and comment.  But I haven't had a chance to read a whole lot more than a few friends and family.  Shame on me again. 

I love you all, though.  Know that.  And I know that lot's don't like the long ramblings.  But I think that's what I need to do to get back into the blogging groove.  So bear.. bare (right?)  with me.  I might even make you laugh if you get my sense of humor.  :) 

Wordpress?

Before I started my photo blog (which uses wordpress as a platform) I thought about switching, but couldn't think of a reason to.

Now that I've had experience with both I'm sorely tempted to switch all three of my other blogs over to wordpress.  And since I've already paid for a hosting site I think I can change the other's addresses to dotcom's.  Which I would like.  What I'm worried about is that people may not be able to find my blog when I change the address.  AND can I keep all of my posts?  Or is it like starting a new one all over again?

One of the biggest push's to change is how blogger resizes the image for me.  And when I've already done that it makes the image super pixely and grainy.  I love my pictures and I want them to be as crisp on my blog as they are in my editing software.

I haven't decided 100% for it or not.  I'm definitly over 50% for it.  Maybe even 77% for it.  The other is just the time it will take and if I'll loose readers and... and... you know.  All that.  Oh, and can I make it private?  For my daughters blog?  Which, by the way, I have been vigorously updating.  Trying to catch up.

Here is an example of the picture problem.

Resized

Not resized

Can you tell a difference?  I thought I could...  Another thing is the upload time.  It takes FOREVER to upload a non-resized image.  And only a minute or less to upload a resized one. 

Thoughts?  Opinions?  Experiences with this? 

I Get It

I usually have the T.V. on Nick J.R. just playing away and Nae just plays on the floor and watches occasionally.  And I can tell which shows she really likes.  Dora is number one.  She's fascinated by Yo Gabba Gabba and really likes The Backyardigans.  I think it's cute that she squeals at the T.V. every time the backpack song from Dora comes on.  And she dances.  It looks like a shimmy and it makes me smile or laugh every time. 

We were downstairs and she was going through my stuff next to my desk and the Nickelodeon mega music fest comes on.  The first person on is Dora.  I said, "Naomi, Dora's on!"  And she looked at me - the T.V. is on the other side of the desk so she couldn't see it.  I picked her up and turned her to the T.V.  Then it switched to Go Diego Go or The Backyardigans - I don't know.  But she squealed and was glued to the T.V. smiling.  They were singing Black Eyed Peas and so we got up and danced and she was so happy.  And I had tears come to my eyes because she was so happy!  And I realized, I get it. 

I get why parents wake up at 3 a.m. on black Friday to get their kid Tickle Me Elmo.  Or sit at the computer and the second the clock strikes 12 they are clicking away to buy Hannah Montana tickets.  Or whatever it is. 

It makes her so happy!  Such a simple silly thing to us, but whenever Dora is on T.V. she is smiling and making happy noises and talking and squealing.  I guess I adore the girl.  I probably wont buy her any Dora paraphernalia any time soon.  And probably wont pay hundreds for her to go to a concert.  But for now, I think I get it.