It Takes Two

And it does. Not just literally, but decidedly too.

To have a kid.

I was ready to get pregnant with Nae the summer of 2008. Jaren was nowhere near that. So I held out for October of 2008. That came and I was told no and had to wait another two months till Jaren felt ready.

And I'm so grateful I did. Having him excited and on board with the pregnancy made it that much easier. He helped with housework when I was feeling ill. He made me food the entire first trimester when I just laid on the couch whining and moaning about how, "I can't move, I'm going to throw up... I need to eat! I can't move!" I never threw up... But I really did feel like it.

And he was ready for her when she came. It was a huge huge adjustment. I babysat and have been around babies and kids my whole life. He has not. I felt totally comfortable with a baby. It took him some adjusting.

I guess I never considered that it would be this process  with each child. I figured the ice has been broken - we have one, now we can have more! Not so simple.

First, there is the issue of "do I want Jaren around?" If I have a baby anytime in between April and Mid October I run the chance of not having him available to help when I really need it. And I know I'd like his help for at least the first 2 1/2 months. Because that's the hardest time I think. Once I get that kid to 3 months I have a schedule built up with regular naps and feeding times and life is predictable. Not necessarily easy, but much more do-able than before. And in reality, I guess The hardest hardest part is the first month and a half where I'm healing from a C-Section and the kid is eating every 2 hours. Nursing for 45 minutes and then needing to eat again an hour later.

So, if I want him around ideally for the first 2-3 months I'd need to have a kid no later than January. And I really don't want to go that deep into winter. So, for me, it's November or December. Since we know I'll have to go 3 weeks early we have to plan for the 37 week due date and not the 40 Week one. Just to be safe.

So, that means the time to start trying again is only a few months away. I can't say I feel ready and Jaren definitely does not feel ready. But I know I want Nae and this kid to be around 2 years apart. So that means I have to either get pregnant this coming spring or wait till the next one. And I don't want them to be 3 years apart. I don't want to wait that long. Jaren seems fine with it.... I'm not.

So we are stuck. And it was starting to be a source of emotion between us. Or, more like a source of emotion for me. Like always. I know it's months away. But that comes fast. And we would have to wrap our mind around it now in order to be ready when that time comes.

I think communication is the most important part of marriage. Or for any relationship. You can get nothing absolutely nothing accomplished if you both don't talk. If you don't talk about your feelings and the why's and how's of it, things get left unsaid and then come back later to bite you in the rear.

Sunday (2 weeks ago) Jaren and I sat down and discussed the why's and how's of it. In the end we came to the conclusion that it's okay if I have a kid in June or July. I have plenty of help available and Nae would be that much older and easier to handle. She would be able to understand me and me her. Which would make the not being able to move because of the C-section or nursing easier when she needed something. I don't mind 2 1/2 years apart or so.

Just the knowledge that I'm not stuck on only 2 months out of the year to have a kid ever takes a huge weight off my shoulder. I know Jaren still wouldn't be as readily available as he would if it were winter. But, I'll take that over the alternative.

And the thing is - we don't know if it will be easy to get pregnant this time. We were so fortunate last time. I don't expect it to be as easy. Apparently when the doctor who did an ultrasound to check out my uteri's found out how easy it was for us to conceive he let me know that I was abnormal. Not just because of my innards, but because women with my "condition" usually don't get pregnant for months to years and a lot of times need help to do so.

I'm prepared for it to take time. Which doesn't play well into my "can have kids" months and "can't have kids" months. In the end, I wont care when if it's going to take time. All I'll care is that it happens.  And having Jaren totally ready is the most important thing.  Talking yesterday made me feel so much more at peace with it.  Free somehow.  Free to choose.  I've always been free to choose, but with my guidelines and wants I really am not as free as I'd like.

After a few weeks has since gone by when I wrote this I feel even more calm about it all.  That in the end when we know it's right for us to have a baby, we will try.  And when he/she comes it will all work out.  Even if it might be hard for the first bit.  I mean, my mom had 3 summer babies and my dad farmed.  If she can do it - I can, too.  

Better

Today is better.  Much better.

A few things happened after my melt down.  Jaren and I had a few talks, one of which lasting almost 2 hours about "feelings".  Mine, in particular.  I think we got to the bottom of the cause of my increase of emotions.

I have a giant to do list.  Ranging from my photo business, household chores, projects - I have a lot of projects and things I want/need to do.  I can't seem to look at something as an individual.  I group it all together and feel like I need to tackle, not one thing at a time, but all of it.  I want to either finish or start on something all in one day.  Problem with that is I can't.  I start and I get overwhelmed and I shut down.  The next day comes, I decide to start on it again, the same thing happens.  This goes on for days until I get a question, "What's for Dinner?"  and I break.  I cry, I feel horrible because the floor isn't vacuumed, the kitchen isn't glistening, I haven't started on or finished any projects and then I haven't made dinner.  It's hot dogs again.

So then I think, "what kind of housewife am I?"  I'm a failure.  I can't seem to get a hold on all of the things I need to do.  I dwell on those feelings and I am sad, and it get's worse and I feel like a lump of a person.  Then everything sets me off.  Everything.  And it seems like I finally start getting something done and more creeps up.  It's like, I clean the bathrooms - whoo for me!  Then a week goes by and it's time again.  Oh... but I have other things I'm trying to do, two weeks go by and I am feeling bad and every day that goes by I feel worse.  It's a vicious cycle.  But the worst part is that it only takes 10 minutes to clean a bathroom!  So, it's like, seriously?  You can't just do it?

My post the other day was a glimpse of a moment.  A sad, weak moment that I needed to vent about.  I'm not a giant mess like that all day long.  I promise.  Come to find a lot of other people have the same moments.  After talking to some friends and family I realized that they all set to-do lists that grow and can't get a hold of and it causes intense emotions.  I think in this society, being a housewife has this notion that the house is always nice and clean.  That because we/I call ourselves homemakers we should be able to do just that.  Make our house a home.  And when it's not perfect, I feel like I fail.

I didn't have to deal with this before I had Nae.  I was in school and so first, I wasn't home all day and second, I didn't feel like a 100% stay at home Wife.  I was busy - very busy.  So when things didn't get done, it was because I was gone.  Or doing homework.  Or at a group project.  Now, when something doesn't get done it's because I'm doing something else.  But I feel more obligated for everything to be nice and neat and clean.  Always.

Jaren and I have come up with a solution.  After telling him how I felt and why I felt that way he is able to understand why.  Why I start crying when he asks if I got the mail.  So, I am taking things one at a time and am trying to get caught up.  I'm working on getting a routine down so I can get a handle on it all.  I have high expectations that I think I can meet.  I just have to realize it's going to take time and it doesn't make me any less of a person if I can't get it all done in a day.

The thing is.  Is that when I'm having my super low emotional moments I'm still happy.  I'm happy with my life.  Happy I'm married to Jaren.  Happy I have Naomi.  Happy I live where I live.  Happy I'm in the house I'm in.  I wouldn't change a thing.  Except to not be so emotional :)

PPD is real.  And the spectrum is so vast.  If I have it, I think I'm on the itty bitty bit of it end.  And I think exercising and tackling my to-do list and talking to Jaren about it will help.  I think I can go back to my happy carefree - not so quick to take offense as easily Whitney.  Life is about growing and making adjustments and changes and figuring out what works.  With the time it takes to raise a kid, I am making adjustments to the way I normally would do things.  It's the process of making the adjustments that seems to be the hardest thing.

I think one of the worst things you can do is to dismiss the issue.  Like there's nothing wrong.  Because that's the last thing I want to hear.  Is that it's normal for me to be this emotional and sad and take things personal and feel like a failure all the time.  I was not like that before and I refuse to stay like this.  So, yes, something isn't quite right.  But it's fixable and I don't think it's too serious.  Things seem worse when your in physical pain, right?  Like with my root canal and another tooth that has started to be pressure sensitive on the other side. So, basically I can't chew.  Oh, wait, I have my front teeth and very back last molars on top and bottom.  Ugh. That's a whole other story!

And thank you for all of the support and nice words I got.  I really appreciate the advice and a bit of validation that it's not all in my head; that I'm not making it up.  Thank you, again :)

I Didn't Realize.....

The effect my emotions were having on Jaren.  Or even the extent. 

Since I was pregnant with Naomi I became much more testy, emotional and I took everything personal.  Since I've had Naomi it's been worse.

I cry a lot.  If the house is a mess I feel like it's my fault and I feel like a failure at a housewife.  Jaren says, "have you balanced your check book?"  and I get on the defense, "I haven't had time!"  When really, I could have made time.  But then I feel like a failure and I feel bad, then worse, then I cry. 

Because Jaren is just asking a totally innocent question and I respond in a defensive tone, then cry.  It puts him in a down mood, too.  I think the real wake up call came yesterday.

I had a root canal a week ago.  Yesterday I went in to get my tooth prepped for a crown.  Jaren called after wards and asked how much it was.  I told him and he repeated it, and then complained about it for about 5 seconds.  In those 5 seconds I started crying, almost hysterically.  I was emotionally and physically taxed for one thing.  I didn't expect to have so much drilling done.  And then my tooth ground to a tiny nub, part of my bone scraped away and my gums cut back.  I felt it with my tongue.  It was a bit traumatizing to feel my tooth pretty much gone.  And it hurts... 

Anyway, I had to get off the phone.  Even after I got off the phone I was holding myself together by a thread.  I went to the grocery store to get some carrots for dinner.  On the way home I called my Mother in Law to check on Naomi.  I was starting to cry just talking to her!  It's embarrassing.  Then, I get home and I cry a bit.  I have this horrible sinking heavy feeling in my chest.  And I go about my business.  Making dinner and trying to get over this giant hump.  Jaren came home and after a few minutes, sat down put his hands up in the "don't hurt me" pose and said, "This is just a conversation.  I just want to talk about this"  And he asks about the bill.  Wants it broken down.  All the sudden I realized that it's about 1,400 dollars more than what we were quoted.  How did I not notice that?  Why wasn't I able to be able to just TALK about it with him on the phone in the first place?  Why did I take it personally and get defensive?  It's not my fault I had to get a root canal.  The tooth was DEAD!  Worse than we thought.  Starting to calcify.  Apparently this has been happening for years and I didn't notice.  Started when the tooth was wrongly filled in the first place over 3 years ago, then had to be re-done a few months later. 

Anyway.  I felt bad that I didn't notice that.  That I automatically started to blubber like an idiot and didn't give Jaren a chance to explain on the phone.  This morning it was the same thing.  We were taking Nae in for her 12 month check up and shots.  He took her out and got her buckled in the car while I was putting my shoes on.  I went back, got my ring and another blanket for Naomi and on my way back to the door I hear, "WHIT!!!"  And then stomp stomp stomp, Jaren opens the door from the garage and I say, "What?!  I'm coming, you didn't have to yell."  "I didn't yell..."  "Yes you did, and you stomped up the stairs."  "I just walked up the stairs..."  It took him 10 minutes to get over the bad mood from that tiny encounter.

Before we went into the office we talked about it.  About how I'm always on the defense.  I asked him if he saw a pattern.  (Thinking maybe it's just PMS, so it may happen for 2 weeks or so out of the month).  He said no, it's pretty much constantly sporadic since I was pregnant.  I explained the heavy chest and really sad mood that I can't kick for hours after one of my melt downs.  He mentioned Postpartum Depression. 

I am (normally) one of the happiest people you'd ever meet.  I'm carefree.  I even think I'm kind of funny.   I don't usually take everything personally.  I never ever ever ever thought I would have any sort of chemical crazy imbalance.  My chemicals are just happy with life!  I still am.  I'm still normally happy.  I just don't know how to get past this heavy sadness that comes so often lately. 

I talked to my doctor about it today.  He said first thing is to stop blaming myself for everything.  Ok.... but isn't it all my fault?  Aren't I the governer of my time in a day?  If I don't get the house clean or pictures edited or read my daughter 15 books?  If I take a nap, read a book myself or spend 20 minutes on facebook?  So, if I spend all day editing, and the laundry doesn't get folded, the bathrooms don't get clean, my bedroom is still a mess - isn't that my fault?  I'm being serious.  Isn't it? 

He said if after being conscious of it (and I always have been.  I'll be crying and say out loud, really, this is ridiculous, I know it's fixable and not my fault... but I can't help this sad feeling) and trying to work on it.  Jaren being my wonderful understanding patient husband that he is who will help.  If it starts to affect my ability to mother.  Which, thankfully, I am still happy with my daughter.  I don't get mad and yell.  I never yell.  I don't leave her crying and walk out of the room.  I get frustrated at times and I take a deep breath, remember that she is 12 months old and then I deal.  I wrestle with her on the floor and sing and dance and make her laugh.  She is such a bright light in my life.  Anyway, if it get's worse - then we might do something about it. 

I don't want pills.  I don't want to be diagnosed.  I don't want this to be real.  In my mind this isn't me.  I am having hormone overload.  Maybe I do have a touch of PPD?  I don't know.  I just want to be back to my super happy self.   I'm going to start running again.  As soon as the basement is finished (the post on that is coming tomorrow).  I think that will help a ton.  I'm spending this week finishing up the sessions I am working on and so I'll be free to write, clean, craft, decorate, run - whatever. 

It will go away, right?