The Sickness

Is what I call "morning sickness". It's easier to say and I think it also sums up my "condition". This post is going to be some venting and whining. If your not in the mood for that - skip this one.

I am 13 1/2 weeks. Isn't it from 12-14 your supposed to feel better? Right on the day I hit 11 weeks I started to feel better. It was strange, but I took it. That lasted a few days then the nausea came back. It comes and goes. It's not all day and it's not every day. But on the days that it's there it seems to be the worst it can be. I don't throw up - which I am grateful. Although, when it get's this bad sometimes I wish I could. Wouldn't that make me feel better? I think the best way to describe the nausea is incapacitating. Only the severe times. Which has been happening about twice a day the last few days. I HAVE to get up and get myself something to eat because I know it will make me feel better. Even though I just want to lay down with my eyes closed and whine and moan about how I want the baby to grow out of this stage.

I've found a few things that work. 7up for sure. I take 3 sips of that and I automatically feel better. I only end up drinking about 1-2 ounces total out of the can. I waste so much. But I can't drink the whole thing - it's too much! And it's at the times I feel this sick that nothing looks good. Nothing. Or even sounds good. I've been forcing food down my throat. And since Top Ramen hasn't tasted so bad; on the days I eat that I really have to force something good for me down.

I guess I'm just ready for the nausea to leave. I feel grateful that I can be home because when it was this bad and I was in school it was horrible. I walked around with a huge thing of 7 up that I would only drink about 1/8th of. I have things I want to do. I've been going on jogs/walks and it's been nice. But when I am feeling this sick my desire to exercise goes out the window. I have 5 shirts left to iron. Out of around 20. I've been ironing a bunch every day, except the last 2 days because of the sickness. I want to vacuum, I want to clean the bathrooms, I want to finish folding laundry, I want to DO something other than sit on the couch holding my growing belly.

The cramping is still going on. Quite a bit. Sometimes it get's painful, most times it's just really uncomfortable. I have a few different theories as to what it could be. I'd like to think it's just that I'm super sensitive to the stretching of my uterus. Which would make sense since I got horrible menstrual cramps. But if this is the case... I'm even more nervous for labor.

My belly is really growing. I notice that it's getting bigger, but I don't think I notice as much until I put on a pair of jeans I wore just 5 days before and I can't button them this time. I've unbuttoned two pairs of jeans and wow, the feeling is liberating - so much room! I'm thinking if I can keep my legs the same size (which is a goal) I can just wear my jeans more and more undone possibly through the whole/most of the pregnancy? I plan on buying a few pair of maternity jeans, but I'm so picky. And I really don't want to spend the money.

I feel like I have nothing left to whine about. But I can move onto something more light and mushy. I can't wait for this little baby to come out. For those who have been following my blog since last summer they might remember my posts about aching for a kid. Some rolled their eyes at me and thought I just wanted a kid cause everyone else had one. Think twice before making judgments about someone you've never met in person. I grew up baby sitting. Started at 11 and at 13 years old was watching a family of 2. A 2 year old and a 4 year old. Then the mom had a baby and I started watching him when he was just 5 or 6 days old. I was there most days of the week all day until that kid was a year old - then they moved. I watched a lot of families kids. I would say I was pretty good at it. And I enjoyed it. Babies don't scare me or make me nervous. I didn't think about being a parent much growing up, because that was so far from a reality. I thought about the boy I was going to marry - what was he like, have I met him before, how old was he, when would i meet him, how would i meet him, would I know it was him when I met him? All the normal stuff.

Don't read on if you don't want to hear about the joys of finding out about being pregnant.

Then I got married and right away figured when we could get pregnant and have the kid after I graduated. I needed a date to look forward to. I figured October of 2008 (which we know, didn't happen). I didn't get baby hungry until about a month after my one year anniversary. And even then it wasn't too bad because I knew I couldn't get pregnant. It started to get hard last summer - especially when I got off the pill (which I did the second we could have an "accident" and I could still graduate in April). I know there are people who try and try for years. I feel for them. I cannot imagine what that feels like. I only know what it was like for me to want it so badly and not be able to have it. Finally January came around and we could start trying. I was devastated that first month when it didn't work. So much that I knew I couldn't get my hopes up like that again. I pulled myself away as much as I could from the given situation and just decided that it was out of my control, I could only do so much, but until Heavenly Father felt like it was right for us to get pregnant would we get pregnant.

I put off taking a test. I was scared to death it was going to be negative. I was only 2 days late and I had to take the test on this Friday afternoon because my little sister was coming over to stay the night that night and I couldn't wait much longer and it would be impossible to hide the results from her either way. Either I would be very loud crying or very loud screaming. It was screaming. I had barely put the cap on the stick when two pink lines showed up. I can't explain the feeling that went through me. I automatically started to cry and scream and jump and run and jumped on Jaren and cried some more and screamed some more. My kitchen is kind of like a galley, so it is open on both ends, one goes into the family room and one in the dining room and that dining room leads to the family room. I think I danced/ran around that loop a good 20 times before I got tired. My poor husband... haha... He's like, "So.. this means your pregnant??" As if the hysterical laughscream wasn't obvious enough. "So.. your happy about it, right?" hehe. I called two people right away. One didn't answer, the other, my Sister in Law who I would have to tell on the phone anyway given that she was in Michigan gave me the desired screaming I needed. Because my husband just isn't a screamer jumper up and downer like I am.

Anyway... the first 2 weeks were really hard to keep my mouth shut. I was constantly smiling. Responding to peoples conversations in my head, "I'm pregnant" "Yeah, but little do you know I'm already pregnant" "Hey.. wonder what you'd say if you knew I was making a baby right now" That seemed to help.

I guess I'm just writing down some emotions and feelings for myself. And I'm sure there are others who feel/have felt the same way?

I've been told a lot, "I don't think anyone is ever 100% ready for a baby." I beg to differ. Unless your referring to the physical needs for a child, I have none. Wait, I have one little boy outfit and one little girl outfit. Oh, and a bottle from Motherhood Maternity. Other than that - nothing. But as for me, I'm so ready. I've just been waiting to graduate. Now that's done. I'm aware of the changes that have to be made, the sacrifices, the challenges, the no sleep, the frustration. All of it. I may not have experienced all of it yet, but I'm aware it's going to happen. And I'm ready. All my life I've wanted nothing more than to be a wife and a mother. It's such a beautiful thing. Some women have different desires. Some want success, independence and I don't know what else. But I just think I'll be pretty good at being a mom. Or at least I hope so.

I'm just rambling. But it feels good to get out. I find out what the kid is on June 2nd and I can't wait. I'm so excited. Boy or girl, I'll take either I just want a kid. I feel so blessed that things have gone well so far. Having a child has nothing to do with other people, it's all about Jaren and I. That's the way it's been from the beginning. I've been hurt by some comments assuming differently. I feel sad that those people assume and judge. Probably never thought I'd know it was me they were referring to. But I'm not stupid. You know when someone is talking about you. I try not to assume things about people I don't know very well. I just hope others do the same.

Here's to the next 6 months! :)

I started this post grumpy and now I'm happy. Didn't know this would help so much. It's long. Oh well, I don't do that often.